Two Become One

This morning around 6:24, I was awake. My body does that sometimes. Especially when the night before I realize that I'm on the other side of 25 - almost 27, which probably explains the graying hair, the need for nail strengthening vitamins and the necessity of putting lotion on my feet every night just like my mother because years of barefootedness have finally caught up to me. But that is another blog for another time.

Anyway, this morning my eyes pop open and I can't seem to find my way back to sleep. Probably because I realized that on Eowyn's Life Plan, I should have just welcomed my third child and be well on my way to completing our family with a fourth in a few very short years. But once again, for another time. So usually when I can't sleep in the middle of the night, I just cuddle Bryan. I snuggle up against him and strive to match my breathing to his. I don't know if it's the slow rhythmic breathing or the intoxicating smell of my husband, but it works every time. I'm out within minutes. So this morning, I just reach a hand over to my softly sleeping husband so I can take comfort in him. (Sidenote: he always sleeps so softly. Honestly, sometimes I check to make sure he's still breathing because he's so quiet.) Then it dawns on me. This is what God intended when He said the two will become one flesh.

He intended for man and wife to be so connected that they even breathe together. (Not all the time obviously - I'm speaking metaphorically here people!) One in mind, body and soul. That's what I have with Bryan. I have absolutely no doubt that he was created with me in mind. He's absolutely perfect for me. From the way my head fits on his shoulder and the way my body fits perfectly in the crook of his arm to his mannerisms and personality. If you've ever read Hunger Games (and if you haven't you TOTALLY should), you know the relationship between Peeta and Katniss. One of my favorite parts in the whole series, is when Katniss compares herself to fire and Peeta to a dandelion. That's describes Bryan and I perfectly. I'm passionate and wild, and he is so soothing and calm. He soothes me when I'm trying to blaze out of control. I create just enough spark in him. We're balanced. 

He is literally my other half. He completes me. (Not more than Jesus, but you get what I'm saying.) When he is gone from me, I feel lost. I can't imagine never having him. He is part of me now. We are one. A unit. Connected. Forever. His heart is so intertwined with mine that if it ever leaves, it will surely ruin me.(Newlyweds...I know) This was God's intention for a husband and wife. For our hearts to be intertwined with each other, that we cannot be separated. Total and complete oneness.

Sometimes I say really weird things when I'm hugging Bryan like: "I love you so much I just want to get in you." which I admit is kind of creepy. But I mean it in a "I love you so much that I was to be as close as absolutely possible to you, even becoming one with you" way, not a Luke Skywalker inside a Tonton way - although when it's super cold I'll admit that sometimes I joke about it. Haha I'm kidding. Sort of. Back to the point. I want to be one with Bryan. I want to have the same goals and dreams as him. I want us to move and act and even breathe as one. Like I love doing things that I like and watching him do things that he likes, but I want us to be united overall. Two people that are one. If you're married, I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say. If not, well...reread this when you're married and you'll probably understand better. It's difficult to explain. 

Needless to say, I did not go back to sleep this morning. The writer's brain in me overtook everything else. All I managed was waking Bryan up before his alarm went off and this blog. Hopefully, one of them is worth it. 

The Tragedy of Robin Williams

At the risk of making the story sadder than it already is, here are my thoughts reading the recent passing of the legend that was Robin Williams.

I was floored when I saw the posts on Facebook. I honestly thought it was a hoax. But it wasn't. I am devastated, but not because another Hollywood star has burned out. But because of how he burned out. The man was comedy gold for years! He was comedian. And he took his own life because of depression (I'm assuming this is the case, even though his publicist won't admit it). We all spent years laughing at his antics. My friends and I still laugh when we quote lines from Mrs. Doubtfire. Yet, he felt so alone and lost that he took his own life.

I can't help but identify with him. During high school, I spent a lot of time laughing and making others laugh, while I was hurting on the inside. The moment the lights were off and I was alone, the tears would come out. But no one knew I was in pain. How could I be? I always seemed so happy. I was always joking around and laughing. It was a very good mask. One that Robin seemed to be wearing as well. 

I can't help but think about the sermon Andrew Youngblood preached on Sunday. To Seek and to Save the Lost. Robin was lost. He was right in front of us all the time, and yet he was lost. Somewhere along the way, things stopped being funny for him. He lost his way and got on a path that lead to his destruction. Why didn't someone invite themselves into his life? Why didn't anyone do something? Surely, someone must have noticed that something was amiss somewhere! Right??? Why didn't anyone do anything? Why did Robin feel like there was no hope? Nowhere to turn. Nothing to live for. Why? Why? Why?

The question beats in my head and my heart. Someone tweeted this about him: Genie, you're free. It's heart-wrenching. One of his most beloved characters is such a clear depiction of what his life must have become. Feeling trapped and chained by circumstances beyond his control. No place to breath, no one to share in his misery. And yes, he's free from all that now. But what unspeakable horrors will he be forced to face in the afterlife? What brief temporary relief did he receive in his last moments? Before he met the Creator. My heart is broken just thinking about it. The tragedy is that he made an eternal decision out of desperation for something more. 

I understand that Robin was a movie star and perhaps out of our reach. But what about the people around you? What about your co-workers? The single moms in your play group? Your neighbors? Your friends? The good church kids who are bleeding on the inside and laughing on the outside? Jesus came to seek and to save the lost. When He left this earth, He passed that task on to us. We've got to better people, myself included. Let's take the tragedy of Robin Williams and turn it into a lesson for all of us. Laughter is a good mask. It covers a lot of things. Let's not be so blind to let someone we love slip away again. Let's not forget our mission on this earth - to seek and to save the lost....whoever they may be and however they found themselves lost.

"Thinspiration" From a "Fat" Girl's Perspective

So I just heard this new song "All About that Bass" by Meghan Trainor. If you haven't heard it yet, you can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk . If you don't want to listen, I'll sum it up for you. Basically the girl is proud of her curves and booty. Her mama told her not to worry about her size because "boys like a little more booty to hold at night." I'm really digging this song and here's why: a) It's super catchy and b) The music video is super cute.

Bet that's not what you expected. I bet you expected me to say I liked it because FINALLY curvy girls are getting some props for being beautiful. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy that it's finally okay to have curves. But at the same time, this song saddens me because it seems to discriminate against women who don't have curves. Like why can't we all just be beautiful? Why do I get to be more beautiful because I have curves or less beautiful for the same reason? It's really rather ridiculous when you think about it.

I have several friends who are super skinny. I also have several friends who are in the middle. And I have several friends who are on the bigger side. They are all beautiful in their own ways. And the funny thing is - no matter what size you are or how good you think you look, the grass always seems greener on the other side. My skinny friends are jealous of my cleavage. I'm jealous of the fact that they can go without a bra. Seriously...they get to wear strapless dresses without suffering the horrors of trying to keep a strapless bra up. But they wish they had the cleavage popping out the top of that same strapless dress that I have. My cousin and I joke all the time about halfing my boobs with her so we could both have the "perfect" amount. (Sorry if that's TMI.)

And it doesn't just go for sizing. It goes for everything!!! We wish we had that girl's eyes, another girl's booty, another girl's legs, her lips, her nose, her hair. Prime example: my friend Brittany recently had several brain surgeries and a stroke, so her head had to be shaved. But she is TOTALLY rockin' the red pixie cut. Man I wish I could pull that off. But the irony of the fact is that she wishes she had my long ponytail. Every woman does it. 

Why can't we just be happy with what we have? I'm not saying don't appreciate the beauty of others, but don't depreciate yourself in the process. I've been doing Blogilates with Cassey Ho this year. If you haven't heard of her, go to blogilates.com and check it out. Seriously, she'll change your life. Like for real. You know why? Because she constantly reaffirms that every woman is beautiful just the way she is, but it's okay to want to change yourself for the better. It's okay to be chesty or have no chest or have a thigh gap or constantly wear tights because your thighs literally love each other so much that they try to smother each other if you don't separate them. It's okay to have some excess tummy fat that you want to lose. It's okay to want to bulk up your arms or lose that jiggle. Everything is okay because ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL IN THEIR OWN WAY!!!  Marilyn Monroe was curvy. Audrey Hepburn was skinny. I adore both of them for their uniqueness and for their just overall awesomeness!!! They are a perfect example of the simple fact that beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes. 

So while I like the song, it's frustrating at the same time. I don't want to be fat-shamed anymore than skinny girls was to be thin-shamed. Is that even a thing? I think it is. "Men love women with curves." "No one wants to cuddle a stick." It's just all so.....unnecessary. And this is coming from a girl who spent most of her life being "fat." It's not fun to be judged based on size. Let's not do it to girls who are thin, just because curves are being recognized as beautiful again. That's counterproductive. Thin girls struggle just as much as big girls. My cousin tries to gain weight all the time so she's not "too skinny" but she has this thing called a metabolism that prevents that. I try to lose weight so I'm not so "chunky" but I have this thing called a sweet tooth. I'm a baker people. And I'm proud of it. I love ice cream and cake!!! (I also like that Bryan now works for a big company so I can pass off all my treats on them. But that's another story for another time. Lol) There's nothing wrong with that. That's the way God made us. My cousin and I are from the same beginning set of genes and we couldn't be more different in size. Does that mean she's better than me or I'm better than her? No!!! She's Audrey and I'm Marilyn. And we're both pretty legit.

Let's all just rebel against the whole thing!!! Thigh gaps. Fat-shaming. Thin-shaming. The whole ridiculous nonsense. Can we do that? Can all women just agree to stop talking about this whole size issue? Then maybe it'll finally die and we can focus on more important things like family and community.

You're beautiful!!! I'm beautiful!!! We're all beautiful!!! So while I'll definitely be jamming to this song, it won't be because I think curvy girls are better than skinny girls. It'll literally be because it is just SO DARN catchy! And it makes me wanna shake my big ole booty. Haha :)