Dear Me…
You’re 13 now and you’re about
to go through the swamp in the forest for the first time. You won’t know this
of course until 12 years later when God graces you with the chance to go through
it again. See in the next few years, you will lose a lot of things in the swamp
– things that are beautiful and precious to you. Things like your beauty, your
trust and your love. Those are only the beginning I’m sure. I've only just entered the swamp myself and haven’t uncovered all its treasures.
There will be much wandering through cobwebs and skeletons that you try to
shove into the already bursting closet. Think a kind of Snow-White-running-through-the-forest
terror. You’ll face some of your darkest days. But listen to the ancient
whispers of Sis. Farmer. They will save your life.
Don’t fret though – not every experience is bad. You’ll love and care for
the first of many babies in your life – John David. He’ll break your favorite
sunglasses but you’ll find a new favorite pair (which you will sit on and break
yourself). But he’ll also teach you a lot about love and how to care for a
baby. Quick tip – Lori is weird and cooks her rice in a bag. Just go with it
and whatever you do, don’t open the bag! Trust me on this; I’m saving you some
serious embarrassment. There will be times when you laugh until you literally
vomit. You’ll still smile when you think about those times.
Now if I may, allow me to give you some advice if I can. If nothing else,
allow me to warn you of some of the blows you are about to be dealt. There will
be a Bible Quiz trip with John where you will be tempted to ask him about your
beauty. I beg you with all my heart and soul – DO NOT ASK THAT QUESTION!!! His
answer will crush your soul and taint your self-worth for years. His answer is
misguided and inaccurate and it’s better if you never hear it. Someday a boy
will tell you, “Everything about you is hot except your face. It’s so ugly.” He’s
wrong. Your face is actually your best feature. Your emerald eyes and button
nose will be the favorite of a very special man soon and they will be drowned
in kisses. You will learn that you’re fat, your teeth are crooked, and you’ll
think character shirts are cool. You’re not, braces work magic and they are not….at
all! You’ll be told to settle. That’s terrible advice. Don’t take it! Your
flaws will be drug out of you and thrown in your face to embarrass and
humiliate you. Repeatedly. You will be given mortifying nicknames of which you’ll
never know the origin. Just do your best to manage a smile and pretend it doesn’t
sting. You’re tough. Later when you allow your tears to fall silently in the
dark, your brain will work to twist such things into positives. Grasp hold of
these necessary deceptions. That’s honestly the best advice I can give you as years later I still struggle to understand the necessity of such blatant cruelty
and abuse of a young girl’s heart. For some people, you will just never be good enough. Please learn this now and don't let it plague you. You are perfect just the way you are darling. Hear me - you are just right. Stop trying to be someone else to please others. It's not worth the pain as you will never be successful.
There will be a night when dad will drive you home from church and you
will be upset. When you pull into the garage, Dad will smack you on the back
out of frustration. Don’t hold it against him. Forgive him. He didn’t mean it
and had a momentary lapse in judgment. Treasure your time with him. It may be
short. Speaking of which, if you get a chance to visit Pawpaw’s grave, don’t be
afraid to lay face down on the grass and tell him goodbye. It’s important. Jesse
will always stand up for you and Brian will eventually find you less lame. Mom
gets way cooler if you let her and she’ll be your best friend soon. The two of
you will have the best adventures. Embrace her company and give her the
opportunity to wipe your tears every once in a while. She understands more than
you think. You and Brittany will go your separate ways over a tragic
misunderstanding. She will hurt you, but you’ll find a new best friend. Fall
and winter will be hard and lonely times. You will be sick. Grandpa will go to
be with Jesus. Jesse will find love and then lose it. But keep that quiet
Christmas mystery flame alive deep inside. It will come to burn brightly again.
Believe it or not dearest, you will look forward to Christmas day again. Be
patient.
Don’t get frustrated or discouraged with the “poems” you write behind the
youth stage while running words. They’re good practice and I’m sure good things
will come of them someday. Honestly…we’re still waiting for that as of 25, but
who knows what’s around the corner? Faith and dreams are key. You won’t be good
at Athletics. Band is more fun anyway. You will miss Senior Prom and John will
never make it up to you. It’s not a big deal. Just let it go. There will be
floods. Literal floods! Quit leaving your bag on the floor! You will never have
a boyfriend at camp. Be grateful for this. They all turn out to be complete
tool bags anyway. Don’t waste your tears or your time.
There will be boys. Oh lord, will there be boys! You’ll make some questionable choices down the
road. Some people are best avoided. If a guy named Matt contacts you on
Myspace, don’t respond! He’s creepy
and an enabler. Don't even go there. You’ll think you’ve found the one. You haven’t. He will
betray you in the most intimate way – in the way only you understand the full
burn of. But you don’t mishear God. That boy is a major part of your life as he
sets in motion the events that will lead you to the man you will soon marry….I
think. I hope. I pray. I wish! This man is the most amazing person you have
ever met and he was created solely for you down to the way you fit in the crook
of his arm. He will care for you so deeply that it will hurt at times. Precious
one, hear me when I tell you that you have no clue what love is. But he will
help you understand. He’ll find your love handles sexy! Not just tolerable, not
just a part of you but S E X Y! I
know – he’s perfect. He even likes the gross Skittles and lets you eat all the
good ones. Don’t give up on him. Trust me, you will want to at times. But he’s worth
the work. You’ll mess things up and run away, but he’ll always come after you.
He is sweet and kind and the biggest nerd you will ever meet! Embrace it as he’s
only going to draw out your inner nerd anyway. On that note, sneak into Brian
and Jesse’s room and play video games more often. You’ll wish you had better
skills down the road. And quit sleeping through football games! Pay attention
and learn something!
You’re a late bloomer in all regards, but it’s not so bad I promise! It
keeps you young. Stay childlike. Play Barbies till you’re 16. There’s
absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Dream big dreams. Don’t forget what you love. Don’t be afraid to be yourself.
Be loud! Be adventurous! Be creative! Protect you heart! Battle for what/who
you love! And remind mom about “na’kin time” every once in a while. She might
need the laugh.
Weather the storm my darling. Keep swimming through that muck. Take
tantrum breaks when you feel the need to. Just don’t sit too long in the mud.
It smells and there are more important things down the road. You will long for
the end of this time. You’ll pray for it to flash by, and with good reason for
these times are heavy and painful. But things will get better. Don’t
lose hope sweet one! And on days you do, take refuge in things you love. There’s
a Disney Princess coloring book that is particularly soothing. On that note, don’t
be so strict – color Jasmine purple for goodness’ sakes! Have fun with it! You
might not believe me, but you will survive this time. Just breathe…
Love,
Your older and wiser self
PS For the love of all things holy, STOP RUNNING AT MCDONALDS! You would
think after the gash in your knee in elementary school, you would have learned
your lesson. Running through McDonalds never ends well for you. If you don’t
stop, you’re going to end up with a nagging knee injury that will ache when the
weather changes and make you old before your time. So just knock it off!
