Princess of Worry

So I went to see a movie with my mom tonight and it invoked some interesting ideas within my mind. The movie: How Do You Know starring the lovely Reese Witherspoon. Now before you go considering that I am going to go on some strange stereotypical rant about how do you know when you're in love and other such cliche nonsense, let me say: It has absolutely nothing to do with that! Haha

The part of the movie that most appealed to my sense of wonder came in a conversation between two supporting characters, not even the main ones. A girl had just had a baby and her boyfriend was proposing to her and he called her "the princess of worry." The construction of that phrase has such an elegant sound that it immediately caught my mind's eye. Worry is so commonly construed as a negative thing. However, using words like princess somehow casts a different light on things. It's even different than being the queen of worry. Somehow "queen" makes the phrase much more harsh. Princess carries the perfect amount of innocence and grace to make the phrase quite appealing.

I think I'm a princess of worry. Now you might be wondering why on earth I would want to be considered royalty of a negative thing. If you know me, especially as of late, you are quite aware that I am a worrier! I worry about everybody, even those who don't give a hoot about me. As previous posts suggest, there have been times when I have wished that I could quite worrying about such people. But I cannot. I have often thought of it as my cross to bear so to speak. Yet now, I am thinking that I am just a princess of worry because in the words of Al (the boyfriend) "it's just becasue I have such a big heart."

Maybe this is just more prevalent because I have new friends who understand the completeness of my worrying skills. (Yes skills!) Even today I realized that I have subconsciously been worrying for like a week about one of my friends. (Secretly, I think he's mad at me because I accidently lied to him. Yes it was an accident. It's a complicated story for another time. Anyway...) I haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks. It's been somewhat surreal. Well today he posted on facebook that he was going on a roadtrip and suddenly I felt like this giant weight had been lifted off of me. I know that may seem stupid because technically he still hasn't talked to me and may very well still be mad. But, I know that he's okay. He's doing something fun and he's okay. Thus I do not have to worry because I know that, at least he is safe.

So I don't know. Maybe this means nothing to you and you feel like you've wasted a good 5 minutes of your life reading this post. But to me, it meant soemthing, and I just thought I would share. Personally, I'd rather be considered a "princess of worry" thana "worry wart."

Completion!

I am having trouble finding words to describe the ecstasy that I am currently fulled with. The sheer joy of finally accomplishing a seemingly impossible goal! AND accomplishing it one whole day early! No late night panicking or cramming or throwing something together last minute. I have just submitted my FINAL assignment for my FINAL class for my FINAL semester as a college student! In less than 72 hours I will be a college graduate, complete with degree!

Everything got real as I clicked Submit on that assignment. I have a whole entire day tomorrow to relax and just be "done." Finally after 4 and a half years I am finished with something great that I had to work hard for. All those feelings of wishing that I could skip this time in my life have melted away. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world.

Tears swell in my eyes as I savor my sense of accomplishment. This task was by no means easy and I DID IT! I FREAKING DID IT! There has already been a celebatory 13-year-old squeal and dance around the living room. However, I am sure before 6:30 Friday night, there will be several more. I will no doubt perform this dance with all of my friends and family over the next several days. And it will be a sweet sweet dance every time it is performed.

To every single person out there that has every supported me or even believed in me for half a second - THANK YOU! To every person who ever challenged me and pushed me to be better - THANK YOU! And to every person who thought I was a failure and would never amount to anything - THANK YOU! How's it feel to eat your words??? I feel a bit like Terrell Owens here but your lack of confidence in my abilities has spurred me on to GREATNESS! So thanks for that!

Hallelujah Praise the Lord of Hosts! You have brought me through the fire and I SURVIVED! Now I will follow you forward into the awesomeness that you have planned for me. I cannot wait to go on this adventure. So this is what it feels like to excited about life again? I had almost forgotten...

Close the Windows!

Poem written for my Creative Writing class. Have I mentioned that I adore that class?

Close the Windows

Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
of destruction in my life.
It's carrying away
my hopes,
my dreams,
my goals.
The world teases me.
It lets me play
with what I want,
but never lets me keep it.
There are students
that I teach and encourage,
but they are not my students.
I am not their teacher.
I am only the aide.
There are babies
that I love and care for,
but they do not belong to me.
I am only the nanny,
a faint substitute for mom.
There are stories
that I write and am proud of,
but I am no author,
simply a dreamer.

The wind carreis away my love.
I can only grasp at it
as it flies out the window.
My best friend
is a boy I love
who loves another
and will soon marry her
instead of me.
My father is sick.
He is dying.
He will never get better,
only worse,
until he is gone forever.

Life slow down!
You pass too quickly!
I'm falling behind.
I'm spread too thin.
Seal up the windows!
Blockade the doors!
Before youth has passed me by,
before I'm old and regretful,
before my dreams are nothing but,
before it's my time to die.

I long to marry
my best friend
in a church
with my father
by my side
down the aisle.
I long for sweet baby feet
to toddle behind
calling me "mama"
as they cling to my legs.
I long for a classroom
with my name
on the door
full of young minds
ripe for molding.
I long for books
with my stories inside
with my name
on the cover
to fill the shelves
of Barnes and Noble.

I long to live life.
To enjoy it.
To make it my own.
Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
that steals my hopes,
my dreams...
my life.

My Hard Work Finally Pays Off!!!!

I am so super excited right now! Excitement almost beyond words! I just got online to check my grades and found out that my Creative Writing professor wants to publish one of my poems in SAGU's E-journal! The poem was written as an assigment in using lies (hyperbole) to express truth (how you feel). I wrote the poem after going several days with an unnoticed black eye. I am so excited that something I wrote was meaningful and inspirational to her. So much so that she wants to PUBLISH it so it can be read by OTHER PEOPLE! I am beside myself with excitment. You would think I just got something published in the New York Times. Haha. :)

So here it is: Invisible Woman

I am the invisible woman.
No one sees me.
No one hears me.
No one even knows that I'm alive.
The simple truth of the matter is
I am completely invisible.
One day I'm all smiles...
but no one smiles back.
The next day I'm glazed eyes
from a lack of sleep and tormented dreams...
but no one takes notice.
Mascara streaks stain my cheeks from endless tears,
and no one offers a tissue to wipe them away.
I sit in a stench-crammed gutter of mud with preoccupied flies,
and no one offers a hand up or a hand out.
I stand in the middle of the supermarket
and scream till my lungs bleed,
and people just walk by,
gathering their groceries and marking things off their lists.
I walk with slit wrists dripping on the sidewalk,
and people simply step around the blood.
No one sees my dirty scars.
No one hears my bloody sobs.
No one cares about my fabulous meltdown.
I tip-toe, I sprint, I shriek, I weep.
I collapse in a heap of distressed anguish.
I am unequivocally invisible.

Fun with Words

So I am totally in love with my creative writing class already. It's going to be the best class I've ever taken. We just get to play with words for like half of our assignments. It's awesome. So I'll be posting some of my favorite writing on here from time to time.

Word Pool:
Dark night dance Party
Guitar picture perfect fault
Vault waste empty
Craft modern bride monster
Witness individual revolt
Awkweird. Fazooly. Rabititious.
Purple freedom. Black fight.
Frozen Magenta. Sandy Farmer.
Silent listening. Blind seeing. Bland taste.
Bang clang boom click tick screech
Turn twist push pull
Separetely together nevermore.

Our Real Names:
My real name is Eowyn.
It means warrior princess, but that's not always who I am.
Yesterday my name was damsel in distress.
Today it's juste une fille.
Tomorrow it could very well be brushes with death or innocent bystander.
My ex-boyfriend calls em heartbreaker and himself heartbroken.
However, in the midst of the dance, I found just the opposite to be true.
When I was young, my mom called me inner pirate.
But my dad referred to me as unwrapped passion.
On Mondays, my name is usually pretty meltdown.
On Fridays, irrestible breakthrough.
Sunday, sweet blues.
Rarefied scars, cosmic walruses and absolute crush are all names that have graced my name tag.
I've been up all night, G-rated and lifelike all in one day.
Whether I be party, simplicity, bootleg, dad approved, German, Amish,
Random, fabulous, king or scoundrel - I remain perfect in the eyes of He who matters.

It's the open doors that let the demons in.

Get ready for some honesty. Pure. Brutal. Honesty.

A friend asked me today: "Why do you hurt yourself when you want to hurt someone else?" A seemingly strange question that is actually 100% legit. I do that...often. I get upset with someone and then act out in ridiculous behavior as if to test their devotion to me or something equally as stupid. It's as if I try to give them a reason to walk away and leave me, because then I know the root of their disappearance and it somehow makes it less painful. At least that's what I tell myself. Everyone knows that is a load of crap. Even as I type this I want to punch myself in the face for being so dumb. Yet, this is truth. I've done it for years, subconsciously at first and then very much consciously and planned.

It's finally come to a head and it has to stop.

So why do I do this over and over again? Simple. I am scared out of my MIND at the thought of being crushed again. I have locked my heart in a dungeon and guard it with dragons and alligator-filled moats. But there are weak places in these castle walls and when someone finds them, it is easy to get close to my heart. But as soon as someone starts getting too close, my defense mechanisms kick in and I attack, doing everything in my power to push people away from my heart's hiding place and cause such confusion that they are incapable of finding it again. It's like flipping a switch. I've clearly prayed over and over for an end to this nonsense; for help to trust and let my heart be free. And God has been silent. So today in sheer desperation I went looking for words to express my pain. And I found them. Psalms 6 in the Message:

"Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection. Can't you see I'm black-and-blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm so tired of all this - so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope. Get out of here, you Devil's crew: at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered. Cowards, my enemies disappear. Disgraced, they turn tail and run."

Let me just say that I absolutely love David and his ability to just lay it out there like it is. This is how I've been feeling for over 2 years now. "If you love me at all, get me out of here." Finally, this morning I realized that God has heard my sobs. In an attempt to put a tourniquet on the damage done to my heart last night, I stepped back and was able to identify the problem. The door to the past is not fully closed. There is a still one foot in the door that hinders its closing. Until that door is closed, those demons will continue to flood my heart and reek havoc in my soul. I know what I have to do to close that door; I've known for a long time but I am terrified to do it. The pain that will be required for me to push that door closed is almost more than I can bear to think about. I sob and shake as I write this. I have to go back to the place where the bleeding began and just let it go. I can't do it from here. I have to go back. I have to face my fears with complete abandon and honesty. It's enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and die. But I have to do it. God has said it. He has promised that He will provide me with the strength to do it, and I think He has even sent the person who will hold my hand through it. Because I can't do it alone. I will chicken out I know it.

But the task is before me and healing is on the horizon. I will NOT allow myself to push this under the rug another moment. I WILL tackle this demon and close the door. I WILL finally have peace. I will NOT allow stupid fear to rob me of God's precious love and gifts for me any longer. 2 years is by far long enough! I take comfort and courage in these words from Jahaziel found in 2 Chronicles 20:17: "You will not have to fight this battle. This is God's war, not yours. You won't have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you. Watch His saving work for you take shape. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. March out boldly tomorrow - God is with you."

It's EMPTY!

So I know I've been talking about redoing my room for quite awhile now and you are probably thinking that I was just kidding or something. But I wasn't. I am actually doing it this week. We cleared out the room today. It is completely empty. The bunny wallpaper is almost off and paint should be going on the walls starting tomorrow. I have started repainting furniture as well. I know, I KNOW - you want pictures. They are coming soon I promise! Everything is looking super awesome fabulous so far. I love it!

Room Progess

Well the room redo has been slightly delayed due to spontaneous trips to California. (You're welcome Simon and Reagan!) So I haven't finished taking everything off the walls or moved furniture or painted anything.....or even bought paint. Haha However, I DID buy towels today! Target had wonderful towels in the perfect colors for 5 bucks! Who could resist that deal? So I went ahead and got 2 sets: one in black and one in turquoise. I can buy more later. This is just enough to get me started. Plus I got the rest of my frames. Well all but one. They were sold out of the biggest one I needed but they'll have it in stock and another sale in a week or two, so I'm not too concerned about it. The search is on for good spare sheets and curtains. I already have the bedset picked out I'm just waiting for it to possibly go on sale or for a coupon to come. Don't judge my smart shopping! I'm not a rich kid; I have to EARN my own money now. So far Target has been my best bet in things I like at a reasonable price. I'll probably end up getting most of the stuff there. What a surprise - Target is my best friend! Is there any wonder why I love Target? It never does me wrong...well sometimes it does like when it discontinues the picture of my dreams before I had 100 dollars to blow on it. But tha'ts aobut the only time it has really done me wrong. I like it better than Wal-Mart. I think it has better choices that definitely look nicer. Maybe it's just me. Anyway, I'm super excited to be moving forward with the remodel. My goal for the weekend is to finish stripping the walls and start packing stuff in boxes to temporarily move into Brian's old room. Until then...

School's In...for Summer

One would probably think that any normal person would not be excited to attending school during the summer. But when have I ever been normal? And "normally" people get to go to school during the Fall and Spring so it's not exciting to go in the Summer. I, however, do not get this priviledge of normalicy so I'm super excited to be able to attend REAL college for once!

I am taking Fitness Walking and Human Biology with a lab. I have successfully survived my first 2 days and so far I LOVE IT! There are people...to interact with....that aren't under the age of 5! Haha. I haven't exactly made friends yet but I have met some people and had some conversations. The homework hasn't been too bad.....yet! So I'm totally loving it! Except the getting up early part. And the sitting for 2 hours during Bio lecture in the super small desk that is far from comfortable. And the annoying smarty-pants that everyone rolls their eyes at. (It's not me btw.) And the girl with the permanent stank face. But other than that, I LOVE IT! Haha.

So yeah for potential friends and possible boyfriends. :D

It's time...

...to start the remodel process. I finally finished cleaning up my room. Today I took pictures of my room so I can always remember the way it looked as I grew up. It was kind of sad, but exciting at the same time. Tomorrow I'll begin the painful process of taking everything off the walls and removing ALL.THE.MILLIONS.OF.STAPLES! And I do mean millions. I apparently didn't want things to come off the wall...EVER! Hahaha. As I take down souvenirs that have been safely displayed on my walls for all these years, I will put them in a safe place to be scrapbooked later. It's gonna be so weird to see my room revert to the state that it began in when I was in first grade. Yeah, I moved into this room when I was in first grade with baby pink walls and a bunny border. I've only added to the decoration since then. Now it's time for a change. I suppose I really am growing up. Wow, strange feeling. Well let the change begin!

Pics coming soon I promise!

He said "Yes!"

Haha, no I didn't propose. Well I kinda did but it was marriage. Today I pitched the idea for my bedroom and bathroom renovation to my dad. I was a bit nervous about how it would go, since I'm going from the baby pink walls with the bunny border to turquoise. But, he took it surprisingly well and was on board with all my ideas. Well some convincing was required on a few items (like painting all the furniture black with white accents), but for the most part he just listened and agreed. He seemed a bit more sentimental to see the room change than I was. Haha

I think I did a wonderful job explaining everything and proving that I had a clear idea and plan so it wouldn't be an unfinished job for all eternity. I'm super excited to get started. First step: Finish cleaning. :( I have to get everything kinda put away before I can about pulling it all out of the room. Why, you ask. Because it makes less of a mess all over the house if things are pulled out in chunks rather than having seventeen random piles of random stuff sitting all over the living room floor in the entryway. At least this is what my mom says. Haha.

It's gonna be a big project! The tasks include:
Bedroom:
1) Remove all items from the wall.
-Remove wallpaper.
-Scrapbook all memoribilia.
-Shadowbox keychains.
-Reframe posters.
-Remove all staples. (Quite a task...you'll understand why when you see all that's on the walls.)
2) Paint the walls.
3) Repaint 2 shelves, my TV stand and my chest of drawers.
4) Hang new curtains.
5) Rehang items on the wall.
6) Put on new bedspread. :)

Bathroom: (much simplier)
1) Paint.
2) New shower rod and curtain.
3) Decorate walls.
4) New towels, rugs and toothbrush holder, etc.

I'll do my best to get the cleaning done tomorrow and then it'll be time to start start taking things down. Hooray for change! (Mark this down as I usually HATE change. Point-and-case: my bunny border from kindergarten when we built the house.) I'll be posting regularly once the project starts so you can all keep up with the progress. Pictures to come soon! Hooray again! :)

Old Pictures

So I was cleaning out some old papers in preparation for the remodel and I found a bunch of old pictures from when I was in Master's Commission. I was a lot happier then. My eyes show it. Life was just genuinely easier becuase I had friends. Friends that didn't last, but friends nonetheless. Sigh.....am I done with this season of loneliness? Good Grief! Can I get some more friends PLEASE??? I really don't think that's too much to ask.

::Tonight I'm screaming out to the stars. He knows He owes me a favor.::

I Can't Wait...

...to be able to post about the redecoration of my bedroom and bathroom. It's gonna be super awesome! I'm so excited. Now all I have to do is finish school up and tell my dad.

No he doesn't know yet. Let's try and keep it that way.

It's not that I don't want him to know or am scared of what he'll say. It's more I need to be ready to it when I make the announcement because he'll be gunk-ho and it'll be done in no more than a week. He'll get all impatient if I'm not ready when he is. Haha.

Plus there's still a lot to be decided. I have a pretty good idea on paint for the walls, colors for the furniture, pictures for the walls, new bedding and curtains, and shower curtains and bathroom accessories.

Hurry up and be done school so I can move on to more fun things! Gosh!

Singin' in the Rain...

Last night as I emerged from the YMCA after an intense Zumba class, the sky was pouring down rain. It was a lovely sight. As mom and I walked to the car and became soaked, I was taken back to my childhood days of playing soccer in the rain. I could have stood out there all evening feeling the cool water drop onto my warm sweaty skin. It was running down my face and it was glorious! I was sad to get into the car and go home to dry safety.

Ahhh.......the memories of youth.......

Am I Done Yet?

In true childlike fashion I find myself repeatedly asking, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Is it December? Am I finally done with this idiot event called 'school'? Can I move on to something more exciting now? Please? Pretty please with sugar on top?

Don't get me wrong: I love education and learning new things and am not really in any hurry to get older. However, I am so beyond over on this whole online school nonsense. College is supposed to be the experience of a lifetime. What am I experiencing? Boredom? Check!

I am so looking forward to summer school in June. I know, I know. Who looks forward to summer school? PEOPLE WHO NEVER GET TO SOCIALIZE WITH KIDS THEIR OWN AGE - that's who. I have like 2 friends my age and they're all currently busy getting ready to graduate. Wish I was facing those stresses. I'm so ready to be done that I'm taking 6 classes in the fall. Just so I can finish and do something else with my life. I'm thinking about getting my teaching certificate or getting a degree in Interior Architecture. Not sure yet though. I just know that if I NEVER EVER have to take another class online it'll be too soon.

In retrospect, if I had it all to do over again, would I do it differently? You bet your boots I would! I'd do it completely differently! What seemed like a good plan at the time turned quickly into a nightmare that I was stuck in! Hasn't it been worth it though? No way! Not even close! I'd trade the few heartbreaking lessons I've learned for a couple of good friends and a homecoming bonfire anyday. Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk I suppose. Nothing left to do now but mop it up and try to move on with what I've got left.

But have no doubt in your mind....I'M READY FOR SOME CHANGE!

"Already Pretty" Post

I decided to follow in the steps of Sarah and make an "already pretty" poll. It's basically a list of my 5 favorite things about my body. It's an attempt to stop focusing on the negative and focus on the things that are "already pretty." :D So without further ado...

Already Pretty
1. My eyes - color-changing beauty set in the perfect shape to allow expression and emotion to be conveyed easily. Plus they're sparkly and pretty. :)

2. My hair - I can rock it short or long, straight or curly, up or down, with no highlights or dye needed. Glorious!

3. My back - I love the way it looks in formal dresses and swimsuits when it's all tan. The dip toward my spine is just lovely.

4. My feet - they are small and adorable. I can find extra cute shoes because I get to shop in the little girls' department. And my toes look glorious when they are painted. And they're not so dainty that I can't still use them to kick a soccer ball.

5. My hands - besides the fact that they're pretty and rock fake nails or french manicures with ease, they are quite functional. Without them, I couldn't live out my dreams of being a writer. I love the way they write and type and entertain people when I get too excited about something and they get to flying. haha And they're great for tickling babies and punching my brothers.

So there's my "already pretty" poll. What's yours?

Sweet Jesus...

Fasten your spiritual seatbelts, it's going to be a ride! Here we go...

So lately I've been wrestling with the Lord over some issues. Our current bible study seemed to bring more fear and condemnation than holy encouragement. I've been afraid that God is terribly angry and disappointed with me. If you know me at all, you know that I do not do well with those feelings. When I feel like I have let someone down, my initial reaction is to straight run the other direction so as to not further disapppoint. This is where I have been standing with God for the past 2 weeks; slowly stepping backward with hesitant eyes and a weary heart, though I know I should run into his arms, not away from them. So I have been stuck in a ongoing battle over which way to run.

I have been discussing these emotions with a friend of mine and they have done their best to provide encouragement for me to NOT RUN! I've done everything to convince my friend that it's better for me to run because then I'm not a failure. My friend has had the same consistent answer "pray about it." Tonight, it finally came to a head when I stated that I feel like God has nothing to say to me. I expressed the feeling that God now hates me, despite His obvious displays of love in the past. I felt like He was angry and therefore leaving me with no answer. I told my friend that all I wanted was an expression of love from God so I would know that He hadn't forgotten me. My friend encouraged me to "press in deeper." So I did.

I decided to find a verse to try and express my feeling to put as my facebook status. So I went to biblegateway.com and typed 'love' in the search box. As I was scrolling down the typical verses, I began to think it was hopeless. And then I stumbled upon Jeremiah 2:25.

Jeremiah 2:25 (NIV): Do not run until your feet are bare and your throat is dry. But you said 'It's no use! I love foreign gods and I must go after them.'

Wow. The first part of the verse is what really struck me. After I express a deep desire to run away from God, I find this straight instruction to not do that. So I asked my friend if they were praying and they said "yeah I am." Thank God for friends. I think what most appeals to me about this verse is that it's not a straight command like "Don't be afraid." It's like a negotiation. It's like He is simply telling me to give Him a chance. Don't run yet. Don't run until my feet are bare from pursuing Him and my throat dry from calling out to Him. I'm getting misty-eyed all over just thinking about it. And when I think back on my life, God has never left me so desperate. He has never left me with bare feet and a dry throat. I always have strength to struggle onward a little longer even when I think I've reached my breaking point. And He miraculously always comes to my rescue before I collapse. The second part of the verse applies too because He calls me to be patient and I try to make excuses. For the past 2 weeks, I've been trying to convince God of how big of a screw-up I am like He'll decide I'm not worth being used and remove His hand from my life. First of all, He knows how a big of a screw-up I am and doesn't need me to tell Him. Second of all, my weaknesses only make Him love me more, so it's really futile to try to make excuses.

So in case that wasn't awesome enough on it's own, I decided to take Beth Moore and Kay Arthur's advice and dig deeper into the word. So I looked up the same verse in The Message.

Jeremiah 2:25 (The Message): Slow down. Take a deep breath. What's the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway? But you say, 'I can't help it. I'm addicted to alien gods. I can't quit.'

Wow! Really? Can the same verse in another version really appeal to a completely separate issue in my life? Apparently. I've been quite impatient with God for answers and solutions to issues that plague me. And here are some direct instructions to just chill. What's even more amazing is that when people tell me to do this, my response is consistently "I can't help it." Oh geez. The Lord clearly knows what I am feeling and going through and wants me to just be patient and give Him a chance to show why He is the Lord of Hosts.

It can't get any better right? Wrong! God proceeded to encourage me to continue in the pursuit of my dreams. It started by my statement: It kills me to put love and effort into something and then watch it get ruined through no fault of my own. This was in reference to my desire to be as far away from ministry as possible because my passion got smashed when I was in it before. My friend's response: Well you have to realize it makes you stronger in the long run. To which I sharply responsed: I haven't received that strength yet. And then it hit me - I don't have that strength yet because I don't need it yet. However, I just finished the rewrite of the book that I started in Master's Commission. I want to send it to a publisher, but I've been dragging my feet in the process. And through this conversation, it dawned on me that I'm hesitant to take that final step because I'm scared of the rejection of something I have worked so passionately on for the past 2 years of my life. Dreams of epic proportions are wrapped up in that small piece of literature. I'm not sure I can handle the possible rejection that might come from putting it out there in the public eye. But, God will give me the strength to stand up under that weight because of the trials surrounding my passion and devotion of the past.

So it's been a pretty epic and amazing night. And it didn't even have to come on a women's retreat or through puddles of tears. Just through some simple facebook chat with a good friend. Every time I think I have God figured out, He changes things up on me. I love it! It keeps me intrigued, because everyone knows that when I start to figure things out, I start to get bored. Oh how He loves ME!

Final thought: My friend said, "If your walk ever slows to a tip-toe, then you need something to change." I responded, "If I'm walking at all, I need something to change. I'm much better at a sprint...and I haven't sprinted in a loooong time."

Update on the Weekend

First of all, let me just say that oatmeal-covered babies are the sweetest as they think they really did a magnificent job with that spoon you gave them. And they don't understand why you don't want their oatmeal hugs and sticky kisses until they've been dipped in the bathtub. So precious!

Anyway, for those of you keeping up, you know that my friend Brittany's wedding was this weekend and I was somewhat apprehensive about it. Well after the bachelorette party last weekend, I was a little more relaxed. The wedding was wonderful! None of the stupid idiots I was expecting to have to put up with even showed their ugly faces. :D You can imagine my delight. Plus, I was paired with an incredibly sweet groomsman. He made sure I was taken care of the entire time. At the rehearsal dinner, he brought me my drink and got me refills and gave me his seat when some people were sitting around talking and I wanted to join the conversation. After the wedding, he took my arm and introduced me to all his friends. He made sure I had something to drink and brought me some cake. He danced with me and kept an eye on me to make sure that I wasn't standing awkwardly by myself. He let me wear his coat and even tied my shoes for me! AND he asked if I needed him to hold my hair back when I got sick and threw up. Personally, I think that's going above and beyond the duties of a groomsman. (And yes, I did throw up. I hadn't eaten anything but candy and cake since breakfast. Mix that with a rainbow of emotion and you have a recipe for an upset stomach. So I threw up in the alley behind the theatre. Haha, typical me - I know.)

So to sum it up, I had a blast and made tons of new friends. They're already asking when I'm coming back. I think it would be safe to say that I will be frequenting the Dallas/Fort Worth area in the future. And as far as the whole revenge weight loss thing goes, let me just say: I looked stunning (if I do say so myself)! I don't have any pictures yet, but when I do, I'll be sure and post them.

Final thoughts: Clearly God loves me as He took a situation I was totally frantic about and turned it into an amazing evening where I made tons of new friends - something I've been begging for for months! Oh how He loves us! :D

Epiphany

Ok. So by now all of you know of my amazing moment at the Women's Retreat last fall where the Lord invited me to "Come to me and let's fall in love all over again." The message was deep and dear to my heart. Yet, I find myself still standing there staring at him with his hand outstretched as he waits for me to come and dance with him. Why? Because in the words of Beth Moore I am both angry and scared out of my mind. The devastation of the whole "Lincoln" saga is still causing me to be cautious. This realization comes as relationships teeter between good and bad.

So tonight at Bible Study, we listened the that song "He Loves Us." The words "He is jealous for me" have often been just cute fluff to me...that is before tonight. I began to think about a jealous person. Someone who is jealous acts like a crazy person and vies for the attention of the loved one desperately. Jealousy evokes an attitude of pride and attempts to make the person look better than their competitor. The Creator of the Universe is jealous for me? Well no wonder my relationships are trapped on a rollercoaster. Everytime I hit a low spot I hear His words gently Come to me and let's fall in love all over again. And then there's a high but I can still hear His words on the wind. And then a whisper again as the low comes. Sometimes I wish He would just scream instead of gently tucking at my heartstrings. I think it would be less painful.

His jealousy for me is everywhere. His romantic gestures fly in my face as I wander through life wondering when I'll find someone to love me. Am I retarded? There is NO reason to play "hard-to-get" with the Lord of Hosts! He has blatantly expressed His deep intense love for me and still I stand here drooling on myself and hestitating! My soul screams at me: CUT AND RUN! DIVE HEAD FIRST INTO HIS MERCY AND LOVE FOR YOU! JUST DO IT! QUIT RESISTING AND DO IT!

So tonight I took the step toward His outstretched hand. While my soul longs to just run into his open arms and dance a waltz of romance, my heart still causes my steps to be small. But even a small step is better than feet frozen in concrete. I imagine a cheesy chick flick moment to be in the near future. You know, where the woman sees the man of her dreams and walks slowly toward him before breaking into a sprint and falling into his loving arms as he spins her around. To be honest, this small step wasn't easy either. But that's what the enemy is banking on - that I won't be able to move past this devastation. But the relief and love that broke even at this small step was so intense that I cannot imagine I will stay here long. I long to have my "this far" moment with God; to be able to look back and ask "How did you bring me so far?"

Just do it...deep breath and do it...

Heartbreakers

Wow...heartbreakers....straight heartbreakers. Man Colts, after all that effort and love, you're just gonna let me down like that? Not cool boys! NOT COOL!

Needless to say, I am quite depressed. Not even my darling man could lift my spirits. Though in all honesty, I'm not sure he really tried. He knew it was a difficult task and openly admitted that he could not make me feel better. But gave it an hour long shot anyway. He's a good man. You would think I just got dumped by my fiance or something. No wait...this feels worse than that. That was at least a good thing. This....I can find no good in.

I suppose I can be mature and say "there's always next year..." but I'd rather eat ice cream and find comfort in the soft cloud that is my new bed.

*sniff* Good try Colts! I still love you! *sniff*

Super Bowl XLIV

GO COLTS! I'm super syked because my team has made it to the Super Bowl. I hope we can defeat the Saints and finally give an answer for "Who dat?," you know since we apparently can't count the Dallas Cowboys and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

I'm sure my boys can pull it off for me again. Conditions are perfect for a superstitious victory. The last time the Colts won the Super Bowl they were in Miami and it was my senior year of high school. Now, they're in Miami and it's my senior year of college. They know they owe me another victory to help me celebrate the completion of an intense college career.

Come on Peyton! Come on Pierre! Come on Dwight! Come on Austin, Dallas, Reggie, Jeff, Robert, Melvin, Antoine, Pat, Joseph, Donald, and Powers! I love you guys - no matter what the outcome. But I'll love you extra if you win for me! :D

Ok. Time to Blog...

It's been awhile so I really need to update everyone on what's been going on lately.

First of all, after working out pretty much everyday for a month, I have gained weight! How is that possible? It is quite annoying to be completely honest. I've heard the cliche "it's because you're gaining muscle." Well that's wonderful, but I want the number on the scale to go DOWN, not up. I don't want to prefice questions about my weight with "well I have alot of muscle." No one cares about that. They care about the number. AND I WANT THE NUMBER DOWN!

Anyway, moving on. . .school started but I have not. Why am I putting it off again? I don't know. I just can't bring myself to break open those books and get after it again. Senioritis is definitely beginning to set in. And yes, I am a senior. After a quick summer semester at ASU, I should complete my final classes at SAGU in the fall and GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE! Am I the only one totally excited about this? I think right now, the answer would be yes. But everyone else should jump on the excitement train soon. :D Just a suggestion.

As far as what I want to do after college, the idea of certifying and becoming a high school English teacher is becoming more and more a reality. For all of you who think I'm crazy, I agree. Haha. But I love high school! I love everything about it. I don't know why. I'm just special in that way. I think I would be much too harsh on small children, so I will do my best to avoid them in an attempt to keep therapy at a minimum.

(Note: I am NOT harsh to Grayson and Ellie for all of you momentarily concerned. But I'm not harsh on them because I don't have to correct their grammar or grade their papers. . .teach them how to read. This is where I would probably get pretty intense. Please don't freak out. I love those kids! Too much at times.)

Plus I am almost done with the rewrite of the book I started at Master's Commission. One of my teachers is super excited about it and has been extremely helpful in giving me advice about pursuing the publishment (is that a word?) of it. She asked to read some of it today. AHHHH! I'm a little panicky about sending her some, but I suppose it'll be good for me. . .right?

Okay, so this wasn't really a quick update; it was a long update. But everything I said was really important. Haha. At least I think so. Until another time. . .

(PS I totally posted in this ice blue color because there is snow on the ground. . .again! 3 times in one year! That's more than I've seen in my whole life. Haha)

Who had to go to the next loop on their belt??

I DID! I DID! I DID!

Wow only a week and I'm already having to tighten my belt? That's super exciting. I'm also really excited that Bible Study has been moved to Thursday nights because last night Rhonda, Mom and I went to Zumba class. It was a blast! I think I found my new Tuesday night activity. :D Man, at this rate I'll be emaciated by the time the wedding rolls around. Okay, that is highly unlikely....but I should be looking extra good. Hooray! I'm hoping to go to Water Aerobics tonight. I'm like an exercise addict.

Revenge Weight Loss Anyone?

Not like anyone reads this anyway, but I'll post for my own satisfaction. As of today, I have officially finished 1 week of daily exercise consisting of at least 30 minutes. Why the sudden influx of healthy choices you ask? No it's not just a New Year's Resolution. It's something I've been wanting to do since I came home from Europe. Things just didn't work out until now. Aside from that, however, is the plan and simple fact: revenge! (Thanks Rhonda for coining that phrase for me.) An old friend from Master's texted me about 2 weeks ago and requested that I be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I'll give you three guesses as to some of the other guests. Yes, none other than the backstabbers. The wedding is 2 months away, so I have quite a bit of work to do. The thighs were initially screaming, but have now been drown out by the screams of the abs. But the motivation is extreme so it has yet to be a struggle to go. Who's gonna be looking hott and making people regret their idiot mistakes??? Oooo! Ooooo! Pick me! Pick me! I will! I will! Hah. Sometimes "revenge" is oh so sweet.

Advice I've received so far: 1) Get a date. Pay someone if you have to. Make sure you're not alone. 2) If the weight loss doesn't work out, go to Dillards and invest in some Spanx. 3) Kill them with kindness.

All sound advice I'd say. I went to Abilene to get my dress and they didn't have my size so I had to order it. It's not supposed to be in until February 22nd. The wedding is the 27th. Here's hoping major alterations are NOT needed! Anyway, exercise is fun. Looking foward to Zumba class tomorrow. Hopefully posts of extreme progress will follow....