Let's Just Be Honest...

I struggle with my weight. Big surprise, right? Honestly what girl on this planet doesn't anymore? We're all either too fat or too skinny or too muscular. I recently did Lysa TerKeurst's Made to Crave bible study with some ladies at church. It was quite good and for some crazy reason that can only be God, I've decided to open up and let it all spill out. (Lord help me!)

I'm sure many of you reading this are thinking one of two things: "My dear you are by no means 'fat'." or "Well she could stand to lose a few pounds, but she's not so bad as she is really." If you are quite convinced that I am in fact obese, then please discontinue reading. Frankly, discontinue being my friend as well. For if anyone thinks I am in a state of pure obesity and doesn't care enough to bring it to my attention in a loving manner, then they are by no means my friend. No one needs friends like that. Anyway here's what it boils down to: as so eloquently stated by Lysa "This wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart."

While I would love to be a microscopic little thing that could get away without wearing a bra sometimes, that will never happen. Let's face it. I'm one of those curvy chicks that are finally receiving some recognition for their beauty lately. I have never been a size 2. I will never be a size 2. If I am ever a size 2, I will look deathly. That's not the issue. The issue is that when I look in a mirror at myself everyday, I am (dare I say) unequivocally unhappy with the reflection that stares back at me. Granted, I have good days like every other woman on the planet. But the majority of the time, I am disgusted. Because when I look in the mirror I don't see a few love handles and sexy curves and good birthing hips. I don't see a soft bosom for snuggling sweet babies. I see years and years of hurt and hatred and empty desire. That's what lead to this build up of fat around my body. Layers and layers of chubbiness packed on in a distinct effort to extinguish the burning pain within my heart. See if I was chubby (as I was so often described) then it made sense why boys didn't want to hang out with me, why I didn't have a date to the dance, why I didn't make the volleyball team. Simply....why I wasn't good enough. But in high school when I blossomed as all girls do and lost all that "baby" fat, the drowning hurt and sorrow that washed over my delicate frame was too much to bear. It was overwhelming. Thus, I packed back on the pounds and didn't care for it was safer within this thick exterior. In college, I once again lost weight and thought myself pretty and was once again slapped in the face by people I should never have put stock in.

Nevertheless, the pounds have returned. And to be quite honest, I absolutely abhor them! Every reflection is an intense reminder of all that I have suffered. I find it difficult to move past and be myself  and live the life I want because the remnant of the hurt remains. Am I telling you this to make you feel sorry for me? No. Am I telling you this to try and justify an unhealthy lifestyle? No. I am telling you this because I am tired of carrying around 50 pounds of hurt all the time. It's exhausting. Talk about baggage. I am not asking for contradictions to what I have said, for they will fall on deaf ears. Would I appreciate prayers and encouragement and understanding? Of course! Now as I look into the face of a new year, of a new chapter in life, I shall work to turn the page. To shed the weight that has been holding me down and robbing me of joy and my own sense of beauty and self-worth. It's going to be a rough road ahead, but you know what? I've got a great workout buddy. He's with me all the time and he loves me deeply and he understands how I feel even if I can't imagine how. And with him.......anything is possible..........and absolutely nothing is impossible either (which I feel is just as important to remember).

Dear Me...

On the Women's Retreat this year, we were all encouraged to write a letter to ourselves in the past. Here is mine.

Dear Me…

                You’re 13 now and you’re about to go through the swamp in the forest for the first time. You won’t know this of course until 12 years later when God graces you with the chance to go through it again. See in the next few years, you will lose a lot of things in the swamp – things that are beautiful and precious to you. Things like your beauty, your trust and your love. Those are only the beginning I’m sure. I've only just entered the swamp myself and haven’t uncovered all its treasures. There will be much wandering through cobwebs and skeletons that you try to shove into the already bursting closet. Think a kind of Snow-White-running-through-the-forest terror. You’ll face some of your darkest days. But listen to the ancient whispers of Sis. Farmer. They will save your life.

Don’t fret though – not every experience is bad. You’ll love and care for the first of many babies in your life – John David. He’ll break your favorite sunglasses but you’ll find a new favorite pair (which you will sit on and break yourself). But he’ll also teach you a lot about love and how to care for a baby. Quick tip – Lori is weird and cooks her rice in a bag. Just go with it and whatever you do, don’t open the bag! Trust me on this; I’m saving you some serious embarrassment. There will be times when you laugh until you literally vomit. You’ll still smile when you think about those times.

Now if I may, allow me to give you some advice if I can. If nothing else, allow me to warn you of some of the blows you are about to be dealt. There will be a Bible Quiz trip with John where you will be tempted to ask him about your beauty. I beg you with all my heart and soul – DO NOT ASK THAT QUESTION!!! His answer will crush your soul and taint your self-worth for years. His answer is misguided and inaccurate and it’s better if you never hear it. Someday a boy will tell you, “Everything about you is hot except your face. It’s so ugly.” He’s wrong. Your face is actually your best feature. Your emerald eyes and button nose will be the favorite of a very special man soon and they will be drowned in kisses. You will learn that you’re fat, your teeth are crooked, and you’ll think character shirts are cool. You’re not, braces work magic and they are not….at all! You’ll be told to settle. That’s terrible advice. Don’t take it! Your flaws will be drug out of you and thrown in your face to embarrass and humiliate you. Repeatedly. You will be given mortifying nicknames of which you’ll never know the origin. Just do your best to manage a smile and pretend it doesn’t sting. You’re tough. Later when you allow your tears to fall silently in the dark, your brain will work to twist such things into positives. Grasp hold of these necessary deceptions. That’s honestly the best advice I can give you as years later I still struggle to understand the necessity of such blatant cruelty and abuse of a young girl’s heart. For some people, you will just never be good enough. Please learn this now and don't let it plague you. You are perfect just the way you are darling. Hear me - you are just right. Stop trying to be someone else to please others. It's not worth the pain as you will never be successful. 

There will be a night when dad will drive you home from church and you will be upset. When you pull into the garage, Dad will smack you on the back out of frustration. Don’t hold it against him. Forgive him. He didn’t mean it and had a momentary lapse in judgment. Treasure your time with him. It may be short. Speaking of which, if you get a chance to visit Pawpaw’s grave, don’t be afraid to lay face down on the grass and tell him goodbye. It’s important. Jesse will always stand up for you and Brian will eventually find you less lame. Mom gets way cooler if you let her and she’ll be your best friend soon. The two of you will have the best adventures. Embrace her company and give her the opportunity to wipe your tears every once in a while. She understands more than you think. You and Brittany will go your separate ways over a tragic misunderstanding. She will hurt you, but you’ll find a new best friend. Fall and winter will be hard and lonely times. You will be sick. Grandpa will go to be with Jesus. Jesse will find love and then lose it. But keep that quiet Christmas mystery flame alive deep inside. It will come to burn brightly again. Believe it or not dearest, you will look forward to Christmas day again. Be patient.

Don’t get frustrated or discouraged with the “poems” you write behind the youth stage while running words. They’re good practice and I’m sure good things will come of them someday. Honestly…we’re still waiting for that as of 25, but who knows what’s around the corner? Faith and dreams are key. You won’t be good at Athletics. Band is more fun anyway. You will miss Senior Prom and John will never make it up to you. It’s not a big deal. Just let it go. There will be floods. Literal floods! Quit leaving your bag on the floor! You will never have a boyfriend at camp. Be grateful for this. They all turn out to be complete tool bags anyway. Don’t waste your tears or your time.

There will be boys. Oh lord, will there be boys!  You’ll make some questionable choices down the road. Some people are best avoided. If a guy named Matt contacts you on Myspace, don’t respond! He’s creepy and an enabler. Don't even go there. You’ll think you’ve found the one. You haven’t. He will betray you in the most intimate way – in the way only you understand the full burn of. But you don’t mishear God. That boy is a major part of your life as he sets in motion the events that will lead you to the man you will soon marry….I think. I hope. I pray. I wish! This man is the most amazing person you have ever met and he was created solely for you down to the way you fit in the crook of his arm. He will care for you so deeply that it will hurt at times. Precious one, hear me when I tell you that you have no clue what love is. But he will help you understand. He’ll find your love handles sexy! Not just tolerable, not just a part of you but  S E X Y! I know – he’s perfect. He even likes the gross Skittles and lets you eat all the good ones. Don’t give up on him. Trust me, you will want to at times. But he’s worth the work. You’ll mess things up and run away, but he’ll always come after you. He is sweet and kind and the biggest nerd you will ever meet! Embrace it as he’s only going to draw out your inner nerd anyway. On that note, sneak into Brian and Jesse’s room and play video games more often. You’ll wish you had better skills down the road. And quit sleeping through football games! Pay attention and learn something!

You’re a late bloomer in all regards, but it’s not so bad I promise! It keeps you young. Stay childlike. Play Barbies till you’re 16. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Dream big dreams. Don’t forget what you love. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Be loud! Be adventurous! Be creative! Protect you heart! Battle for what/who you love! And remind mom about “na’kin time” every once in a while. She might need the laugh.

Weather the storm my darling. Keep swimming through that muck. Take tantrum breaks when you feel the need to. Just don’t sit too long in the mud. It smells and there are more important things down the road. You will long for the end of this time. You’ll pray for it to flash by, and with good reason for these times are heavy and painful. But things will get better. Don’t lose hope sweet one! And on days you do, take refuge in things you love. There’s a Disney Princess coloring book that is particularly soothing. On that note, don’t be so strict – color Jasmine purple for goodness’ sakes! Have fun with it! You might not believe me, but you will survive this time. Just breathe…

Love,

Your older and wiser self

PS For the love of all things holy, STOP RUNNING AT MCDONALDS! You would think after the gash in your knee in elementary school, you would have learned your lesson. Running through McDonalds never ends well for you. If you don’t stop, you’re going to end up with a nagging knee injury that will ache when the weather changes and make you old before your time. So just knock it off!

Just like Betty....

There are so many things I want to say right now. So many thoughts I want to write down and record here. So so many thoughts that I long to tell someone. About my passion for baking. About my cookbook addiction. About my love for Paula Deen. About the first cake I ever baked on my own and the tragic beauty that it was. About my recent adventures in bread baking. About my longing for pastry school.

But these things seem stupid and petty and too little too late. So I'll keep quiet about it and hope these feelings drift away with time. Because these things aren't important right now. The time for such grandiose dreams are long gone. Now is the time to be an adult and put away dabbling in the flour until I'm a happy homemaker. Sigh........

Homemaker in Training

So recently I have taken the task of honing my happy homemaker skills. This included a project for Grayson's birthday that I discovered on Pinterest. It was a fort kit. I saw it online in April or May and thought it was such a perfect present for Grayson that I actually programmed a reminder in my phone so I wouldn't forget. Haha. It was super simple. I just sewed to fat quarters together and made a loop for the rope. Then cut out a bat symbol out of felt and glued it on. Then I sewed some loops of ribbon onto some twin sheets with buttons for easy hanging and looping. Add a couple flashlights, clamps, rope and glowsticks and you've got the perfect recipe for little boy joy. Thus Grayson's "Portable BatCave" came together. Honestly I kinda wanted to keep it for myself. :) Here's the link to the website where I got the idea: http://megandandymade.blogspot.com/2011/05/super-hero-fort-kit.html

Here are some pictures:

Loops on all the corners and in the middle of the sheet

Finished sheet

Clamps for helping hang the sheet

Drawstring bag for storing all the supplies

Tag with list of included supplies

All the goodies (the sheets are refolded nicely into the original bags
though I know they'll probably never end up back in there. haha)

Behold: Portable BatCave!!!

In the Meantime...

Life is an interesting thing. Everyone knows it's a journey, but we don't always realize that sometimes you have to drive across West Texas. For those of you who have never driven across West Texas, allow me to enlighten you: It takes FOREVER and there is absolutely NOTHING to look at it. It's just miles and miles of dirt and shrubs. It's probably similar to driving across Oklahoma or Kansas. After making this drive, I understand why pioneers suffered from prairie madness. It's enough to drive anyone crazy. 

That's the road I'm on currently. I'm just in-between cities on this long journey. I'm halfway between young adult and adult, halfway between college and married life. It's a long trip. I have to just keep on going and be patient. I'll get there soon enough.

But the drive is agonizing!!! I'm beginning to suffer from prairie madness. What do you do in the meantime? What do you do while you're waiting to arrive at the next destination of the journey? What do you do to make the time pass quicker? 

I suppose this is the time of my life when I should be settling into a career and beginning life on my own before I join to another for my happily ever after. There's only one slight problem with that....I don't want a career. I've never wanted a career. Since I was a child, I've dreamed of nothing more than being a happy homemaker, to raise a family and care for my husband. I don't want to climb the corporate ladder. The thought seems quite drab. I'm quite happy at the bottom of the totem pole because I have no intentions of staying there forever.

So this time must be when I figure out who I am in life right? Well I've already done that. I figured out who I was in the year long break I took from men while I was finding myself and waiting for Bryan to find himself so that we were two complete people instead of pieces trying to mesh together in a construction paper collage. Now we are beautiful art that compliment each other just right when hung next to the other. So I'm happy with who I am. Just not where I am.......

In the meantime....what do you do in the meantime?

Reflective Time

Bryan surprised me this weekend and came to town. Everyone was going out of town except me (I had to stay here and care for Skipper, our recovering puppy), so we got to spend the weekend alone together. Not that we haven't done that recently, but this is the first time we've spent any alone time together in San Angelo. I'm sure that doesn't seem like that big of a deal but this is the first weekend we spent in a house. Not an apartment. Not the townhouse we shared with a roommate. An actual house that we could make a mess in and be ourselves and leave dishes unwashed and coke cans on the coffee table.


Last night we went to dinner at Cheddar's and then came home and sat on the couch together. I rested my legs across his lap and watched the Olympics while he played games on his computer. When the Olympics were finally winding down for the night, I let the dog out and put him in his bed. I came back and curled onto the couch where Bryan had reclined in my absence. I leaned against him and sighed. My imagination started to run and I said "Someday we'll be in our house like this after I just put the kids to bed and I'll tell you that we need to start putting the kids Christmas presents together." I don't know why my mind went to Christmas but it did. Bryan just went with it and responded "Yeah we probably do." 


"You put together James' bike and I'll get Ariella's Barbie house."
"Oh man. I meant to get some WD40 to help with that and I forgot."
"Oh babe. You were supposed to pick that up."
"I know. I just forgot."
"Well I should have text you and reminded you. I'm sorry."
"It'll be fine. I'll get it done."
"Yeah let's get started. You know the kids will be up at 4."
"Yeah. Man tomorrow is Christmas already?"
"Haha yeah. And we have to get everything done early because you have to be at work at 3."
"Yeah."

And then he kissed my cheek and we laughed. Then we got up and started getting ready for bed, continuing our conversation about the future. Someday we'll have a nice house like this. And someday we'll be putting the kids and the dogs to bed. And someday this and that.


And we are SO READY for it! Even now I'm looking at recipes on Pinterest and dreaming about tying on my apron every night in my 1950s themed kitchen and cooking dinner. There will be a pie in the oven and my daughter will be beside me "helping." My son will be playing in the other room until I call him to help set the table. And then my husband will come home. And we'll be a family. I have an entire board on Pinterest dedicated to the decoration on my future home. I have dishes picked out and themes in mind. I have a wedding book that is beginning to take form in my mind. A scrapbook of sorts.


I'm ready for the wedding, and that week in Hawaii. I'm ready for those babies and running a home. And I'll have to run it because as much as I hate it: my husband will have to work weekends and holidays. He's going to have an important job and I have to come to terms with that. It's an odd thing for me to deal with because holidays have always been so important to me. But I know that I'll adjust to it even though there will be times when I'm frustrated and unhappy with the situation. 


Bryan made an interesting point. We're in the in-between. We're not kids, but we're not really adults yet either. We kind of are, but not real adults. We don't have jobs and house payments and a family. We're in between. And frankly......we hate it. Oh well. In the meantime, I'll prepare for the future. I'll practice being a happy homemaker. And I'll start with Grayson's birthday present.....which I'll shall post about soon. Until then.....

Guess I'll Go Home Now....

Well that was fun. And by that, I mean the 9 month adventure in Midland/Odessa. If you haven't already heard, I have resigned my position at Laredo Petroleum simply because I CANNOT find anywhere to live. At all. Period. In any way, shape or form. Prices here are outrageous!!! A tiny one bedroom apartment with no washer/dryer is running close to $1000 PLUS utilities. My boyfriend has a 2 bedroom, 2 full bathroom, wood floors with washer/dryer in Waco for like $850. I tried to buy a mobile home but there is no land to put it on.


So I shall reset and go home.


Am I happy about this? Sort of. Honestly, Midland/Odessa was not my favorite place on the earth, especially not during an oil boom. People are greedy right now because they can be. And I guess it's understandable to want to get as much money as possible before the town goes bust again. I'm not really a fan of the whole 'bust' idea either. The people I work with are great and super nice, but I don't have any friends outside of work. Or family. Or housing. So I have a job. That's it. Not really worth all the stress and loneliness that comes with. 


Do I regret being here? No way! It was a good time here. I learned a lot. I lived pretty much on my own for the first time in my life. I dabbled in the real world. And I'll be honest - it is terrifying! Definitely don't want to venture into that whole scene unprepared again. Goodness sakes! Plus I got my wonderful man out of the whole experience. And that, in and of itself, has made this whole thing 100% worth it. He's the best man I've ever had in my life! And one day (hopefully in the next year-ish) I will be his wife. And then we can venture out into the real world together. Then maybe it'll be less scary. Because then I'll at least have someone next to me in all these major life decisions that must be made. 


So my last day at this job is June 29th. My last actual day in Midland will be July 1st. Then I will take refuge in my parents' house and start again. At the beginning. Looking for a decent job. I seriously doubt that it will be anywhere near as awesome as my current job has been, but let's face it. There are more important things in life than a glorious paycheck. Security, relationships, and stability are just a few.


Here's to starting over....again.....