Blog Lull

Oh dearest blog, how I miss thee! How I long to pour my thoughts out into you!!! Yet, the time is not right. Life does not allow my joy or my sorrow to be expressed in a realm where the world can notice. Instead, emotion is poured out in the shower or car as music drowns out the noise of expression. I long to share how I feel with you, precious blog. But my hands are tied. Suffice it to say that I am moving forward. I am moving on with life - growing up, if you will. Not necessarily something I planned or expected, but generally welcomed as time goes by. New things are coming in, old things are fading out. Some things that are welcomed, both in arrival and departure; others, not so much. However, I am leaning on the one who promises favor. FAVOR!The word seems foreign at times. It's unfamiliarity looms overhead. It's an interesting word. Mull it over in your mouth for a while. You'll find it new with every movement. Oh blog, I will return to you someday...someday soon I hope.

"I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you, bring you home to the place form which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it." -Jeremiah 29:14

Thaw The Ice

It's freezing outside. Literally. Temperatures are hovering steadily below 32 degrees F. The whole world is covered in a blanket of white. At first glance, it appears to be a beautiful bed of snow. However, upon further investigation, one realizes that everything is covered in ice - cold, hard, unforgiving ice. Despite its similar beauty, it is a poor substitute for the other. It is but a slight shadow of the reality. Am I speaking to my soul right now?

I've been in a comtemplative mood for awhile now. It's not just the weather. Clearly something is different because I write the word 'I' in reference to myself, something I almost NEVER do! I cut my hair today, got bangs. For the first time in my life, I look popular. I have popular friends now too - real ones that actually know my name and don't just want to cheat off me. I wonder if the hair will change me. I've changed alot lately. I'm much nicer now and genreally more calm. But I find myself wondering...

Is this the shadow of reality or the blanket of snow? Was the horrendous person I used to be the layers of ice attempting to masquerade as something beautiful? I think the latter is true. I feel as if that horrible ice is finally beginning to melt away. Perhaps I am finally becoming myself again. If only it could be so! How marvelous would that be! It comes slowly and some days are frozen, but the gnawing chill of desperationg grows faint as I live to make myself happy and not for the approval of morons. My soul is quiet most nights and my eyes glow with mischief once again. My heart beats fast in the face of injustice and breaks at the sight of misfortune. It's time to unlock the chains and free my heart; time to once again be driven by compassion and love! Time to once again be myself - the sweet, adorable, strange little girl that I am!

Princess of Worry

So I went to see a movie with my mom tonight and it invoked some interesting ideas within my mind. The movie: How Do You Know starring the lovely Reese Witherspoon. Now before you go considering that I am going to go on some strange stereotypical rant about how do you know when you're in love and other such cliche nonsense, let me say: It has absolutely nothing to do with that! Haha

The part of the movie that most appealed to my sense of wonder came in a conversation between two supporting characters, not even the main ones. A girl had just had a baby and her boyfriend was proposing to her and he called her "the princess of worry." The construction of that phrase has such an elegant sound that it immediately caught my mind's eye. Worry is so commonly construed as a negative thing. However, using words like princess somehow casts a different light on things. It's even different than being the queen of worry. Somehow "queen" makes the phrase much more harsh. Princess carries the perfect amount of innocence and grace to make the phrase quite appealing.

I think I'm a princess of worry. Now you might be wondering why on earth I would want to be considered royalty of a negative thing. If you know me, especially as of late, you are quite aware that I am a worrier! I worry about everybody, even those who don't give a hoot about me. As previous posts suggest, there have been times when I have wished that I could quite worrying about such people. But I cannot. I have often thought of it as my cross to bear so to speak. Yet now, I am thinking that I am just a princess of worry because in the words of Al (the boyfriend) "it's just becasue I have such a big heart."

Maybe this is just more prevalent because I have new friends who understand the completeness of my worrying skills. (Yes skills!) Even today I realized that I have subconsciously been worrying for like a week about one of my friends. (Secretly, I think he's mad at me because I accidently lied to him. Yes it was an accident. It's a complicated story for another time. Anyway...) I haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks. It's been somewhat surreal. Well today he posted on facebook that he was going on a roadtrip and suddenly I felt like this giant weight had been lifted off of me. I know that may seem stupid because technically he still hasn't talked to me and may very well still be mad. But, I know that he's okay. He's doing something fun and he's okay. Thus I do not have to worry because I know that, at least he is safe.

So I don't know. Maybe this means nothing to you and you feel like you've wasted a good 5 minutes of your life reading this post. But to me, it meant soemthing, and I just thought I would share. Personally, I'd rather be considered a "princess of worry" thana "worry wart."

Completion!

I am having trouble finding words to describe the ecstasy that I am currently fulled with. The sheer joy of finally accomplishing a seemingly impossible goal! AND accomplishing it one whole day early! No late night panicking or cramming or throwing something together last minute. I have just submitted my FINAL assignment for my FINAL class for my FINAL semester as a college student! In less than 72 hours I will be a college graduate, complete with degree!

Everything got real as I clicked Submit on that assignment. I have a whole entire day tomorrow to relax and just be "done." Finally after 4 and a half years I am finished with something great that I had to work hard for. All those feelings of wishing that I could skip this time in my life have melted away. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world.

Tears swell in my eyes as I savor my sense of accomplishment. This task was by no means easy and I DID IT! I FREAKING DID IT! There has already been a celebatory 13-year-old squeal and dance around the living room. However, I am sure before 6:30 Friday night, there will be several more. I will no doubt perform this dance with all of my friends and family over the next several days. And it will be a sweet sweet dance every time it is performed.

To every single person out there that has every supported me or even believed in me for half a second - THANK YOU! To every person who ever challenged me and pushed me to be better - THANK YOU! And to every person who thought I was a failure and would never amount to anything - THANK YOU! How's it feel to eat your words??? I feel a bit like Terrell Owens here but your lack of confidence in my abilities has spurred me on to GREATNESS! So thanks for that!

Hallelujah Praise the Lord of Hosts! You have brought me through the fire and I SURVIVED! Now I will follow you forward into the awesomeness that you have planned for me. I cannot wait to go on this adventure. So this is what it feels like to excited about life again? I had almost forgotten...

Close the Windows!

Poem written for my Creative Writing class. Have I mentioned that I adore that class?

Close the Windows

Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
of destruction in my life.
It's carrying away
my hopes,
my dreams,
my goals.
The world teases me.
It lets me play
with what I want,
but never lets me keep it.
There are students
that I teach and encourage,
but they are not my students.
I am not their teacher.
I am only the aide.
There are babies
that I love and care for,
but they do not belong to me.
I am only the nanny,
a faint substitute for mom.
There are stories
that I write and am proud of,
but I am no author,
simply a dreamer.

The wind carreis away my love.
I can only grasp at it
as it flies out the window.
My best friend
is a boy I love
who loves another
and will soon marry her
instead of me.
My father is sick.
He is dying.
He will never get better,
only worse,
until he is gone forever.

Life slow down!
You pass too quickly!
I'm falling behind.
I'm spread too thin.
Seal up the windows!
Blockade the doors!
Before youth has passed me by,
before I'm old and regretful,
before my dreams are nothing but,
before it's my time to die.

I long to marry
my best friend
in a church
with my father
by my side
down the aisle.
I long for sweet baby feet
to toddle behind
calling me "mama"
as they cling to my legs.
I long for a classroom
with my name
on the door
full of young minds
ripe for molding.
I long for books
with my stories inside
with my name
on the cover
to fill the shelves
of Barnes and Noble.

I long to live life.
To enjoy it.
To make it my own.
Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
that steals my hopes,
my dreams...
my life.

My Hard Work Finally Pays Off!!!!

I am so super excited right now! Excitement almost beyond words! I just got online to check my grades and found out that my Creative Writing professor wants to publish one of my poems in SAGU's E-journal! The poem was written as an assigment in using lies (hyperbole) to express truth (how you feel). I wrote the poem after going several days with an unnoticed black eye. I am so excited that something I wrote was meaningful and inspirational to her. So much so that she wants to PUBLISH it so it can be read by OTHER PEOPLE! I am beside myself with excitment. You would think I just got something published in the New York Times. Haha. :)

So here it is: Invisible Woman

I am the invisible woman.
No one sees me.
No one hears me.
No one even knows that I'm alive.
The simple truth of the matter is
I am completely invisible.
One day I'm all smiles...
but no one smiles back.
The next day I'm glazed eyes
from a lack of sleep and tormented dreams...
but no one takes notice.
Mascara streaks stain my cheeks from endless tears,
and no one offers a tissue to wipe them away.
I sit in a stench-crammed gutter of mud with preoccupied flies,
and no one offers a hand up or a hand out.
I stand in the middle of the supermarket
and scream till my lungs bleed,
and people just walk by,
gathering their groceries and marking things off their lists.
I walk with slit wrists dripping on the sidewalk,
and people simply step around the blood.
No one sees my dirty scars.
No one hears my bloody sobs.
No one cares about my fabulous meltdown.
I tip-toe, I sprint, I shriek, I weep.
I collapse in a heap of distressed anguish.
I am unequivocally invisible.

Fun with Words

So I am totally in love with my creative writing class already. It's going to be the best class I've ever taken. We just get to play with words for like half of our assignments. It's awesome. So I'll be posting some of my favorite writing on here from time to time.

Word Pool:
Dark night dance Party
Guitar picture perfect fault
Vault waste empty
Craft modern bride monster
Witness individual revolt
Awkweird. Fazooly. Rabititious.
Purple freedom. Black fight.
Frozen Magenta. Sandy Farmer.
Silent listening. Blind seeing. Bland taste.
Bang clang boom click tick screech
Turn twist push pull
Separetely together nevermore.

Our Real Names:
My real name is Eowyn.
It means warrior princess, but that's not always who I am.
Yesterday my name was damsel in distress.
Today it's juste une fille.
Tomorrow it could very well be brushes with death or innocent bystander.
My ex-boyfriend calls em heartbreaker and himself heartbroken.
However, in the midst of the dance, I found just the opposite to be true.
When I was young, my mom called me inner pirate.
But my dad referred to me as unwrapped passion.
On Mondays, my name is usually pretty meltdown.
On Fridays, irrestible breakthrough.
Sunday, sweet blues.
Rarefied scars, cosmic walruses and absolute crush are all names that have graced my name tag.
I've been up all night, G-rated and lifelike all in one day.
Whether I be party, simplicity, bootleg, dad approved, German, Amish,
Random, fabulous, king or scoundrel - I remain perfect in the eyes of He who matters.