It's the open doors that let the demons in.

Get ready for some honesty. Pure. Brutal. Honesty.

A friend asked me today: "Why do you hurt yourself when you want to hurt someone else?" A seemingly strange question that is actually 100% legit. I do that...often. I get upset with someone and then act out in ridiculous behavior as if to test their devotion to me or something equally as stupid. It's as if I try to give them a reason to walk away and leave me, because then I know the root of their disappearance and it somehow makes it less painful. At least that's what I tell myself. Everyone knows that is a load of crap. Even as I type this I want to punch myself in the face for being so dumb. Yet, this is truth. I've done it for years, subconsciously at first and then very much consciously and planned.

It's finally come to a head and it has to stop.

So why do I do this over and over again? Simple. I am scared out of my MIND at the thought of being crushed again. I have locked my heart in a dungeon and guard it with dragons and alligator-filled moats. But there are weak places in these castle walls and when someone finds them, it is easy to get close to my heart. But as soon as someone starts getting too close, my defense mechanisms kick in and I attack, doing everything in my power to push people away from my heart's hiding place and cause such confusion that they are incapable of finding it again. It's like flipping a switch. I've clearly prayed over and over for an end to this nonsense; for help to trust and let my heart be free. And God has been silent. So today in sheer desperation I went looking for words to express my pain. And I found them. Psalms 6 in the Message:

"Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection. Can't you see I'm black-and-blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm so tired of all this - so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope. Get out of here, you Devil's crew: at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered. Cowards, my enemies disappear. Disgraced, they turn tail and run."

Let me just say that I absolutely love David and his ability to just lay it out there like it is. This is how I've been feeling for over 2 years now. "If you love me at all, get me out of here." Finally, this morning I realized that God has heard my sobs. In an attempt to put a tourniquet on the damage done to my heart last night, I stepped back and was able to identify the problem. The door to the past is not fully closed. There is a still one foot in the door that hinders its closing. Until that door is closed, those demons will continue to flood my heart and reek havoc in my soul. I know what I have to do to close that door; I've known for a long time but I am terrified to do it. The pain that will be required for me to push that door closed is almost more than I can bear to think about. I sob and shake as I write this. I have to go back to the place where the bleeding began and just let it go. I can't do it from here. I have to go back. I have to face my fears with complete abandon and honesty. It's enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and die. But I have to do it. God has said it. He has promised that He will provide me with the strength to do it, and I think He has even sent the person who will hold my hand through it. Because I can't do it alone. I will chicken out I know it.

But the task is before me and healing is on the horizon. I will NOT allow myself to push this under the rug another moment. I WILL tackle this demon and close the door. I WILL finally have peace. I will NOT allow stupid fear to rob me of God's precious love and gifts for me any longer. 2 years is by far long enough! I take comfort and courage in these words from Jahaziel found in 2 Chronicles 20:17: "You will not have to fight this battle. This is God's war, not yours. You won't have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you. Watch His saving work for you take shape. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. March out boldly tomorrow - God is with you."