Sweet Jesus...

Fasten your spiritual seatbelts, it's going to be a ride! Here we go...

So lately I've been wrestling with the Lord over some issues. Our current bible study seemed to bring more fear and condemnation than holy encouragement. I've been afraid that God is terribly angry and disappointed with me. If you know me at all, you know that I do not do well with those feelings. When I feel like I have let someone down, my initial reaction is to straight run the other direction so as to not further disapppoint. This is where I have been standing with God for the past 2 weeks; slowly stepping backward with hesitant eyes and a weary heart, though I know I should run into his arms, not away from them. So I have been stuck in a ongoing battle over which way to run.

I have been discussing these emotions with a friend of mine and they have done their best to provide encouragement for me to NOT RUN! I've done everything to convince my friend that it's better for me to run because then I'm not a failure. My friend has had the same consistent answer "pray about it." Tonight, it finally came to a head when I stated that I feel like God has nothing to say to me. I expressed the feeling that God now hates me, despite His obvious displays of love in the past. I felt like He was angry and therefore leaving me with no answer. I told my friend that all I wanted was an expression of love from God so I would know that He hadn't forgotten me. My friend encouraged me to "press in deeper." So I did.

I decided to find a verse to try and express my feeling to put as my facebook status. So I went to biblegateway.com and typed 'love' in the search box. As I was scrolling down the typical verses, I began to think it was hopeless. And then I stumbled upon Jeremiah 2:25.

Jeremiah 2:25 (NIV): Do not run until your feet are bare and your throat is dry. But you said 'It's no use! I love foreign gods and I must go after them.'

Wow. The first part of the verse is what really struck me. After I express a deep desire to run away from God, I find this straight instruction to not do that. So I asked my friend if they were praying and they said "yeah I am." Thank God for friends. I think what most appeals to me about this verse is that it's not a straight command like "Don't be afraid." It's like a negotiation. It's like He is simply telling me to give Him a chance. Don't run yet. Don't run until my feet are bare from pursuing Him and my throat dry from calling out to Him. I'm getting misty-eyed all over just thinking about it. And when I think back on my life, God has never left me so desperate. He has never left me with bare feet and a dry throat. I always have strength to struggle onward a little longer even when I think I've reached my breaking point. And He miraculously always comes to my rescue before I collapse. The second part of the verse applies too because He calls me to be patient and I try to make excuses. For the past 2 weeks, I've been trying to convince God of how big of a screw-up I am like He'll decide I'm not worth being used and remove His hand from my life. First of all, He knows how a big of a screw-up I am and doesn't need me to tell Him. Second of all, my weaknesses only make Him love me more, so it's really futile to try to make excuses.

So in case that wasn't awesome enough on it's own, I decided to take Beth Moore and Kay Arthur's advice and dig deeper into the word. So I looked up the same verse in The Message.

Jeremiah 2:25 (The Message): Slow down. Take a deep breath. What's the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway? But you say, 'I can't help it. I'm addicted to alien gods. I can't quit.'

Wow! Really? Can the same verse in another version really appeal to a completely separate issue in my life? Apparently. I've been quite impatient with God for answers and solutions to issues that plague me. And here are some direct instructions to just chill. What's even more amazing is that when people tell me to do this, my response is consistently "I can't help it." Oh geez. The Lord clearly knows what I am feeling and going through and wants me to just be patient and give Him a chance to show why He is the Lord of Hosts.

It can't get any better right? Wrong! God proceeded to encourage me to continue in the pursuit of my dreams. It started by my statement: It kills me to put love and effort into something and then watch it get ruined through no fault of my own. This was in reference to my desire to be as far away from ministry as possible because my passion got smashed when I was in it before. My friend's response: Well you have to realize it makes you stronger in the long run. To which I sharply responsed: I haven't received that strength yet. And then it hit me - I don't have that strength yet because I don't need it yet. However, I just finished the rewrite of the book that I started in Master's Commission. I want to send it to a publisher, but I've been dragging my feet in the process. And through this conversation, it dawned on me that I'm hesitant to take that final step because I'm scared of the rejection of something I have worked so passionately on for the past 2 years of my life. Dreams of epic proportions are wrapped up in that small piece of literature. I'm not sure I can handle the possible rejection that might come from putting it out there in the public eye. But, God will give me the strength to stand up under that weight because of the trials surrounding my passion and devotion of the past.

So it's been a pretty epic and amazing night. And it didn't even have to come on a women's retreat or through puddles of tears. Just through some simple facebook chat with a good friend. Every time I think I have God figured out, He changes things up on me. I love it! It keeps me intrigued, because everyone knows that when I start to figure things out, I start to get bored. Oh how He loves ME!

Final thought: My friend said, "If your walk ever slows to a tip-toe, then you need something to change." I responded, "If I'm walking at all, I need something to change. I'm much better at a sprint...and I haven't sprinted in a loooong time."

Update on the Weekend

First of all, let me just say that oatmeal-covered babies are the sweetest as they think they really did a magnificent job with that spoon you gave them. And they don't understand why you don't want their oatmeal hugs and sticky kisses until they've been dipped in the bathtub. So precious!

Anyway, for those of you keeping up, you know that my friend Brittany's wedding was this weekend and I was somewhat apprehensive about it. Well after the bachelorette party last weekend, I was a little more relaxed. The wedding was wonderful! None of the stupid idiots I was expecting to have to put up with even showed their ugly faces. :D You can imagine my delight. Plus, I was paired with an incredibly sweet groomsman. He made sure I was taken care of the entire time. At the rehearsal dinner, he brought me my drink and got me refills and gave me his seat when some people were sitting around talking and I wanted to join the conversation. After the wedding, he took my arm and introduced me to all his friends. He made sure I had something to drink and brought me some cake. He danced with me and kept an eye on me to make sure that I wasn't standing awkwardly by myself. He let me wear his coat and even tied my shoes for me! AND he asked if I needed him to hold my hair back when I got sick and threw up. Personally, I think that's going above and beyond the duties of a groomsman. (And yes, I did throw up. I hadn't eaten anything but candy and cake since breakfast. Mix that with a rainbow of emotion and you have a recipe for an upset stomach. So I threw up in the alley behind the theatre. Haha, typical me - I know.)

So to sum it up, I had a blast and made tons of new friends. They're already asking when I'm coming back. I think it would be safe to say that I will be frequenting the Dallas/Fort Worth area in the future. And as far as the whole revenge weight loss thing goes, let me just say: I looked stunning (if I do say so myself)! I don't have any pictures yet, but when I do, I'll be sure and post them.

Final thoughts: Clearly God loves me as He took a situation I was totally frantic about and turned it into an amazing evening where I made tons of new friends - something I've been begging for for months! Oh how He loves us! :D

Epiphany

Ok. So by now all of you know of my amazing moment at the Women's Retreat last fall where the Lord invited me to "Come to me and let's fall in love all over again." The message was deep and dear to my heart. Yet, I find myself still standing there staring at him with his hand outstretched as he waits for me to come and dance with him. Why? Because in the words of Beth Moore I am both angry and scared out of my mind. The devastation of the whole "Lincoln" saga is still causing me to be cautious. This realization comes as relationships teeter between good and bad.

So tonight at Bible Study, we listened the that song "He Loves Us." The words "He is jealous for me" have often been just cute fluff to me...that is before tonight. I began to think about a jealous person. Someone who is jealous acts like a crazy person and vies for the attention of the loved one desperately. Jealousy evokes an attitude of pride and attempts to make the person look better than their competitor. The Creator of the Universe is jealous for me? Well no wonder my relationships are trapped on a rollercoaster. Everytime I hit a low spot I hear His words gently Come to me and let's fall in love all over again. And then there's a high but I can still hear His words on the wind. And then a whisper again as the low comes. Sometimes I wish He would just scream instead of gently tucking at my heartstrings. I think it would be less painful.

His jealousy for me is everywhere. His romantic gestures fly in my face as I wander through life wondering when I'll find someone to love me. Am I retarded? There is NO reason to play "hard-to-get" with the Lord of Hosts! He has blatantly expressed His deep intense love for me and still I stand here drooling on myself and hestitating! My soul screams at me: CUT AND RUN! DIVE HEAD FIRST INTO HIS MERCY AND LOVE FOR YOU! JUST DO IT! QUIT RESISTING AND DO IT!

So tonight I took the step toward His outstretched hand. While my soul longs to just run into his open arms and dance a waltz of romance, my heart still causes my steps to be small. But even a small step is better than feet frozen in concrete. I imagine a cheesy chick flick moment to be in the near future. You know, where the woman sees the man of her dreams and walks slowly toward him before breaking into a sprint and falling into his loving arms as he spins her around. To be honest, this small step wasn't easy either. But that's what the enemy is banking on - that I won't be able to move past this devastation. But the relief and love that broke even at this small step was so intense that I cannot imagine I will stay here long. I long to have my "this far" moment with God; to be able to look back and ask "How did you bring me so far?"

Just do it...deep breath and do it...

Heartbreakers

Wow...heartbreakers....straight heartbreakers. Man Colts, after all that effort and love, you're just gonna let me down like that? Not cool boys! NOT COOL!

Needless to say, I am quite depressed. Not even my darling man could lift my spirits. Though in all honesty, I'm not sure he really tried. He knew it was a difficult task and openly admitted that he could not make me feel better. But gave it an hour long shot anyway. He's a good man. You would think I just got dumped by my fiance or something. No wait...this feels worse than that. That was at least a good thing. This....I can find no good in.

I suppose I can be mature and say "there's always next year..." but I'd rather eat ice cream and find comfort in the soft cloud that is my new bed.

*sniff* Good try Colts! I still love you! *sniff*

Super Bowl XLIV

GO COLTS! I'm super syked because my team has made it to the Super Bowl. I hope we can defeat the Saints and finally give an answer for "Who dat?," you know since we apparently can't count the Dallas Cowboys and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

I'm sure my boys can pull it off for me again. Conditions are perfect for a superstitious victory. The last time the Colts won the Super Bowl they were in Miami and it was my senior year of high school. Now, they're in Miami and it's my senior year of college. They know they owe me another victory to help me celebrate the completion of an intense college career.

Come on Peyton! Come on Pierre! Come on Dwight! Come on Austin, Dallas, Reggie, Jeff, Robert, Melvin, Antoine, Pat, Joseph, Donald, and Powers! I love you guys - no matter what the outcome. But I'll love you extra if you win for me! :D

Ok. Time to Blog...

It's been awhile so I really need to update everyone on what's been going on lately.

First of all, after working out pretty much everyday for a month, I have gained weight! How is that possible? It is quite annoying to be completely honest. I've heard the cliche "it's because you're gaining muscle." Well that's wonderful, but I want the number on the scale to go DOWN, not up. I don't want to prefice questions about my weight with "well I have alot of muscle." No one cares about that. They care about the number. AND I WANT THE NUMBER DOWN!

Anyway, moving on. . .school started but I have not. Why am I putting it off again? I don't know. I just can't bring myself to break open those books and get after it again. Senioritis is definitely beginning to set in. And yes, I am a senior. After a quick summer semester at ASU, I should complete my final classes at SAGU in the fall and GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE! Am I the only one totally excited about this? I think right now, the answer would be yes. But everyone else should jump on the excitement train soon. :D Just a suggestion.

As far as what I want to do after college, the idea of certifying and becoming a high school English teacher is becoming more and more a reality. For all of you who think I'm crazy, I agree. Haha. But I love high school! I love everything about it. I don't know why. I'm just special in that way. I think I would be much too harsh on small children, so I will do my best to avoid them in an attempt to keep therapy at a minimum.

(Note: I am NOT harsh to Grayson and Ellie for all of you momentarily concerned. But I'm not harsh on them because I don't have to correct their grammar or grade their papers. . .teach them how to read. This is where I would probably get pretty intense. Please don't freak out. I love those kids! Too much at times.)

Plus I am almost done with the rewrite of the book I started at Master's Commission. One of my teachers is super excited about it and has been extremely helpful in giving me advice about pursuing the publishment (is that a word?) of it. She asked to read some of it today. AHHHH! I'm a little panicky about sending her some, but I suppose it'll be good for me. . .right?

Okay, so this wasn't really a quick update; it was a long update. But everything I said was really important. Haha. At least I think so. Until another time. . .

(PS I totally posted in this ice blue color because there is snow on the ground. . .again! 3 times in one year! That's more than I've seen in my whole life. Haha)

Who had to go to the next loop on their belt??

I DID! I DID! I DID!

Wow only a week and I'm already having to tighten my belt? That's super exciting. I'm also really excited that Bible Study has been moved to Thursday nights because last night Rhonda, Mom and I went to Zumba class. It was a blast! I think I found my new Tuesday night activity. :D Man, at this rate I'll be emaciated by the time the wedding rolls around. Okay, that is highly unlikely....but I should be looking extra good. Hooray! I'm hoping to go to Water Aerobics tonight. I'm like an exercise addict.