Childish

Am I the only one that searches for comfort when things go crazy? Surely not. However, I may be the only one that seeks comfort within the confines of childhood. Things are crazy right now, thus I find myself searching for comfort in the things that made me happy 10 years ago. Even now, i'm eating Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch in my pjs while watching TV. Granted I'm not watching cartoons, but that's mainly because cartoons these days are terrible. I have the extreme urge to pull out my colored pencils and my Disney coloring book and color while I watch "The Little Mermaid." I also wanna bake cookies, which is usually a sign that I'm stressed out. Yes, I admit it - I'm a stress baker. So what do all these things mean? Am I depressed? Doubtful. I mean, granted it would be perfectly understandable considering the recent events. But I really don't think I am. I think I'm just in that grieving period where my soul seeks soemthing familiar to heal it. For me, that equals Barbie dolls and video games. I've always been like this. I guess I just didn't realize it recently because I was a nanny and when I wanted to play with toys all I had to do was go to work. So why am I rambling on about all this like anyone cares? I have no idea. Part of the therapy perhaps? Probably so. Now I'm going to go. I have a date with Mr. Walt Disney! :)

Too Much?

Is it possible to love too much? To care too deeply? To agonize over someone else's pain? If so, I think I have reached that threshold. Someone very dear to me needs money to take care of something that is causing physical pain. And to be perfectly honest, there is no money. No matter which way I crunch the numbers on the calculator, the answer is still the same - insufficient. Thus, I find myself crying in the shower while feverishly scribbling money making schemes on the walls. There is an envelope with more than half the amount needed stashed in my room that I have been saving since graduation for that blissful event known as my wedding. However, tonight I quicky pulled the envelope out of my stash and placed it where it could be found and hopefully accepted. Is it strange that I would so easily give up such a great sum that means something so important to me just to see the one I love made whole again? I'd give everything I had honestly. Even as I write this I am seeing the prophetic ties between my situation and that of the Father. I'm sure it wasn't easy for God to give up his one and only Son for a sinful world full of people who constantly reject Him and blame Him for struggles and strife that they ultimately bring upon themselves. Yet, He graciously extends his hand to us. He slips a simple offering beneath a pillow that we might stumble across it and hopefully accept the gift. I feel like the Lord is desperately trying to teach me something in the area of giving and I cannot figure out what it is. All I know is that more and more often, I feel the quickening of the Holy Spirit to give something. I literally gave $5 to a man in the Wal-Mart parking lot who said he was trying to by a bus ticket back to San Antonio. I have never done that before. I hesitate to give and then instantly feel convicted by the Holy Spirit. I'm not sure if I'm getting it right or not, but I'm giving it my best shot and that's really all we can do in those situations....right? I feel like I need to do more, but I'm not sure how much more I can do. My money disappears quickly these days with bills and trips and the like.But the words of Pastor Dave keep ringing in my head: "You are blessed with more so you can give more." In regards to the current situation, all I can ask is for God to provide. Sun stand still!

Spring Break

Spring Break was GLORIOUS! I spent 3 days doing nothing but sitting on my booty and playing video games. Then I went on a missions trip help rebuild an orphanage in Fairfield. It was so fun! Hard work but super fun. I made some amazing new friends - 5 in particular that I can't wait to go see next time I'm around Dallas. It was awesome to be called by name and to be talked to every morning. These people were so nice and so appreciative of everything that me and Mariah did. It was strange at first but oh so refreshing. I wish we could get a little more of that going on around here. It's nice to have people know you and actually care about you. I've been separated from them for like 2 days now but we are all already friends on Facebook and commenting on each other's statuses almost daily. It's amazing. maybe being involved isn't so bad after all. Maybe I needed this to help remind me of the things I love and need in my life. Maybe it was just nice to get away and be around people that aren't constantly screaming (aka my darling students). Who knows the reason. All I know was that it was GLORIOUS!!!

SPRING FEVER

I have the worst spring fever on the planet right now! Thank GOD Spring Break is next week because I'm not sure that I would be able to take another week without it. I am super excited to be going to Dallas to rebuild an orphanage. It's good to get back into the ministry. I have missed it greatly...oddly enough. Don't tell my MC directors. The thought of getting out in the sun and working on ssomething more important than myself is exciting again. It makes me feel alive. I'm ready for warm weather. For shorts and tanktops and baseball games. I'm ready for swimsuit tans and hours in the car for vacation. I'm excited about the summer's potential. I'm excited to be going to Las Vegas and possibly Germany, London or Disney World. More than anything I'm excited to spend time with my family and friends. Road trips are definitely on the agenda. In fact I'm thinking about taking one in a few weeks. I need to test out this new car on the highway - windows down, sun roof open, music blaring. What more could a girl need!

Summer come soon! Please come soon!

Can I Please...

...just be honest? I'm growing tired of having to live within a secret. This is a time when I should be celebrating and dancing with excitement. Instead, I am forced to keep quiet and only share my excitement with certain individuals. It is frustrating. It is irritating. And it's all because of something stupid. Something meaningless to everyone that knows and understands. But something huge to those who don't mean anything and whose opinions are non-valid and empty. Yet those non-valid empty individuals hold all the power. Thus......secrecy must be kept close. Truth must be shadowed and phrases like "it's complicated" are thrown around much to often. Please let this time come to a close, so I can just be honest with the world and revel in the praise that should be mine. I can hold out just a bit longer...only a bit though. Then I shall burst.

Blog Lull

Oh dearest blog, how I miss thee! How I long to pour my thoughts out into you!!! Yet, the time is not right. Life does not allow my joy or my sorrow to be expressed in a realm where the world can notice. Instead, emotion is poured out in the shower or car as music drowns out the noise of expression. I long to share how I feel with you, precious blog. But my hands are tied. Suffice it to say that I am moving forward. I am moving on with life - growing up, if you will. Not necessarily something I planned or expected, but generally welcomed as time goes by. New things are coming in, old things are fading out. Some things that are welcomed, both in arrival and departure; others, not so much. However, I am leaning on the one who promises favor. FAVOR!The word seems foreign at times. It's unfamiliarity looms overhead. It's an interesting word. Mull it over in your mouth for a while. You'll find it new with every movement. Oh blog, I will return to you someday...someday soon I hope.

"I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you, bring you home to the place form which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it." -Jeremiah 29:14

Thaw The Ice

It's freezing outside. Literally. Temperatures are hovering steadily below 32 degrees F. The whole world is covered in a blanket of white. At first glance, it appears to be a beautiful bed of snow. However, upon further investigation, one realizes that everything is covered in ice - cold, hard, unforgiving ice. Despite its similar beauty, it is a poor substitute for the other. It is but a slight shadow of the reality. Am I speaking to my soul right now?

I've been in a comtemplative mood for awhile now. It's not just the weather. Clearly something is different because I write the word 'I' in reference to myself, something I almost NEVER do! I cut my hair today, got bangs. For the first time in my life, I look popular. I have popular friends now too - real ones that actually know my name and don't just want to cheat off me. I wonder if the hair will change me. I've changed alot lately. I'm much nicer now and genreally more calm. But I find myself wondering...

Is this the shadow of reality or the blanket of snow? Was the horrendous person I used to be the layers of ice attempting to masquerade as something beautiful? I think the latter is true. I feel as if that horrible ice is finally beginning to melt away. Perhaps I am finally becoming myself again. If only it could be so! How marvelous would that be! It comes slowly and some days are frozen, but the gnawing chill of desperationg grows faint as I live to make myself happy and not for the approval of morons. My soul is quiet most nights and my eyes glow with mischief once again. My heart beats fast in the face of injustice and breaks at the sight of misfortune. It's time to unlock the chains and free my heart; time to once again be driven by compassion and love! Time to once again be myself - the sweet, adorable, strange little girl that I am!