So I went to see a movie with my mom tonight and it invoked some interesting ideas within my mind. The movie: How Do You Know starring the lovely Reese Witherspoon. Now before you go considering that I am going to go on some strange stereotypical rant about how do you know when you're in love and other such cliche nonsense, let me say: It has absolutely nothing to do with that! Haha
The part of the movie that most appealed to my sense of wonder came in a conversation between two supporting characters, not even the main ones. A girl had just had a baby and her boyfriend was proposing to her and he called her "the princess of worry." The construction of that phrase has such an elegant sound that it immediately caught my mind's eye. Worry is so commonly construed as a negative thing. However, using words like princess somehow casts a different light on things. It's even different than being the queen of worry. Somehow "queen" makes the phrase much more harsh. Princess carries the perfect amount of innocence and grace to make the phrase quite appealing.
I think I'm a princess of worry. Now you might be wondering why on earth I would want to be considered royalty of a negative thing. If you know me, especially as of late, you are quite aware that I am a worrier! I worry about everybody, even those who don't give a hoot about me. As previous posts suggest, there have been times when I have wished that I could quite worrying about such people. But I cannot. I have often thought of it as my cross to bear so to speak. Yet now, I am thinking that I am just a princess of worry because in the words of Al (the boyfriend) "it's just becasue I have such a big heart."
Maybe this is just more prevalent because I have new friends who understand the completeness of my worrying skills. (Yes skills!) Even today I realized that I have subconsciously been worrying for like a week about one of my friends. (Secretly, I think he's mad at me because I accidently lied to him. Yes it was an accident. It's a complicated story for another time. Anyway...) I haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks. It's been somewhat surreal. Well today he posted on facebook that he was going on a roadtrip and suddenly I felt like this giant weight had been lifted off of me. I know that may seem stupid because technically he still hasn't talked to me and may very well still be mad. But, I know that he's okay. He's doing something fun and he's okay. Thus I do not have to worry because I know that, at least he is safe.
So I don't know. Maybe this means nothing to you and you feel like you've wasted a good 5 minutes of your life reading this post. But to me, it meant soemthing, and I just thought I would share. Personally, I'd rather be considered a "princess of worry" thana "worry wart."
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Completion!
I am having trouble finding words to describe the ecstasy that I am currently fulled with. The sheer joy of finally accomplishing a seemingly impossible goal! AND accomplishing it one whole day early! No late night panicking or cramming or throwing something together last minute. I have just submitted my FINAL assignment for my FINAL class for my FINAL semester as a college student! In less than 72 hours I will be a college graduate, complete with degree!
Everything got real as I clicked Submit on that assignment. I have a whole entire day tomorrow to relax and just be "done." Finally after 4 and a half years I am finished with something great that I had to work hard for. All those feelings of wishing that I could skip this time in my life have melted away. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world.
Tears swell in my eyes as I savor my sense of accomplishment. This task was by no means easy and I DID IT! I FREAKING DID IT! There has already been a celebatory 13-year-old squeal and dance around the living room. However, I am sure before 6:30 Friday night, there will be several more. I will no doubt perform this dance with all of my friends and family over the next several days. And it will be a sweet sweet dance every time it is performed.
To every single person out there that has every supported me or even believed in me for half a second - THANK YOU! To every person who ever challenged me and pushed me to be better - THANK YOU! And to every person who thought I was a failure and would never amount to anything - THANK YOU! How's it feel to eat your words??? I feel a bit like Terrell Owens here but your lack of confidence in my abilities has spurred me on to GREATNESS! So thanks for that!
Hallelujah Praise the Lord of Hosts! You have brought me through the fire and I SURVIVED! Now I will follow you forward into the awesomeness that you have planned for me. I cannot wait to go on this adventure. So this is what it feels like to excited about life again? I had almost forgotten...
Everything got real as I clicked Submit on that assignment. I have a whole entire day tomorrow to relax and just be "done." Finally after 4 and a half years I am finished with something great that I had to work hard for. All those feelings of wishing that I could skip this time in my life have melted away. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world.
Tears swell in my eyes as I savor my sense of accomplishment. This task was by no means easy and I DID IT! I FREAKING DID IT! There has already been a celebatory 13-year-old squeal and dance around the living room. However, I am sure before 6:30 Friday night, there will be several more. I will no doubt perform this dance with all of my friends and family over the next several days. And it will be a sweet sweet dance every time it is performed.
To every single person out there that has every supported me or even believed in me for half a second - THANK YOU! To every person who ever challenged me and pushed me to be better - THANK YOU! And to every person who thought I was a failure and would never amount to anything - THANK YOU! How's it feel to eat your words??? I feel a bit like Terrell Owens here but your lack of confidence in my abilities has spurred me on to GREATNESS! So thanks for that!
Hallelujah Praise the Lord of Hosts! You have brought me through the fire and I SURVIVED! Now I will follow you forward into the awesomeness that you have planned for me. I cannot wait to go on this adventure. So this is what it feels like to excited about life again? I had almost forgotten...
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Close the Windows!
Poem written for my Creative Writing class. Have I mentioned that I adore that class?
Close the Windows
Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
of destruction in my life.
It's carrying away
my hopes,
my dreams,
my goals.
The world teases me.
It lets me play
with what I want,
but never lets me keep it.
There are students
that I teach and encourage,
but they are not my students.
I am not their teacher.
I am only the aide.
There are babies
that I love and care for,
but they do not belong to me.
I am only the nanny,
a faint substitute for mom.
There are stories
that I write and am proud of,
but I am no author,
simply a dreamer.
The wind carreis away my love.
I can only grasp at it
as it flies out the window.
My best friend
is a boy I love
who loves another
and will soon marry her
instead of me.
My father is sick.
He is dying.
He will never get better,
only worse,
until he is gone forever.
Life slow down!
You pass too quickly!
I'm falling behind.
I'm spread too thin.
Seal up the windows!
Blockade the doors!
Before youth has passed me by,
before I'm old and regretful,
before my dreams are nothing but,
before it's my time to die.
I long to marry
my best friend
in a church
with my father
by my side
down the aisle.
I long for sweet baby feet
to toddle behind
calling me "mama"
as they cling to my legs.
I long for a classroom
with my name
on the door
full of young minds
ripe for molding.
I long for books
with my stories inside
with my name
on the cover
to fill the shelves
of Barnes and Noble.
I long to live life.
To enjoy it.
To make it my own.
Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
that steals my hopes,
my dreams...
my life.
Close the Windows
Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
of destruction in my life.
It's carrying away
my hopes,
my dreams,
my goals.
The world teases me.
It lets me play
with what I want,
but never lets me keep it.
There are students
that I teach and encourage,
but they are not my students.
I am not their teacher.
I am only the aide.
There are babies
that I love and care for,
but they do not belong to me.
I am only the nanny,
a faint substitute for mom.
There are stories
that I write and am proud of,
but I am no author,
simply a dreamer.
The wind carreis away my love.
I can only grasp at it
as it flies out the window.
My best friend
is a boy I love
who loves another
and will soon marry her
instead of me.
My father is sick.
He is dying.
He will never get better,
only worse,
until he is gone forever.
Life slow down!
You pass too quickly!
I'm falling behind.
I'm spread too thin.
Seal up the windows!
Blockade the doors!
Before youth has passed me by,
before I'm old and regretful,
before my dreams are nothing but,
before it's my time to die.
I long to marry
my best friend
in a church
with my father
by my side
down the aisle.
I long for sweet baby feet
to toddle behind
calling me "mama"
as they cling to my legs.
I long for a classroom
with my name
on the door
full of young minds
ripe for molding.
I long for books
with my stories inside
with my name
on the cover
to fill the shelves
of Barnes and Noble.
I long to live life.
To enjoy it.
To make it my own.
Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
that steals my hopes,
my dreams...
my life.
Friday, October 1, 2010
My Hard Work Finally Pays Off!!!!
I am so super excited right now! Excitement almost beyond words! I just got online to check my grades and found out that my Creative Writing professor wants to publish one of my poems in SAGU's E-journal! The poem was written as an assigment in using lies (hyperbole) to express truth (how you feel). I wrote the poem after going several days with an unnoticed black eye. I am so excited that something I wrote was meaningful and inspirational to her. So much so that she wants to PUBLISH it so it can be read by OTHER PEOPLE! I am beside myself with excitment. You would think I just got something published in the New York Times. Haha. :)
So here it is: Invisible Woman
I am the invisible woman.
No one sees me.
No one hears me.
No one even knows that I'm alive.
The simple truth of the matter is
I am completely invisible.
One day I'm all smiles...
but no one smiles back.
The next day I'm glazed eyes
from a lack of sleep and tormented dreams...
but no one takes notice.
Mascara streaks stain my cheeks from endless tears,
and no one offers a tissue to wipe them away.
I sit in a stench-crammed gutter of mud with preoccupied flies,
and no one offers a hand up or a hand out.
I stand in the middle of the supermarket
and scream till my lungs bleed,
and people just walk by,
gathering their groceries and marking things off their lists.
I walk with slit wrists dripping on the sidewalk,
and people simply step around the blood.
No one sees my dirty scars.
No one hears my bloody sobs.
No one cares about my fabulous meltdown.
I tip-toe, I sprint, I shriek, I weep.
I collapse in a heap of distressed anguish.
I am unequivocally invisible.
So here it is: Invisible Woman
I am the invisible woman.
No one sees me.
No one hears me.
No one even knows that I'm alive.
The simple truth of the matter is
I am completely invisible.
One day I'm all smiles...
but no one smiles back.
The next day I'm glazed eyes
from a lack of sleep and tormented dreams...
but no one takes notice.
Mascara streaks stain my cheeks from endless tears,
and no one offers a tissue to wipe them away.
I sit in a stench-crammed gutter of mud with preoccupied flies,
and no one offers a hand up or a hand out.
I stand in the middle of the supermarket
and scream till my lungs bleed,
and people just walk by,
gathering their groceries and marking things off their lists.
I walk with slit wrists dripping on the sidewalk,
and people simply step around the blood.
No one sees my dirty scars.
No one hears my bloody sobs.
No one cares about my fabulous meltdown.
I tip-toe, I sprint, I shriek, I weep.
I collapse in a heap of distressed anguish.
I am unequivocally invisible.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Fun with Words
So I am totally in love with my creative writing class already. It's going to be the best class I've ever taken. We just get to play with words for like half of our assignments. It's awesome. So I'll be posting some of my favorite writing on here from time to time.
Word Pool:
Dark night dance Party
Guitar picture perfect fault
Vault waste empty
Craft modern bride monster
Witness individual revolt
Awkweird. Fazooly. Rabititious.
Purple freedom. Black fight.
Frozen Magenta. Sandy Farmer.
Silent listening. Blind seeing. Bland taste.
Bang clang boom click tick screech
Turn twist push pull
Separetely together nevermore.
Our Real Names:
My real name is Eowyn.
It means warrior princess, but that's not always who I am.
Yesterday my name was damsel in distress.
Today it's juste une fille.
Tomorrow it could very well be brushes with death or innocent bystander.
My ex-boyfriend calls em heartbreaker and himself heartbroken.
However, in the midst of the dance, I found just the opposite to be true.
When I was young, my mom called me inner pirate.
But my dad referred to me as unwrapped passion.
On Mondays, my name is usually pretty meltdown.
On Fridays, irrestible breakthrough.
Sunday, sweet blues.
Rarefied scars, cosmic walruses and absolute crush are all names that have graced my name tag.
I've been up all night, G-rated and lifelike all in one day.
Whether I be party, simplicity, bootleg, dad approved, German, Amish,
Random, fabulous, king or scoundrel - I remain perfect in the eyes of He who matters.
Word Pool:
Dark night dance Party
Guitar picture perfect fault
Vault waste empty
Craft modern bride monster
Witness individual revolt
Awkweird. Fazooly. Rabititious.
Purple freedom. Black fight.
Frozen Magenta. Sandy Farmer.
Silent listening. Blind seeing. Bland taste.
Bang clang boom click tick screech
Turn twist push pull
Separetely together nevermore.
Our Real Names:
My real name is Eowyn.
It means warrior princess, but that's not always who I am.
Yesterday my name was damsel in distress.
Today it's juste une fille.
Tomorrow it could very well be brushes with death or innocent bystander.
My ex-boyfriend calls em heartbreaker and himself heartbroken.
However, in the midst of the dance, I found just the opposite to be true.
When I was young, my mom called me inner pirate.
But my dad referred to me as unwrapped passion.
On Mondays, my name is usually pretty meltdown.
On Fridays, irrestible breakthrough.
Sunday, sweet blues.
Rarefied scars, cosmic walruses and absolute crush are all names that have graced my name tag.
I've been up all night, G-rated and lifelike all in one day.
Whether I be party, simplicity, bootleg, dad approved, German, Amish,
Random, fabulous, king or scoundrel - I remain perfect in the eyes of He who matters.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
It's the open doors that let the demons in.
Get ready for some honesty. Pure. Brutal. Honesty.
A friend asked me today: "Why do you hurt yourself when you want to hurt someone else?" A seemingly strange question that is actually 100% legit. I do that...often. I get upset with someone and then act out in ridiculous behavior as if to test their devotion to me or something equally as stupid. It's as if I try to give them a reason to walk away and leave me, because then I know the root of their disappearance and it somehow makes it less painful. At least that's what I tell myself. Everyone knows that is a load of crap. Even as I type this I want to punch myself in the face for being so dumb. Yet, this is truth. I've done it for years, subconsciously at first and then very much consciously and planned.
It's finally come to a head and it has to stop.
So why do I do this over and over again? Simple. I am scared out of my MIND at the thought of being crushed again. I have locked my heart in a dungeon and guard it with dragons and alligator-filled moats. But there are weak places in these castle walls and when someone finds them, it is easy to get close to my heart. But as soon as someone starts getting too close, my defense mechanisms kick in and I attack, doing everything in my power to push people away from my heart's hiding place and cause such confusion that they are incapable of finding it again. It's like flipping a switch. I've clearly prayed over and over for an end to this nonsense; for help to trust and let my heart be free. And God has been silent. So today in sheer desperation I went looking for words to express my pain. And I found them. Psalms 6 in the Message:
"Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection. Can't you see I'm black-and-blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm so tired of all this - so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope. Get out of here, you Devil's crew: at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered. Cowards, my enemies disappear. Disgraced, they turn tail and run."
Let me just say that I absolutely love David and his ability to just lay it out there like it is. This is how I've been feeling for over 2 years now. "If you love me at all, get me out of here." Finally, this morning I realized that God has heard my sobs. In an attempt to put a tourniquet on the damage done to my heart last night, I stepped back and was able to identify the problem. The door to the past is not fully closed. There is a still one foot in the door that hinders its closing. Until that door is closed, those demons will continue to flood my heart and reek havoc in my soul. I know what I have to do to close that door; I've known for a long time but I am terrified to do it. The pain that will be required for me to push that door closed is almost more than I can bear to think about. I sob and shake as I write this. I have to go back to the place where the bleeding began and just let it go. I can't do it from here. I have to go back. I have to face my fears with complete abandon and honesty. It's enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and die. But I have to do it. God has said it. He has promised that He will provide me with the strength to do it, and I think He has even sent the person who will hold my hand through it. Because I can't do it alone. I will chicken out I know it.
But the task is before me and healing is on the horizon. I will NOT allow myself to push this under the rug another moment. I WILL tackle this demon and close the door. I WILL finally have peace. I will NOT allow stupid fear to rob me of God's precious love and gifts for me any longer. 2 years is by far long enough! I take comfort and courage in these words from Jahaziel found in 2 Chronicles 20:17: "You will not have to fight this battle. This is God's war, not yours. You won't have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you. Watch His saving work for you take shape. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. March out boldly tomorrow - God is with you."
A friend asked me today: "Why do you hurt yourself when you want to hurt someone else?" A seemingly strange question that is actually 100% legit. I do that...often. I get upset with someone and then act out in ridiculous behavior as if to test their devotion to me or something equally as stupid. It's as if I try to give them a reason to walk away and leave me, because then I know the root of their disappearance and it somehow makes it less painful. At least that's what I tell myself. Everyone knows that is a load of crap. Even as I type this I want to punch myself in the face for being so dumb. Yet, this is truth. I've done it for years, subconsciously at first and then very much consciously and planned.
It's finally come to a head and it has to stop.
So why do I do this over and over again? Simple. I am scared out of my MIND at the thought of being crushed again. I have locked my heart in a dungeon and guard it with dragons and alligator-filled moats. But there are weak places in these castle walls and when someone finds them, it is easy to get close to my heart. But as soon as someone starts getting too close, my defense mechanisms kick in and I attack, doing everything in my power to push people away from my heart's hiding place and cause such confusion that they are incapable of finding it again. It's like flipping a switch. I've clearly prayed over and over for an end to this nonsense; for help to trust and let my heart be free. And God has been silent. So today in sheer desperation I went looking for words to express my pain. And I found them. Psalms 6 in the Message:
"Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection. Can't you see I'm black-and-blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm so tired of all this - so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope. Get out of here, you Devil's crew: at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered. Cowards, my enemies disappear. Disgraced, they turn tail and run."
Let me just say that I absolutely love David and his ability to just lay it out there like it is. This is how I've been feeling for over 2 years now. "If you love me at all, get me out of here." Finally, this morning I realized that God has heard my sobs. In an attempt to put a tourniquet on the damage done to my heart last night, I stepped back and was able to identify the problem. The door to the past is not fully closed. There is a still one foot in the door that hinders its closing. Until that door is closed, those demons will continue to flood my heart and reek havoc in my soul. I know what I have to do to close that door; I've known for a long time but I am terrified to do it. The pain that will be required for me to push that door closed is almost more than I can bear to think about. I sob and shake as I write this. I have to go back to the place where the bleeding began and just let it go. I can't do it from here. I have to go back. I have to face my fears with complete abandon and honesty. It's enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and die. But I have to do it. God has said it. He has promised that He will provide me with the strength to do it, and I think He has even sent the person who will hold my hand through it. Because I can't do it alone. I will chicken out I know it.
But the task is before me and healing is on the horizon. I will NOT allow myself to push this under the rug another moment. I WILL tackle this demon and close the door. I WILL finally have peace. I will NOT allow stupid fear to rob me of God's precious love and gifts for me any longer. 2 years is by far long enough! I take comfort and courage in these words from Jahaziel found in 2 Chronicles 20:17: "You will not have to fight this battle. This is God's war, not yours. You won't have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you. Watch His saving work for you take shape. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. March out boldly tomorrow - God is with you."
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
It's EMPTY!
So I know I've been talking about redoing my room for quite awhile now and you are probably thinking that I was just kidding or something. But I wasn't. I am actually doing it this week. We cleared out the room today. It is completely empty. The bunny wallpaper is almost off and paint should be going on the walls starting tomorrow. I have started repainting furniture as well. I know, I KNOW - you want pictures. They are coming soon I promise! Everything is looking super awesome fabulous so far. I love it!
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