Epiphany

Ok. So by now all of you know of my amazing moment at the Women's Retreat last fall where the Lord invited me to "Come to me and let's fall in love all over again." The message was deep and dear to my heart. Yet, I find myself still standing there staring at him with his hand outstretched as he waits for me to come and dance with him. Why? Because in the words of Beth Moore I am both angry and scared out of my mind. The devastation of the whole "Lincoln" saga is still causing me to be cautious. This realization comes as relationships teeter between good and bad.

So tonight at Bible Study, we listened the that song "He Loves Us." The words "He is jealous for me" have often been just cute fluff to me...that is before tonight. I began to think about a jealous person. Someone who is jealous acts like a crazy person and vies for the attention of the loved one desperately. Jealousy evokes an attitude of pride and attempts to make the person look better than their competitor. The Creator of the Universe is jealous for me? Well no wonder my relationships are trapped on a rollercoaster. Everytime I hit a low spot I hear His words gently Come to me and let's fall in love all over again. And then there's a high but I can still hear His words on the wind. And then a whisper again as the low comes. Sometimes I wish He would just scream instead of gently tucking at my heartstrings. I think it would be less painful.

His jealousy for me is everywhere. His romantic gestures fly in my face as I wander through life wondering when I'll find someone to love me. Am I retarded? There is NO reason to play "hard-to-get" with the Lord of Hosts! He has blatantly expressed His deep intense love for me and still I stand here drooling on myself and hestitating! My soul screams at me: CUT AND RUN! DIVE HEAD FIRST INTO HIS MERCY AND LOVE FOR YOU! JUST DO IT! QUIT RESISTING AND DO IT!

So tonight I took the step toward His outstretched hand. While my soul longs to just run into his open arms and dance a waltz of romance, my heart still causes my steps to be small. But even a small step is better than feet frozen in concrete. I imagine a cheesy chick flick moment to be in the near future. You know, where the woman sees the man of her dreams and walks slowly toward him before breaking into a sprint and falling into his loving arms as he spins her around. To be honest, this small step wasn't easy either. But that's what the enemy is banking on - that I won't be able to move past this devastation. But the relief and love that broke even at this small step was so intense that I cannot imagine I will stay here long. I long to have my "this far" moment with God; to be able to look back and ask "How did you bring me so far?"

Just do it...deep breath and do it...