Let's Just Be Honest...

I struggle with my weight. Big surprise, right? Honestly what girl on this planet doesn't anymore? We're all either too fat or too skinny or too muscular. I recently did Lysa TerKeurst's Made to Crave bible study with some ladies at church. It was quite good and for some crazy reason that can only be God, I've decided to open up and let it all spill out. (Lord help me!)

I'm sure many of you reading this are thinking one of two things: "My dear you are by no means 'fat'." or "Well she could stand to lose a few pounds, but she's not so bad as she is really." If you are quite convinced that I am in fact obese, then please discontinue reading. Frankly, discontinue being my friend as well. For if anyone thinks I am in a state of pure obesity and doesn't care enough to bring it to my attention in a loving manner, then they are by no means my friend. No one needs friends like that. Anyway here's what it boils down to: as so eloquently stated by Lysa "This wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart."

While I would love to be a microscopic little thing that could get away without wearing a bra sometimes, that will never happen. Let's face it. I'm one of those curvy chicks that are finally receiving some recognition for their beauty lately. I have never been a size 2. I will never be a size 2. If I am ever a size 2, I will look deathly. That's not the issue. The issue is that when I look in a mirror at myself everyday, I am (dare I say) unequivocally unhappy with the reflection that stares back at me. Granted, I have good days like every other woman on the planet. But the majority of the time, I am disgusted. Because when I look in the mirror I don't see a few love handles and sexy curves and good birthing hips. I don't see a soft bosom for snuggling sweet babies. I see years and years of hurt and hatred and empty desire. That's what lead to this build up of fat around my body. Layers and layers of chubbiness packed on in a distinct effort to extinguish the burning pain within my heart. See if I was chubby (as I was so often described) then it made sense why boys didn't want to hang out with me, why I didn't have a date to the dance, why I didn't make the volleyball team. Simply....why I wasn't good enough. But in high school when I blossomed as all girls do and lost all that "baby" fat, the drowning hurt and sorrow that washed over my delicate frame was too much to bear. It was overwhelming. Thus, I packed back on the pounds and didn't care for it was safer within this thick exterior. In college, I once again lost weight and thought myself pretty and was once again slapped in the face by people I should never have put stock in.

Nevertheless, the pounds have returned. And to be quite honest, I absolutely abhor them! Every reflection is an intense reminder of all that I have suffered. I find it difficult to move past and be myself  and live the life I want because the remnant of the hurt remains. Am I telling you this to make you feel sorry for me? No. Am I telling you this to try and justify an unhealthy lifestyle? No. I am telling you this because I am tired of carrying around 50 pounds of hurt all the time. It's exhausting. Talk about baggage. I am not asking for contradictions to what I have said, for they will fall on deaf ears. Would I appreciate prayers and encouragement and understanding? Of course! Now as I look into the face of a new year, of a new chapter in life, I shall work to turn the page. To shed the weight that has been holding me down and robbing me of joy and my own sense of beauty and self-worth. It's going to be a rough road ahead, but you know what? I've got a great workout buddy. He's with me all the time and he loves me deeply and he understands how I feel even if I can't imagine how. And with him.......anything is possible..........and absolutely nothing is impossible either (which I feel is just as important to remember).

Dear Me...

On the Women's Retreat this year, we were all encouraged to write a letter to ourselves in the past. Here is mine.

Dear Me…

                You’re 13 now and you’re about to go through the swamp in the forest for the first time. You won’t know this of course until 12 years later when God graces you with the chance to go through it again. See in the next few years, you will lose a lot of things in the swamp – things that are beautiful and precious to you. Things like your beauty, your trust and your love. Those are only the beginning I’m sure. I've only just entered the swamp myself and haven’t uncovered all its treasures. There will be much wandering through cobwebs and skeletons that you try to shove into the already bursting closet. Think a kind of Snow-White-running-through-the-forest terror. You’ll face some of your darkest days. But listen to the ancient whispers of Sis. Farmer. They will save your life.

Don’t fret though – not every experience is bad. You’ll love and care for the first of many babies in your life – John David. He’ll break your favorite sunglasses but you’ll find a new favorite pair (which you will sit on and break yourself). But he’ll also teach you a lot about love and how to care for a baby. Quick tip – Lori is weird and cooks her rice in a bag. Just go with it and whatever you do, don’t open the bag! Trust me on this; I’m saving you some serious embarrassment. There will be times when you laugh until you literally vomit. You’ll still smile when you think about those times.

Now if I may, allow me to give you some advice if I can. If nothing else, allow me to warn you of some of the blows you are about to be dealt. There will be a Bible Quiz trip with John where you will be tempted to ask him about your beauty. I beg you with all my heart and soul – DO NOT ASK THAT QUESTION!!! His answer will crush your soul and taint your self-worth for years. His answer is misguided and inaccurate and it’s better if you never hear it. Someday a boy will tell you, “Everything about you is hot except your face. It’s so ugly.” He’s wrong. Your face is actually your best feature. Your emerald eyes and button nose will be the favorite of a very special man soon and they will be drowned in kisses. You will learn that you’re fat, your teeth are crooked, and you’ll think character shirts are cool. You’re not, braces work magic and they are not….at all! You’ll be told to settle. That’s terrible advice. Don’t take it! Your flaws will be drug out of you and thrown in your face to embarrass and humiliate you. Repeatedly. You will be given mortifying nicknames of which you’ll never know the origin. Just do your best to manage a smile and pretend it doesn’t sting. You’re tough. Later when you allow your tears to fall silently in the dark, your brain will work to twist such things into positives. Grasp hold of these necessary deceptions. That’s honestly the best advice I can give you as years later I still struggle to understand the necessity of such blatant cruelty and abuse of a young girl’s heart. For some people, you will just never be good enough. Please learn this now and don't let it plague you. You are perfect just the way you are darling. Hear me - you are just right. Stop trying to be someone else to please others. It's not worth the pain as you will never be successful. 

There will be a night when dad will drive you home from church and you will be upset. When you pull into the garage, Dad will smack you on the back out of frustration. Don’t hold it against him. Forgive him. He didn’t mean it and had a momentary lapse in judgment. Treasure your time with him. It may be short. Speaking of which, if you get a chance to visit Pawpaw’s grave, don’t be afraid to lay face down on the grass and tell him goodbye. It’s important. Jesse will always stand up for you and Brian will eventually find you less lame. Mom gets way cooler if you let her and she’ll be your best friend soon. The two of you will have the best adventures. Embrace her company and give her the opportunity to wipe your tears every once in a while. She understands more than you think. You and Brittany will go your separate ways over a tragic misunderstanding. She will hurt you, but you’ll find a new best friend. Fall and winter will be hard and lonely times. You will be sick. Grandpa will go to be with Jesus. Jesse will find love and then lose it. But keep that quiet Christmas mystery flame alive deep inside. It will come to burn brightly again. Believe it or not dearest, you will look forward to Christmas day again. Be patient.

Don’t get frustrated or discouraged with the “poems” you write behind the youth stage while running words. They’re good practice and I’m sure good things will come of them someday. Honestly…we’re still waiting for that as of 25, but who knows what’s around the corner? Faith and dreams are key. You won’t be good at Athletics. Band is more fun anyway. You will miss Senior Prom and John will never make it up to you. It’s not a big deal. Just let it go. There will be floods. Literal floods! Quit leaving your bag on the floor! You will never have a boyfriend at camp. Be grateful for this. They all turn out to be complete tool bags anyway. Don’t waste your tears or your time.

There will be boys. Oh lord, will there be boys!  You’ll make some questionable choices down the road. Some people are best avoided. If a guy named Matt contacts you on Myspace, don’t respond! He’s creepy and an enabler. Don't even go there. You’ll think you’ve found the one. You haven’t. He will betray you in the most intimate way – in the way only you understand the full burn of. But you don’t mishear God. That boy is a major part of your life as he sets in motion the events that will lead you to the man you will soon marry….I think. I hope. I pray. I wish! This man is the most amazing person you have ever met and he was created solely for you down to the way you fit in the crook of his arm. He will care for you so deeply that it will hurt at times. Precious one, hear me when I tell you that you have no clue what love is. But he will help you understand. He’ll find your love handles sexy! Not just tolerable, not just a part of you but  S E X Y! I know – he’s perfect. He even likes the gross Skittles and lets you eat all the good ones. Don’t give up on him. Trust me, you will want to at times. But he’s worth the work. You’ll mess things up and run away, but he’ll always come after you. He is sweet and kind and the biggest nerd you will ever meet! Embrace it as he’s only going to draw out your inner nerd anyway. On that note, sneak into Brian and Jesse’s room and play video games more often. You’ll wish you had better skills down the road. And quit sleeping through football games! Pay attention and learn something!

You’re a late bloomer in all regards, but it’s not so bad I promise! It keeps you young. Stay childlike. Play Barbies till you’re 16. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Dream big dreams. Don’t forget what you love. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Be loud! Be adventurous! Be creative! Protect you heart! Battle for what/who you love! And remind mom about “na’kin time” every once in a while. She might need the laugh.

Weather the storm my darling. Keep swimming through that muck. Take tantrum breaks when you feel the need to. Just don’t sit too long in the mud. It smells and there are more important things down the road. You will long for the end of this time. You’ll pray for it to flash by, and with good reason for these times are heavy and painful. But things will get better. Don’t lose hope sweet one! And on days you do, take refuge in things you love. There’s a Disney Princess coloring book that is particularly soothing. On that note, don’t be so strict – color Jasmine purple for goodness’ sakes! Have fun with it! You might not believe me, but you will survive this time. Just breathe…

Love,

Your older and wiser self

PS For the love of all things holy, STOP RUNNING AT MCDONALDS! You would think after the gash in your knee in elementary school, you would have learned your lesson. Running through McDonalds never ends well for you. If you don’t stop, you’re going to end up with a nagging knee injury that will ache when the weather changes and make you old before your time. So just knock it off!

Just like Betty....

There are so many things I want to say right now. So many thoughts I want to write down and record here. So so many thoughts that I long to tell someone. About my passion for baking. About my cookbook addiction. About my love for Paula Deen. About the first cake I ever baked on my own and the tragic beauty that it was. About my recent adventures in bread baking. About my longing for pastry school.

But these things seem stupid and petty and too little too late. So I'll keep quiet about it and hope these feelings drift away with time. Because these things aren't important right now. The time for such grandiose dreams are long gone. Now is the time to be an adult and put away dabbling in the flour until I'm a happy homemaker. Sigh........

Homemaker in Training

So recently I have taken the task of honing my happy homemaker skills. This included a project for Grayson's birthday that I discovered on Pinterest. It was a fort kit. I saw it online in April or May and thought it was such a perfect present for Grayson that I actually programmed a reminder in my phone so I wouldn't forget. Haha. It was super simple. I just sewed to fat quarters together and made a loop for the rope. Then cut out a bat symbol out of felt and glued it on. Then I sewed some loops of ribbon onto some twin sheets with buttons for easy hanging and looping. Add a couple flashlights, clamps, rope and glowsticks and you've got the perfect recipe for little boy joy. Thus Grayson's "Portable BatCave" came together. Honestly I kinda wanted to keep it for myself. :) Here's the link to the website where I got the idea: http://megandandymade.blogspot.com/2011/05/super-hero-fort-kit.html

Here are some pictures:

Loops on all the corners and in the middle of the sheet

Finished sheet

Clamps for helping hang the sheet

Drawstring bag for storing all the supplies

Tag with list of included supplies

All the goodies (the sheets are refolded nicely into the original bags
though I know they'll probably never end up back in there. haha)

Behold: Portable BatCave!!!

In the Meantime...

Life is an interesting thing. Everyone knows it's a journey, but we don't always realize that sometimes you have to drive across West Texas. For those of you who have never driven across West Texas, allow me to enlighten you: It takes FOREVER and there is absolutely NOTHING to look at it. It's just miles and miles of dirt and shrubs. It's probably similar to driving across Oklahoma or Kansas. After making this drive, I understand why pioneers suffered from prairie madness. It's enough to drive anyone crazy. 

That's the road I'm on currently. I'm just in-between cities on this long journey. I'm halfway between young adult and adult, halfway between college and married life. It's a long trip. I have to just keep on going and be patient. I'll get there soon enough.

But the drive is agonizing!!! I'm beginning to suffer from prairie madness. What do you do in the meantime? What do you do while you're waiting to arrive at the next destination of the journey? What do you do to make the time pass quicker? 

I suppose this is the time of my life when I should be settling into a career and beginning life on my own before I join to another for my happily ever after. There's only one slight problem with that....I don't want a career. I've never wanted a career. Since I was a child, I've dreamed of nothing more than being a happy homemaker, to raise a family and care for my husband. I don't want to climb the corporate ladder. The thought seems quite drab. I'm quite happy at the bottom of the totem pole because I have no intentions of staying there forever.

So this time must be when I figure out who I am in life right? Well I've already done that. I figured out who I was in the year long break I took from men while I was finding myself and waiting for Bryan to find himself so that we were two complete people instead of pieces trying to mesh together in a construction paper collage. Now we are beautiful art that compliment each other just right when hung next to the other. So I'm happy with who I am. Just not where I am.......

In the meantime....what do you do in the meantime?

Reflective Time

Bryan surprised me this weekend and came to town. Everyone was going out of town except me (I had to stay here and care for Skipper, our recovering puppy), so we got to spend the weekend alone together. Not that we haven't done that recently, but this is the first time we've spent any alone time together in San Angelo. I'm sure that doesn't seem like that big of a deal but this is the first weekend we spent in a house. Not an apartment. Not the townhouse we shared with a roommate. An actual house that we could make a mess in and be ourselves and leave dishes unwashed and coke cans on the coffee table.


Last night we went to dinner at Cheddar's and then came home and sat on the couch together. I rested my legs across his lap and watched the Olympics while he played games on his computer. When the Olympics were finally winding down for the night, I let the dog out and put him in his bed. I came back and curled onto the couch where Bryan had reclined in my absence. I leaned against him and sighed. My imagination started to run and I said "Someday we'll be in our house like this after I just put the kids to bed and I'll tell you that we need to start putting the kids Christmas presents together." I don't know why my mind went to Christmas but it did. Bryan just went with it and responded "Yeah we probably do." 


"You put together James' bike and I'll get Ariella's Barbie house."
"Oh man. I meant to get some WD40 to help with that and I forgot."
"Oh babe. You were supposed to pick that up."
"I know. I just forgot."
"Well I should have text you and reminded you. I'm sorry."
"It'll be fine. I'll get it done."
"Yeah let's get started. You know the kids will be up at 4."
"Yeah. Man tomorrow is Christmas already?"
"Haha yeah. And we have to get everything done early because you have to be at work at 3."
"Yeah."

And then he kissed my cheek and we laughed. Then we got up and started getting ready for bed, continuing our conversation about the future. Someday we'll have a nice house like this. And someday we'll be putting the kids and the dogs to bed. And someday this and that.


And we are SO READY for it! Even now I'm looking at recipes on Pinterest and dreaming about tying on my apron every night in my 1950s themed kitchen and cooking dinner. There will be a pie in the oven and my daughter will be beside me "helping." My son will be playing in the other room until I call him to help set the table. And then my husband will come home. And we'll be a family. I have an entire board on Pinterest dedicated to the decoration on my future home. I have dishes picked out and themes in mind. I have a wedding book that is beginning to take form in my mind. A scrapbook of sorts.


I'm ready for the wedding, and that week in Hawaii. I'm ready for those babies and running a home. And I'll have to run it because as much as I hate it: my husband will have to work weekends and holidays. He's going to have an important job and I have to come to terms with that. It's an odd thing for me to deal with because holidays have always been so important to me. But I know that I'll adjust to it even though there will be times when I'm frustrated and unhappy with the situation. 


Bryan made an interesting point. We're in the in-between. We're not kids, but we're not really adults yet either. We kind of are, but not real adults. We don't have jobs and house payments and a family. We're in between. And frankly......we hate it. Oh well. In the meantime, I'll prepare for the future. I'll practice being a happy homemaker. And I'll start with Grayson's birthday present.....which I'll shall post about soon. Until then.....

Guess I'll Go Home Now....

Well that was fun. And by that, I mean the 9 month adventure in Midland/Odessa. If you haven't already heard, I have resigned my position at Laredo Petroleum simply because I CANNOT find anywhere to live. At all. Period. In any way, shape or form. Prices here are outrageous!!! A tiny one bedroom apartment with no washer/dryer is running close to $1000 PLUS utilities. My boyfriend has a 2 bedroom, 2 full bathroom, wood floors with washer/dryer in Waco for like $850. I tried to buy a mobile home but there is no land to put it on.


So I shall reset and go home.


Am I happy about this? Sort of. Honestly, Midland/Odessa was not my favorite place on the earth, especially not during an oil boom. People are greedy right now because they can be. And I guess it's understandable to want to get as much money as possible before the town goes bust again. I'm not really a fan of the whole 'bust' idea either. The people I work with are great and super nice, but I don't have any friends outside of work. Or family. Or housing. So I have a job. That's it. Not really worth all the stress and loneliness that comes with. 


Do I regret being here? No way! It was a good time here. I learned a lot. I lived pretty much on my own for the first time in my life. I dabbled in the real world. And I'll be honest - it is terrifying! Definitely don't want to venture into that whole scene unprepared again. Goodness sakes! Plus I got my wonderful man out of the whole experience. And that, in and of itself, has made this whole thing 100% worth it. He's the best man I've ever had in my life! And one day (hopefully in the next year-ish) I will be his wife. And then we can venture out into the real world together. Then maybe it'll be less scary. Because then I'll at least have someone next to me in all these major life decisions that must be made. 


So my last day at this job is June 29th. My last actual day in Midland will be July 1st. Then I will take refuge in my parents' house and start again. At the beginning. Looking for a decent job. I seriously doubt that it will be anywhere near as awesome as my current job has been, but let's face it. There are more important things in life than a glorious paycheck. Security, relationships, and stability are just a few.


Here's to starting over....again.....

Life in General

I recently updated my Pinterest with this quote:


"It's not about the day. It's about the journey! It's about the adventure! It's about the memories made along the way!"


I just made that up one day and thought it was clever. Now I'm reading it and realizing just how applicable it is to my life right now. Yesterday was a bad day. Today has been good so far, but there's no telling what will happen in the next couple of hours. I've had a string of pretty bad days recently. Things are just not working out as simply or as nicely as I had hoped or planned. But it's not about the day. 


It's about the journey.


And the journey I'm on right now is a scary one. There are a lot of twists and turns and potholes and unforeseen dangers. But there is a lot of sunshine as well. There are some daisies and some trees and some bluebirds singing. That's how it is with every journey I suppose. Gotta go past that rough patch of road eventually. 


The journey I'm on is taking me to that next stage in life. You know the one after college when you get a job and get married and buy a house and have babies and become your own little family. And things change! And the world is different. And you view things through a new perspective and have passion for things you never thought you would before. 


My problem is that I'm ready to arrive at my destination. I'm tired of being on the road. I constantly find myself asking, "Are we there yet?" And when I realize that no I'm barely halfway, then I throw a tantrum and fall in the floor and whine and complain and cry about how I'm too tired to go any farther. Then after a little while, I get up and continue down the road. I wish I would just rest along the way instead of trying to go so fast that I wear myself out. I should enjoy the journey. I should remember the moments of sunshine on the road. I should be happy that I'm not stuck at a gas station still. 


But I'm ready to be there already! I want the husband that kisses my forehead in the morning before heading off to work. I want the house that needs to be decorated and cleaned. I want the yard that needs to be mowed. I want the pregnant belly and the toddler that won't let go of my leg for more than 2 seconds when he first gets out of bed. I want the sweet giggles as I tickle them and the shrieks as they chase the dog through the yard on their tricycles. I want to kiss booboos and wipe away tears from scraped knees. I want to have dinner on the table and cookies in the oven. I WANT TO BE JUNE CLEAVER!!! 


But I'm still on step 3. Step 1) Find boyfriend worth while. Check! Step 2) Find good paying job. Check! Step 3) Find a place to call your own. Umm.........yeah about that........can I skip this step? 'Cause it's a really hard one. A near impossible one it seems at times. 


Sigh....not about the day. It's about the journey! Apparently, I haven't passed the right place to set-up home on this journey yet. Guess I'll just have to keep moving along until I do. But if you see me pouting on the side of the road, you'll know why. Maybe shout a word of encouragement as you pass by!

Adventures in Alone

Well Bryan is officially gone now. He left Monday night to begin his big adventure in Waco. I know that he had to go and all that junk, but it doesn't make it even the tiniest bit easier. I know he'll be back, but it won't be anytime soon. Sure 2 years doesn't seem so long in the grand scheme of things, but having only been apart 24 hours so far...it seems like forever. But there's nothing to be done about it now. No amount of pouting, moping, or crying will make him come back any sooner than he has to. Thus, I will learn to be alone...


I think the hardest part is the silence. The never ending silence. I'm a talker and now I have no one to talk to. Sure we talk on the phone but it's almost impossible to watch T.V. or play around on the computer and still hold a decent conversation on the phone. When you're with someone, in the same room with them, you can gauge their reactions and facial expressions and communicate non-verbally. Hopefully Bryan will have internet soon so we can skype together. 


I know I can do this and I know I'll be fine. But right now...I'm taking it one day at a time. Can I make it through the entire work day without crying? That part is easy. There are distractions everywhere and I can always trick my brain into thinking that he'll just be waiting when I get home. Like he has been for the past 6 months. It's the actual going home that's the hard part. When I turn that corner and he's not sitting on the couch deep in a game of Madden or Starcraft. He doesn't look up at me and smile and say "Hey babe." in the way only he can. The cat's not meowing for me to open the bedroom door at night. It's just quiet. Almost like a ghost town. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, but I miss him. I fell in love with all these little nuances and I never realized it until they all became absent. 


Sigh....only 23 months and 30 days to go right? 

Stress Baker

I've said many times that I am a stress baker. When I say that some people look at me like I'm stupid. But it's true, when I get stressed out, I bake. Why? I think Amy Adams says it best in the movie Julie and Julia: "Chocolate cream pie! You know what I love about cooking? I love that after a day when nothing is sure and when I say nothing, I mean nothing. You can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. That's such a comfort."


And that's so true! If I open up a brownie mix and add eggs, oil and water, I will have brownies in about 30 minutes. Delicious moist comforting brownies. 


Yesterday I made Easter cupcakes. I simply opened a box of Funfetti cake mix and baked. Then I opened a jar of Duncan Hines vanilla frosting (please forgive me mom!) added a few drops of food coloring to it and some coconut and made cupcakes. People at work were raving about how cute they were and how amazing they were. I didn't even do much. I'm no Paula Deen (my equivalent of Julia Child), but I can hold my own in the kitchen. 


And I just felt better afterward. I popped those cupcakes into the oven and set the timer and just felt good. I just feel better when I'm in my apron with flour on my face. It's relaxing. It's certain. There's no mystery to what the outcome of a recipe will be (provided you follow it properly haha). 

Call me old-fashioned but I love being in the kitchen. It feels right when I'm in there. Probably because I come from a loooong line of awesome cooks. I'll never compare to my Granny or Sweetheart or mom, but I hope to be good enough to keep my family happy. I want to be that woman who hosts dinner parties for her friends, that keeps the cookie jar filled, that makes homemade birthday cakes for her kids every year. Yeah...I want to be THAT woman! The annoying one. Hahaha


In the words of Gusteau from Ratatouille: "Anyone can cook." :)

Living in Denial

There are things going on right now that I don't want to talk about, simply because I don't want to acknowledge that they are actually happening. I don't want to accept reality as it is at this moment. I don't want things to change. 


Can it really only be 30 days until the love of my life leaves me? Not forever mind you, but for a good year and a half at least. 30 days!!! Less actually. The lump in my throat grows and I struggle to breathe anytime we have to discuss another aspect. It feels like we're breaking up, though I know we aren't. Discussions of who gets what when the move happens don't help. 


Am I strong enough to survive this season? Is our relationship strong enough? I've been in this place before and the territory is all too familiar. I don't like the uncertainty. I don't like the distance. I don't like change! 


Things are far from in place on my side. Still no housing arrangements. Still no friends. Still no idea what I'm going to do with the hours of empty space I'll have when work ends everyday. 


I fell sick to my stomach. I want to cry. But I must be brave because I know he is suffering as well. This is not an easy time, but God is my refuge and my strength. He is my friend in times of loneliness. I can do all things through Christ!!!


Deep breaths....

Drowning in Decisions....

Sometimes life comes at you way to fast. As is the case with me currently. I've been so excited for these moments, but now I feel like I have 9000 decisions to make in the next couple of months. Most of them revolve around my living situation. I'll be honest. I WANT A HOUSE!!!


I want a place I can paint and decorate and make my own. However, I'm being told by everyone that this is a bad plan because I'm too young. Well hello people! I'm almost 25! I just feel like an apartment is a waste of money. That's $800 I might as well flush down the toilet every month.


Things would be so much easier if I had a direct game plan for the next two years. But all of that is up in the air tangled in a mess of "what ifs." What if Bryan gets a job somewhere else? What if we get married before then? What if he gets a job here? What if we aren't even together by then? What if the oil industry busts? What if? What if? What if?


I'm drowning over here. There are decisions to be made and they need to be made sooner rather than later. I'm trying to be patient and let things untangle on their own, but there is pressure from every angle.


Thankfully I have someone on my side who knows the answers to all the "what ifs." And he knows exactly what's going to happen and what I need to do in these next few months. I just need him to communicate some of that to me.......preferably soon. Haha 


Until then......I'll be treading water, trying not to drown in a sea of decisions that I simply cannot make yet.

Cue The 13-Year Old Girl Scream Dance

In 3...2...1 Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!


There are moments in your life when you know that things are gonna be different from now on. When you get your driver's license. Your 18th birthday. Graduating high school. Starting college. Finally finishing college and getting that degree. Your first REAL job.....


I have come upon that step. Today I received an offer from the company I have been temping at for the past 4 months. It's a really REALLY good offer. It's amazing actually! I'm taking the weekend to pray about it and review it, but I'm about 99.9999999999% sure that I'm going to take it.


Words cannot describe the excitement I feel right now. It's just one of those moments where you know that NOW things are going to different. I can't even describe it anymore than to say that. This opens the door to some many more opportunities. Like my own place!!! Finally I can start looking for my own place, a place to set-up home. I can't wait. I've already been looking online at places and I've found some that I really love!


It's a new time in my life and I couldn't be happier. I'm so excited that God is blessing me so abundantly. I've gotten a wonderful man, a great job and potentially a new house all in less than a year! God is such a show-off sometimes.


What's funny is that yesterday morning I lost hope that I was ever going to get an offer from this company and I began looking for other opportunities, wondering if perhaps God had something better for me and was waiting on me to go look for it. Then yesterday afternoon my boss called me into his office to inform me that my offer would be here with the morning mail. I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe that I had doubted even for a minute. It's almost as if God is currently testing me. Like "how long is she going to be patient and wait and trust me before she starts to freak out?" and then just when I hit that breaking point where I don't think I can last another second, He swoops in and gives me the answer to my prayers that I've been waiting for. It's been an interesting game between us. This patience and trust game that we've been playing since last year about this time. I must admit that it's been a good game. It's been a wonderful time of growth and excitement and new places!


So I'll keep walking His way. Notice I said walking, not running, not skipping, not rushing. Just walking on this journey of life toward the dreams of my heart! It's gonna be good!

I don't understand your ways...

Sometimes I look at God and simply want to ask "What the heck are you doing?" This is one of those times. As most of you know, I recently moved to Odessa to be with my wonderful boyfriend, Bryan, whom I love very VERY much. Well last night Bryan informed me that he will most likely be moving to Roswell, New Mexico to go to aviation school. He wants to be an air traffic controller. Personally, I think it's awesome and I support him 110%. However, school is two years in Roswell and then an undetermined amount of time in Oklahoma for a bit more training. 

So I'm looking at three years away from the man I love. This is when I look up at the sky and say "What? I don't understand what you're doing here." And that's the whole issue. That's the whole source of my insecurity right now. I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand what God is doing or why He's choosing to do it in this manner. I know I have to be patient and trusting and all that jazz, but it's hard. And frankly...I'm scared. I don't like not having a plan for the future. I don't like not knowing what to expect. I don't like change.

The other thing that's freaking me out is the simple fact that I am still a temp. I have been a temp for over four months now. I'm "patiently" waiting for my company to to decide that they can finally hire me permanently, and hoping that the pay raise is enough to cover living expenses here in Midland. See, when Bryan moves, I will be homeless. I can't afford a place of my own on my current paycheck because it is stinkin' expensive to live in Midland/Odessa. So as long as Bryan was here, it was no big deal that I was still a temp. Things were manageable. Well that is no longer the case. Needless to say, the situation is stressful. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't know anything at this point. And I don't handle not knowing well. It drives me crazy. I need a plan!!! Well I know that God has a plan. I don't know what that plan is, but I know that He has one. And I know that I have to walk patiently beside Him and not try to rush what He's doing. But I wish He would give me a little certainty that things are going to work out. I know He provides good things for His children. These are all things I know. But sometimes, I just need a little more physical confirmation. Something to help me realize that my faith is not in vain. Something to let me know that I'm going the right direction at least. Just something! Anything really! Sigh.....

I don't have any choice. I must go through this fire it seems. But it's gonna be worth it. I believe that all these tough times are gonna be worth it. I don't know how or when or why or any of the details, but it's going to be worth it all!

Drink in the goodness!!!

So this morning on the way to work I had to put on my moisterizer in the car because I was running late out of the shower this morning. I could feel my skin drink in the moisture and this thought popped into my head: "Drink in the goodness of God." It really stuck me. What if I was so thirsty for God that anytime I got one second in His presence I just drank in his goodness and mercy?

It's not that I haven't been drinking in His goodness. Believe me, I have! His goodness has been abounding lately. I just know that I have been rather stressed lately because there are a lot of uncertainties in my life right now. Like I'm still a temp at my job and I don't know when or if it will go permanent anytime soon. I could really use that permanence too because it comes with a pay raise and benefits. And Bryan is trying to decide what he wants to do and where he's going to work. Things have just been moving really quickly. I feel sometimes that I'm being swept downstream and I can't grab hold of anything to hold me back for a second.

But why would I want to hold back? I've been praying for this time forever! I've been asking God to move me to this new place in life; towards a family of my own. I guess I just thought it was a gradual process. But no. It seems as if God has decided I'm ready to go and we're going. His goodness is flowing through my life everywhere I turn. I just need to relax and drink it in. To be refreshed and renewed by His love and mercy for me. To be thankful that He has heard my prayers and the desires of my heart. To just enjoy life!

It's an exciting/scary/new place that I'm at. But God is with me and we're taking this journey together. And wherever He goes, I'm going. I just have to remember what he told me at the retreat...BE PATIENT!!! That's the hard part. Things are moving fast, but I still find myself trying to rush sometimes. Haha Is that even possible? To be swept downstream and still find yourself swimming with the current?

There is a song by Hillsong that has become my favorite lately. I listen to it every morning on my way to work. It's called "Take Heart" and the bridge is my favorite. It says:

All our troubles and all our tears
God our hope, He has overcome
All our failure and all our fear
God our love, He has overcome
All our heartache and all our pain
God our healer, He was overcome
All our burdens and all our shame
God our freedom, He has overcome
God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom, He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us, He has overcome

I love the simplicity of the message. It doesn't matter what we're going through or what we've been through or how we feel. God has overcome. He's with us and He's already overcome it all. So we can trust him. "So take heart. Let his love lead us through the night. Hold on to hope and take courage again."

Let's Play Catch-Up!

Wow. I haven't posted in this blog since September. That is ridiculous. It's a new year and a new time in my life. If you read that September post, then you already know that I have a boyfriend and a job in Odessa. Well I'm still with that boy. I'm still at that same temp job waiting for it to become permanent. And I'm still in Odessa. Haha So I guess not much has changed since September but things sure feel different.

Bryan and I celebrated our first Christmas together. It was my first Christmas to have a boyfriend ever so it was really special. He got me a really pretty cross necklace and some video games. I got hime some video games and some tools and some clothes. It was nice. Our relationship is so....magical? Is that the right word? I think so. Everything is so easy and natural with him. He strives to keep me smiling and is always so sweet. We have a lot of fun together. I love that I can just be my silly goofy self and he loves it.

But I shan't spend this entire blog bragging about my wonderful man. It's weird. I knew that I needed to blog but I opened up this post and now I can't think of anything to say. (Shocker that I can't think of anything to say, I know.) I guess I was just bored at work and thought that I could update everyone on my life. But everything seems so mundane and normal. There's no drama or disasters or aynthing. Just.....life. Simple, blissful life.

I meet Bryan's parents tonight. I'm a bit nervous but I think it will be good. They already seem so nice. It's weird to be with someone whose parents actually want to meet me and get to know me before they make a judgment about me. And they seem relatively open to invite me into the family. Yes, Bryan and I are moving toward joining our families. Slowly moving that direction, but moving nonetheless. It'll be nice to be a part of another family even though it's different from my own. (I'm struggling with recording my real, hateful thoughts about previous families. I will abstain. It's not like their behavior or my feelings about it was ever secret. No use digging it up again.) Thus, I look forward to the new adventure of meeting his parents and seeing how I fit into the mix of the Pearce world. I know it'll be quite different from my own as they are from Odessa which is a whole different world from San Angelo. But it'll be exciting. And I know that Bryan will guide me and defend me through whatever craziness comes our way. Have I mentioned that I love him? Cuz I do. A lot. A whole lot.

Well it's time to get back to work I suppose. Hopefully I'll find time to update more often. 3 months is really too long to go without posting.