Spring Break

Spring Break was GLORIOUS! I spent 3 days doing nothing but sitting on my booty and playing video games. Then I went on a missions trip help rebuild an orphanage in Fairfield. It was so fun! Hard work but super fun. I made some amazing new friends - 5 in particular that I can't wait to go see next time I'm around Dallas. It was awesome to be called by name and to be talked to every morning. These people were so nice and so appreciative of everything that me and Mariah did. It was strange at first but oh so refreshing. I wish we could get a little more of that going on around here. It's nice to have people know you and actually care about you. I've been separated from them for like 2 days now but we are all already friends on Facebook and commenting on each other's statuses almost daily. It's amazing. maybe being involved isn't so bad after all. Maybe I needed this to help remind me of the things I love and need in my life. Maybe it was just nice to get away and be around people that aren't constantly screaming (aka my darling students). Who knows the reason. All I know was that it was GLORIOUS!!!

SPRING FEVER

I have the worst spring fever on the planet right now! Thank GOD Spring Break is next week because I'm not sure that I would be able to take another week without it. I am super excited to be going to Dallas to rebuild an orphanage. It's good to get back into the ministry. I have missed it greatly...oddly enough. Don't tell my MC directors. The thought of getting out in the sun and working on ssomething more important than myself is exciting again. It makes me feel alive. I'm ready for warm weather. For shorts and tanktops and baseball games. I'm ready for swimsuit tans and hours in the car for vacation. I'm excited about the summer's potential. I'm excited to be going to Las Vegas and possibly Germany, London or Disney World. More than anything I'm excited to spend time with my family and friends. Road trips are definitely on the agenda. In fact I'm thinking about taking one in a few weeks. I need to test out this new car on the highway - windows down, sun roof open, music blaring. What more could a girl need!

Summer come soon! Please come soon!

Can I Please...

...just be honest? I'm growing tired of having to live within a secret. This is a time when I should be celebrating and dancing with excitement. Instead, I am forced to keep quiet and only share my excitement with certain individuals. It is frustrating. It is irritating. And it's all because of something stupid. Something meaningless to everyone that knows and understands. But something huge to those who don't mean anything and whose opinions are non-valid and empty. Yet those non-valid empty individuals hold all the power. Thus......secrecy must be kept close. Truth must be shadowed and phrases like "it's complicated" are thrown around much to often. Please let this time come to a close, so I can just be honest with the world and revel in the praise that should be mine. I can hold out just a bit longer...only a bit though. Then I shall burst.

Blog Lull

Oh dearest blog, how I miss thee! How I long to pour my thoughts out into you!!! Yet, the time is not right. Life does not allow my joy or my sorrow to be expressed in a realm where the world can notice. Instead, emotion is poured out in the shower or car as music drowns out the noise of expression. I long to share how I feel with you, precious blog. But my hands are tied. Suffice it to say that I am moving forward. I am moving on with life - growing up, if you will. Not necessarily something I planned or expected, but generally welcomed as time goes by. New things are coming in, old things are fading out. Some things that are welcomed, both in arrival and departure; others, not so much. However, I am leaning on the one who promises favor. FAVOR!The word seems foreign at times. It's unfamiliarity looms overhead. It's an interesting word. Mull it over in your mouth for a while. You'll find it new with every movement. Oh blog, I will return to you someday...someday soon I hope.

"I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you, bring you home to the place form which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it." -Jeremiah 29:14

Thaw The Ice

It's freezing outside. Literally. Temperatures are hovering steadily below 32 degrees F. The whole world is covered in a blanket of white. At first glance, it appears to be a beautiful bed of snow. However, upon further investigation, one realizes that everything is covered in ice - cold, hard, unforgiving ice. Despite its similar beauty, it is a poor substitute for the other. It is but a slight shadow of the reality. Am I speaking to my soul right now?

I've been in a comtemplative mood for awhile now. It's not just the weather. Clearly something is different because I write the word 'I' in reference to myself, something I almost NEVER do! I cut my hair today, got bangs. For the first time in my life, I look popular. I have popular friends now too - real ones that actually know my name and don't just want to cheat off me. I wonder if the hair will change me. I've changed alot lately. I'm much nicer now and genreally more calm. But I find myself wondering...

Is this the shadow of reality or the blanket of snow? Was the horrendous person I used to be the layers of ice attempting to masquerade as something beautiful? I think the latter is true. I feel as if that horrible ice is finally beginning to melt away. Perhaps I am finally becoming myself again. If only it could be so! How marvelous would that be! It comes slowly and some days are frozen, but the gnawing chill of desperationg grows faint as I live to make myself happy and not for the approval of morons. My soul is quiet most nights and my eyes glow with mischief once again. My heart beats fast in the face of injustice and breaks at the sight of misfortune. It's time to unlock the chains and free my heart; time to once again be driven by compassion and love! Time to once again be myself - the sweet, adorable, strange little girl that I am!

Princess of Worry

So I went to see a movie with my mom tonight and it invoked some interesting ideas within my mind. The movie: How Do You Know starring the lovely Reese Witherspoon. Now before you go considering that I am going to go on some strange stereotypical rant about how do you know when you're in love and other such cliche nonsense, let me say: It has absolutely nothing to do with that! Haha

The part of the movie that most appealed to my sense of wonder came in a conversation between two supporting characters, not even the main ones. A girl had just had a baby and her boyfriend was proposing to her and he called her "the princess of worry." The construction of that phrase has such an elegant sound that it immediately caught my mind's eye. Worry is so commonly construed as a negative thing. However, using words like princess somehow casts a different light on things. It's even different than being the queen of worry. Somehow "queen" makes the phrase much more harsh. Princess carries the perfect amount of innocence and grace to make the phrase quite appealing.

I think I'm a princess of worry. Now you might be wondering why on earth I would want to be considered royalty of a negative thing. If you know me, especially as of late, you are quite aware that I am a worrier! I worry about everybody, even those who don't give a hoot about me. As previous posts suggest, there have been times when I have wished that I could quite worrying about such people. But I cannot. I have often thought of it as my cross to bear so to speak. Yet now, I am thinking that I am just a princess of worry because in the words of Al (the boyfriend) "it's just becasue I have such a big heart."

Maybe this is just more prevalent because I have new friends who understand the completeness of my worrying skills. (Yes skills!) Even today I realized that I have subconsciously been worrying for like a week about one of my friends. (Secretly, I think he's mad at me because I accidently lied to him. Yes it was an accident. It's a complicated story for another time. Anyway...) I haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks. It's been somewhat surreal. Well today he posted on facebook that he was going on a roadtrip and suddenly I felt like this giant weight had been lifted off of me. I know that may seem stupid because technically he still hasn't talked to me and may very well still be mad. But, I know that he's okay. He's doing something fun and he's okay. Thus I do not have to worry because I know that, at least he is safe.

So I don't know. Maybe this means nothing to you and you feel like you've wasted a good 5 minutes of your life reading this post. But to me, it meant soemthing, and I just thought I would share. Personally, I'd rather be considered a "princess of worry" thana "worry wart."

Completion!

I am having trouble finding words to describe the ecstasy that I am currently fulled with. The sheer joy of finally accomplishing a seemingly impossible goal! AND accomplishing it one whole day early! No late night panicking or cramming or throwing something together last minute. I have just submitted my FINAL assignment for my FINAL class for my FINAL semester as a college student! In less than 72 hours I will be a college graduate, complete with degree!

Everything got real as I clicked Submit on that assignment. I have a whole entire day tomorrow to relax and just be "done." Finally after 4 and a half years I am finished with something great that I had to work hard for. All those feelings of wishing that I could skip this time in my life have melted away. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world.

Tears swell in my eyes as I savor my sense of accomplishment. This task was by no means easy and I DID IT! I FREAKING DID IT! There has already been a celebatory 13-year-old squeal and dance around the living room. However, I am sure before 6:30 Friday night, there will be several more. I will no doubt perform this dance with all of my friends and family over the next several days. And it will be a sweet sweet dance every time it is performed.

To every single person out there that has every supported me or even believed in me for half a second - THANK YOU! To every person who ever challenged me and pushed me to be better - THANK YOU! And to every person who thought I was a failure and would never amount to anything - THANK YOU! How's it feel to eat your words??? I feel a bit like Terrell Owens here but your lack of confidence in my abilities has spurred me on to GREATNESS! So thanks for that!

Hallelujah Praise the Lord of Hosts! You have brought me through the fire and I SURVIVED! Now I will follow you forward into the awesomeness that you have planned for me. I cannot wait to go on this adventure. So this is what it feels like to excited about life again? I had almost forgotten...