Poem written for my Creative Writing class. Have I mentioned that I adore that class?
Close the Windows
Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
of destruction in my life.
It's carrying away
my hopes,
my dreams,
my goals.
The world teases me.
It lets me play
with what I want,
but never lets me keep it.
There are students
that I teach and encourage,
but they are not my students.
I am not their teacher.
I am only the aide.
There are babies
that I love and care for,
but they do not belong to me.
I am only the nanny,
a faint substitute for mom.
There are stories
that I write and am proud of,
but I am no author,
simply a dreamer.
The wind carreis away my love.
I can only grasp at it
as it flies out the window.
My best friend
is a boy I love
who loves another
and will soon marry her
instead of me.
My father is sick.
He is dying.
He will never get better,
only worse,
until he is gone forever.
Life slow down!
You pass too quickly!
I'm falling behind.
I'm spread too thin.
Seal up the windows!
Blockade the doors!
Before youth has passed me by,
before I'm old and regretful,
before my dreams are nothing but,
before it's my time to die.
I long to marry
my best friend
in a church
with my father
by my side
down the aisle.
I long for sweet baby feet
to toddle behind
calling me "mama"
as they cling to my legs.
I long for a classroom
with my name
on the door
full of young minds
ripe for molding.
I long for books
with my stories inside
with my name
on the cover
to fill the shelves
of Barnes and Noble.
I long to live life.
To enjoy it.
To make it my own.
Close the windows.
Lock the doors.
The wind is a tornado
that steals my hopes,
my dreams...
my life.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
My Hard Work Finally Pays Off!!!!
I am so super excited right now! Excitement almost beyond words! I just got online to check my grades and found out that my Creative Writing professor wants to publish one of my poems in SAGU's E-journal! The poem was written as an assigment in using lies (hyperbole) to express truth (how you feel). I wrote the poem after going several days with an unnoticed black eye. I am so excited that something I wrote was meaningful and inspirational to her. So much so that she wants to PUBLISH it so it can be read by OTHER PEOPLE! I am beside myself with excitment. You would think I just got something published in the New York Times. Haha. :)
So here it is: Invisible Woman
I am the invisible woman.
No one sees me.
No one hears me.
No one even knows that I'm alive.
The simple truth of the matter is
I am completely invisible.
One day I'm all smiles...
but no one smiles back.
The next day I'm glazed eyes
from a lack of sleep and tormented dreams...
but no one takes notice.
Mascara streaks stain my cheeks from endless tears,
and no one offers a tissue to wipe them away.
I sit in a stench-crammed gutter of mud with preoccupied flies,
and no one offers a hand up or a hand out.
I stand in the middle of the supermarket
and scream till my lungs bleed,
and people just walk by,
gathering their groceries and marking things off their lists.
I walk with slit wrists dripping on the sidewalk,
and people simply step around the blood.
No one sees my dirty scars.
No one hears my bloody sobs.
No one cares about my fabulous meltdown.
I tip-toe, I sprint, I shriek, I weep.
I collapse in a heap of distressed anguish.
I am unequivocally invisible.
So here it is: Invisible Woman
I am the invisible woman.
No one sees me.
No one hears me.
No one even knows that I'm alive.
The simple truth of the matter is
I am completely invisible.
One day I'm all smiles...
but no one smiles back.
The next day I'm glazed eyes
from a lack of sleep and tormented dreams...
but no one takes notice.
Mascara streaks stain my cheeks from endless tears,
and no one offers a tissue to wipe them away.
I sit in a stench-crammed gutter of mud with preoccupied flies,
and no one offers a hand up or a hand out.
I stand in the middle of the supermarket
and scream till my lungs bleed,
and people just walk by,
gathering their groceries and marking things off their lists.
I walk with slit wrists dripping on the sidewalk,
and people simply step around the blood.
No one sees my dirty scars.
No one hears my bloody sobs.
No one cares about my fabulous meltdown.
I tip-toe, I sprint, I shriek, I weep.
I collapse in a heap of distressed anguish.
I am unequivocally invisible.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Fun with Words
So I am totally in love with my creative writing class already. It's going to be the best class I've ever taken. We just get to play with words for like half of our assignments. It's awesome. So I'll be posting some of my favorite writing on here from time to time.
Word Pool:
Dark night dance Party
Guitar picture perfect fault
Vault waste empty
Craft modern bride monster
Witness individual revolt
Awkweird. Fazooly. Rabititious.
Purple freedom. Black fight.
Frozen Magenta. Sandy Farmer.
Silent listening. Blind seeing. Bland taste.
Bang clang boom click tick screech
Turn twist push pull
Separetely together nevermore.
Our Real Names:
My real name is Eowyn.
It means warrior princess, but that's not always who I am.
Yesterday my name was damsel in distress.
Today it's juste une fille.
Tomorrow it could very well be brushes with death or innocent bystander.
My ex-boyfriend calls em heartbreaker and himself heartbroken.
However, in the midst of the dance, I found just the opposite to be true.
When I was young, my mom called me inner pirate.
But my dad referred to me as unwrapped passion.
On Mondays, my name is usually pretty meltdown.
On Fridays, irrestible breakthrough.
Sunday, sweet blues.
Rarefied scars, cosmic walruses and absolute crush are all names that have graced my name tag.
I've been up all night, G-rated and lifelike all in one day.
Whether I be party, simplicity, bootleg, dad approved, German, Amish,
Random, fabulous, king or scoundrel - I remain perfect in the eyes of He who matters.
Word Pool:
Dark night dance Party
Guitar picture perfect fault
Vault waste empty
Craft modern bride monster
Witness individual revolt
Awkweird. Fazooly. Rabititious.
Purple freedom. Black fight.
Frozen Magenta. Sandy Farmer.
Silent listening. Blind seeing. Bland taste.
Bang clang boom click tick screech
Turn twist push pull
Separetely together nevermore.
Our Real Names:
My real name is Eowyn.
It means warrior princess, but that's not always who I am.
Yesterday my name was damsel in distress.
Today it's juste une fille.
Tomorrow it could very well be brushes with death or innocent bystander.
My ex-boyfriend calls em heartbreaker and himself heartbroken.
However, in the midst of the dance, I found just the opposite to be true.
When I was young, my mom called me inner pirate.
But my dad referred to me as unwrapped passion.
On Mondays, my name is usually pretty meltdown.
On Fridays, irrestible breakthrough.
Sunday, sweet blues.
Rarefied scars, cosmic walruses and absolute crush are all names that have graced my name tag.
I've been up all night, G-rated and lifelike all in one day.
Whether I be party, simplicity, bootleg, dad approved, German, Amish,
Random, fabulous, king or scoundrel - I remain perfect in the eyes of He who matters.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
It's the open doors that let the demons in.
Get ready for some honesty. Pure. Brutal. Honesty.
A friend asked me today: "Why do you hurt yourself when you want to hurt someone else?" A seemingly strange question that is actually 100% legit. I do that...often. I get upset with someone and then act out in ridiculous behavior as if to test their devotion to me or something equally as stupid. It's as if I try to give them a reason to walk away and leave me, because then I know the root of their disappearance and it somehow makes it less painful. At least that's what I tell myself. Everyone knows that is a load of crap. Even as I type this I want to punch myself in the face for being so dumb. Yet, this is truth. I've done it for years, subconsciously at first and then very much consciously and planned.
It's finally come to a head and it has to stop.
So why do I do this over and over again? Simple. I am scared out of my MIND at the thought of being crushed again. I have locked my heart in a dungeon and guard it with dragons and alligator-filled moats. But there are weak places in these castle walls and when someone finds them, it is easy to get close to my heart. But as soon as someone starts getting too close, my defense mechanisms kick in and I attack, doing everything in my power to push people away from my heart's hiding place and cause such confusion that they are incapable of finding it again. It's like flipping a switch. I've clearly prayed over and over for an end to this nonsense; for help to trust and let my heart be free. And God has been silent. So today in sheer desperation I went looking for words to express my pain. And I found them. Psalms 6 in the Message:
"Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection. Can't you see I'm black-and-blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm so tired of all this - so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope. Get out of here, you Devil's crew: at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered. Cowards, my enemies disappear. Disgraced, they turn tail and run."
Let me just say that I absolutely love David and his ability to just lay it out there like it is. This is how I've been feeling for over 2 years now. "If you love me at all, get me out of here." Finally, this morning I realized that God has heard my sobs. In an attempt to put a tourniquet on the damage done to my heart last night, I stepped back and was able to identify the problem. The door to the past is not fully closed. There is a still one foot in the door that hinders its closing. Until that door is closed, those demons will continue to flood my heart and reek havoc in my soul. I know what I have to do to close that door; I've known for a long time but I am terrified to do it. The pain that will be required for me to push that door closed is almost more than I can bear to think about. I sob and shake as I write this. I have to go back to the place where the bleeding began and just let it go. I can't do it from here. I have to go back. I have to face my fears with complete abandon and honesty. It's enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and die. But I have to do it. God has said it. He has promised that He will provide me with the strength to do it, and I think He has even sent the person who will hold my hand through it. Because I can't do it alone. I will chicken out I know it.
But the task is before me and healing is on the horizon. I will NOT allow myself to push this under the rug another moment. I WILL tackle this demon and close the door. I WILL finally have peace. I will NOT allow stupid fear to rob me of God's precious love and gifts for me any longer. 2 years is by far long enough! I take comfort and courage in these words from Jahaziel found in 2 Chronicles 20:17: "You will not have to fight this battle. This is God's war, not yours. You won't have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you. Watch His saving work for you take shape. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. March out boldly tomorrow - God is with you."
A friend asked me today: "Why do you hurt yourself when you want to hurt someone else?" A seemingly strange question that is actually 100% legit. I do that...often. I get upset with someone and then act out in ridiculous behavior as if to test their devotion to me or something equally as stupid. It's as if I try to give them a reason to walk away and leave me, because then I know the root of their disappearance and it somehow makes it less painful. At least that's what I tell myself. Everyone knows that is a load of crap. Even as I type this I want to punch myself in the face for being so dumb. Yet, this is truth. I've done it for years, subconsciously at first and then very much consciously and planned.
It's finally come to a head and it has to stop.
So why do I do this over and over again? Simple. I am scared out of my MIND at the thought of being crushed again. I have locked my heart in a dungeon and guard it with dragons and alligator-filled moats. But there are weak places in these castle walls and when someone finds them, it is easy to get close to my heart. But as soon as someone starts getting too close, my defense mechanisms kick in and I attack, doing everything in my power to push people away from my heart's hiding place and cause such confusion that they are incapable of finding it again. It's like flipping a switch. I've clearly prayed over and over for an end to this nonsense; for help to trust and let my heart be free. And God has been silent. So today in sheer desperation I went looking for words to express my pain. And I found them. Psalms 6 in the Message:
"Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection. Can't you see I'm black-and-blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up? Break in, God, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb! I'm so tired of all this - so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope. Get out of here, you Devil's crew: at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered. Cowards, my enemies disappear. Disgraced, they turn tail and run."
Let me just say that I absolutely love David and his ability to just lay it out there like it is. This is how I've been feeling for over 2 years now. "If you love me at all, get me out of here." Finally, this morning I realized that God has heard my sobs. In an attempt to put a tourniquet on the damage done to my heart last night, I stepped back and was able to identify the problem. The door to the past is not fully closed. There is a still one foot in the door that hinders its closing. Until that door is closed, those demons will continue to flood my heart and reek havoc in my soul. I know what I have to do to close that door; I've known for a long time but I am terrified to do it. The pain that will be required for me to push that door closed is almost more than I can bear to think about. I sob and shake as I write this. I have to go back to the place where the bleeding began and just let it go. I can't do it from here. I have to go back. I have to face my fears with complete abandon and honesty. It's enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and die. But I have to do it. God has said it. He has promised that He will provide me with the strength to do it, and I think He has even sent the person who will hold my hand through it. Because I can't do it alone. I will chicken out I know it.
But the task is before me and healing is on the horizon. I will NOT allow myself to push this under the rug another moment. I WILL tackle this demon and close the door. I WILL finally have peace. I will NOT allow stupid fear to rob me of God's precious love and gifts for me any longer. 2 years is by far long enough! I take comfort and courage in these words from Jahaziel found in 2 Chronicles 20:17: "You will not have to fight this battle. This is God's war, not yours. You won't have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you. Watch His saving work for you take shape. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. March out boldly tomorrow - God is with you."
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
It's EMPTY!
So I know I've been talking about redoing my room for quite awhile now and you are probably thinking that I was just kidding or something. But I wasn't. I am actually doing it this week. We cleared out the room today. It is completely empty. The bunny wallpaper is almost off and paint should be going on the walls starting tomorrow. I have started repainting furniture as well. I know, I KNOW - you want pictures. They are coming soon I promise! Everything is looking super awesome fabulous so far. I love it!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Room Progess
Well the room redo has been slightly delayed due to spontaneous trips to California. (You're welcome Simon and Reagan!) So I haven't finished taking everything off the walls or moved furniture or painted anything.....or even bought paint. Haha However, I DID buy towels today! Target had wonderful towels in the perfect colors for 5 bucks! Who could resist that deal? So I went ahead and got 2 sets: one in black and one in turquoise. I can buy more later. This is just enough to get me started. Plus I got the rest of my frames. Well all but one. They were sold out of the biggest one I needed but they'll have it in stock and another sale in a week or two, so I'm not too concerned about it. The search is on for good spare sheets and curtains. I already have the bedset picked out I'm just waiting for it to possibly go on sale or for a coupon to come. Don't judge my smart shopping! I'm not a rich kid; I have to EARN my own money now. So far Target has been my best bet in things I like at a reasonable price. I'll probably end up getting most of the stuff there. What a surprise - Target is my best friend! Is there any wonder why I love Target? It never does me wrong...well sometimes it does like when it discontinues the picture of my dreams before I had 100 dollars to blow on it. But tha'ts aobut the only time it has really done me wrong. I like it better than Wal-Mart. I think it has better choices that definitely look nicer. Maybe it's just me. Anyway, I'm super excited to be moving forward with the remodel. My goal for the weekend is to finish stripping the walls and start packing stuff in boxes to temporarily move into Brian's old room. Until then...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
School's In...for Summer
One would probably think that any normal person would not be excited to attending school during the summer. But when have I ever been normal? And "normally" people get to go to school during the Fall and Spring so it's not exciting to go in the Summer. I, however, do not get this priviledge of normalicy so I'm super excited to be able to attend REAL college for once!
I am taking Fitness Walking and Human Biology with a lab. I have successfully survived my first 2 days and so far I LOVE IT! There are people...to interact with....that aren't under the age of 5! Haha. I haven't exactly made friends yet but I have met some people and had some conversations. The homework hasn't been too bad.....yet! So I'm totally loving it! Except the getting up early part. And the sitting for 2 hours during Bio lecture in the super small desk that is far from comfortable. And the annoying smarty-pants that everyone rolls their eyes at. (It's not me btw.) And the girl with the permanent stank face. But other than that, I LOVE IT! Haha.
So yeah for potential friends and possible boyfriends. :D
I am taking Fitness Walking and Human Biology with a lab. I have successfully survived my first 2 days and so far I LOVE IT! There are people...to interact with....that aren't under the age of 5! Haha. I haven't exactly made friends yet but I have met some people and had some conversations. The homework hasn't been too bad.....yet! So I'm totally loving it! Except the getting up early part. And the sitting for 2 hours during Bio lecture in the super small desk that is far from comfortable. And the annoying smarty-pants that everyone rolls their eyes at. (It's not me btw.) And the girl with the permanent stank face. But other than that, I LOVE IT! Haha.
So yeah for potential friends and possible boyfriends. :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
