Living in Denial

There are things going on right now that I don't want to talk about, simply because I don't want to acknowledge that they are actually happening. I don't want to accept reality as it is at this moment. I don't want things to change. 


Can it really only be 30 days until the love of my life leaves me? Not forever mind you, but for a good year and a half at least. 30 days!!! Less actually. The lump in my throat grows and I struggle to breathe anytime we have to discuss another aspect. It feels like we're breaking up, though I know we aren't. Discussions of who gets what when the move happens don't help. 


Am I strong enough to survive this season? Is our relationship strong enough? I've been in this place before and the territory is all too familiar. I don't like the uncertainty. I don't like the distance. I don't like change! 


Things are far from in place on my side. Still no housing arrangements. Still no friends. Still no idea what I'm going to do with the hours of empty space I'll have when work ends everyday. 


I fell sick to my stomach. I want to cry. But I must be brave because I know he is suffering as well. This is not an easy time, but God is my refuge and my strength. He is my friend in times of loneliness. I can do all things through Christ!!!


Deep breaths....

Drowning in Decisions....

Sometimes life comes at you way to fast. As is the case with me currently. I've been so excited for these moments, but now I feel like I have 9000 decisions to make in the next couple of months. Most of them revolve around my living situation. I'll be honest. I WANT A HOUSE!!!


I want a place I can paint and decorate and make my own. However, I'm being told by everyone that this is a bad plan because I'm too young. Well hello people! I'm almost 25! I just feel like an apartment is a waste of money. That's $800 I might as well flush down the toilet every month.


Things would be so much easier if I had a direct game plan for the next two years. But all of that is up in the air tangled in a mess of "what ifs." What if Bryan gets a job somewhere else? What if we get married before then? What if he gets a job here? What if we aren't even together by then? What if the oil industry busts? What if? What if? What if?


I'm drowning over here. There are decisions to be made and they need to be made sooner rather than later. I'm trying to be patient and let things untangle on their own, but there is pressure from every angle.


Thankfully I have someone on my side who knows the answers to all the "what ifs." And he knows exactly what's going to happen and what I need to do in these next few months. I just need him to communicate some of that to me.......preferably soon. Haha 


Until then......I'll be treading water, trying not to drown in a sea of decisions that I simply cannot make yet.

Cue The 13-Year Old Girl Scream Dance

In 3...2...1 Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!


There are moments in your life when you know that things are gonna be different from now on. When you get your driver's license. Your 18th birthday. Graduating high school. Starting college. Finally finishing college and getting that degree. Your first REAL job.....


I have come upon that step. Today I received an offer from the company I have been temping at for the past 4 months. It's a really REALLY good offer. It's amazing actually! I'm taking the weekend to pray about it and review it, but I'm about 99.9999999999% sure that I'm going to take it.


Words cannot describe the excitement I feel right now. It's just one of those moments where you know that NOW things are going to different. I can't even describe it anymore than to say that. This opens the door to some many more opportunities. Like my own place!!! Finally I can start looking for my own place, a place to set-up home. I can't wait. I've already been looking online at places and I've found some that I really love!


It's a new time in my life and I couldn't be happier. I'm so excited that God is blessing me so abundantly. I've gotten a wonderful man, a great job and potentially a new house all in less than a year! God is such a show-off sometimes.


What's funny is that yesterday morning I lost hope that I was ever going to get an offer from this company and I began looking for other opportunities, wondering if perhaps God had something better for me and was waiting on me to go look for it. Then yesterday afternoon my boss called me into his office to inform me that my offer would be here with the morning mail. I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe that I had doubted even for a minute. It's almost as if God is currently testing me. Like "how long is she going to be patient and wait and trust me before she starts to freak out?" and then just when I hit that breaking point where I don't think I can last another second, He swoops in and gives me the answer to my prayers that I've been waiting for. It's been an interesting game between us. This patience and trust game that we've been playing since last year about this time. I must admit that it's been a good game. It's been a wonderful time of growth and excitement and new places!


So I'll keep walking His way. Notice I said walking, not running, not skipping, not rushing. Just walking on this journey of life toward the dreams of my heart! It's gonna be good!

I don't understand your ways...

Sometimes I look at God and simply want to ask "What the heck are you doing?" This is one of those times. As most of you know, I recently moved to Odessa to be with my wonderful boyfriend, Bryan, whom I love very VERY much. Well last night Bryan informed me that he will most likely be moving to Roswell, New Mexico to go to aviation school. He wants to be an air traffic controller. Personally, I think it's awesome and I support him 110%. However, school is two years in Roswell and then an undetermined amount of time in Oklahoma for a bit more training. 

So I'm looking at three years away from the man I love. This is when I look up at the sky and say "What? I don't understand what you're doing here." And that's the whole issue. That's the whole source of my insecurity right now. I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand what God is doing or why He's choosing to do it in this manner. I know I have to be patient and trusting and all that jazz, but it's hard. And frankly...I'm scared. I don't like not having a plan for the future. I don't like not knowing what to expect. I don't like change.

The other thing that's freaking me out is the simple fact that I am still a temp. I have been a temp for over four months now. I'm "patiently" waiting for my company to to decide that they can finally hire me permanently, and hoping that the pay raise is enough to cover living expenses here in Midland. See, when Bryan moves, I will be homeless. I can't afford a place of my own on my current paycheck because it is stinkin' expensive to live in Midland/Odessa. So as long as Bryan was here, it was no big deal that I was still a temp. Things were manageable. Well that is no longer the case. Needless to say, the situation is stressful. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't know anything at this point. And I don't handle not knowing well. It drives me crazy. I need a plan!!! Well I know that God has a plan. I don't know what that plan is, but I know that He has one. And I know that I have to walk patiently beside Him and not try to rush what He's doing. But I wish He would give me a little certainty that things are going to work out. I know He provides good things for His children. These are all things I know. But sometimes, I just need a little more physical confirmation. Something to help me realize that my faith is not in vain. Something to let me know that I'm going the right direction at least. Just something! Anything really! Sigh.....

I don't have any choice. I must go through this fire it seems. But it's gonna be worth it. I believe that all these tough times are gonna be worth it. I don't know how or when or why or any of the details, but it's going to be worth it all!

Drink in the goodness!!!

So this morning on the way to work I had to put on my moisterizer in the car because I was running late out of the shower this morning. I could feel my skin drink in the moisture and this thought popped into my head: "Drink in the goodness of God." It really stuck me. What if I was so thirsty for God that anytime I got one second in His presence I just drank in his goodness and mercy?

It's not that I haven't been drinking in His goodness. Believe me, I have! His goodness has been abounding lately. I just know that I have been rather stressed lately because there are a lot of uncertainties in my life right now. Like I'm still a temp at my job and I don't know when or if it will go permanent anytime soon. I could really use that permanence too because it comes with a pay raise and benefits. And Bryan is trying to decide what he wants to do and where he's going to work. Things have just been moving really quickly. I feel sometimes that I'm being swept downstream and I can't grab hold of anything to hold me back for a second.

But why would I want to hold back? I've been praying for this time forever! I've been asking God to move me to this new place in life; towards a family of my own. I guess I just thought it was a gradual process. But no. It seems as if God has decided I'm ready to go and we're going. His goodness is flowing through my life everywhere I turn. I just need to relax and drink it in. To be refreshed and renewed by His love and mercy for me. To be thankful that He has heard my prayers and the desires of my heart. To just enjoy life!

It's an exciting/scary/new place that I'm at. But God is with me and we're taking this journey together. And wherever He goes, I'm going. I just have to remember what he told me at the retreat...BE PATIENT!!! That's the hard part. Things are moving fast, but I still find myself trying to rush sometimes. Haha Is that even possible? To be swept downstream and still find yourself swimming with the current?

There is a song by Hillsong that has become my favorite lately. I listen to it every morning on my way to work. It's called "Take Heart" and the bridge is my favorite. It says:

All our troubles and all our tears
God our hope, He has overcome
All our failure and all our fear
God our love, He has overcome
All our heartache and all our pain
God our healer, He was overcome
All our burdens and all our shame
God our freedom, He has overcome
God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom, He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us, He has overcome

I love the simplicity of the message. It doesn't matter what we're going through or what we've been through or how we feel. God has overcome. He's with us and He's already overcome it all. So we can trust him. "So take heart. Let his love lead us through the night. Hold on to hope and take courage again."

Let's Play Catch-Up!

Wow. I haven't posted in this blog since September. That is ridiculous. It's a new year and a new time in my life. If you read that September post, then you already know that I have a boyfriend and a job in Odessa. Well I'm still with that boy. I'm still at that same temp job waiting for it to become permanent. And I'm still in Odessa. Haha So I guess not much has changed since September but things sure feel different.

Bryan and I celebrated our first Christmas together. It was my first Christmas to have a boyfriend ever so it was really special. He got me a really pretty cross necklace and some video games. I got hime some video games and some tools and some clothes. It was nice. Our relationship is so....magical? Is that the right word? I think so. Everything is so easy and natural with him. He strives to keep me smiling and is always so sweet. We have a lot of fun together. I love that I can just be my silly goofy self and he loves it.

But I shan't spend this entire blog bragging about my wonderful man. It's weird. I knew that I needed to blog but I opened up this post and now I can't think of anything to say. (Shocker that I can't think of anything to say, I know.) I guess I was just bored at work and thought that I could update everyone on my life. But everything seems so mundane and normal. There's no drama or disasters or aynthing. Just.....life. Simple, blissful life.

I meet Bryan's parents tonight. I'm a bit nervous but I think it will be good. They already seem so nice. It's weird to be with someone whose parents actually want to meet me and get to know me before they make a judgment about me. And they seem relatively open to invite me into the family. Yes, Bryan and I are moving toward joining our families. Slowly moving that direction, but moving nonetheless. It'll be nice to be a part of another family even though it's different from my own. (I'm struggling with recording my real, hateful thoughts about previous families. I will abstain. It's not like their behavior or my feelings about it was ever secret. No use digging it up again.) Thus, I look forward to the new adventure of meeting his parents and seeing how I fit into the mix of the Pearce world. I know it'll be quite different from my own as they are from Odessa which is a whole different world from San Angelo. But it'll be exciting. And I know that Bryan will guide me and defend me through whatever craziness comes our way. Have I mentioned that I love him? Cuz I do. A lot. A whole lot.

Well it's time to get back to work I suppose. Hopefully I'll find time to update more often. 3 months is really too long to go without posting.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

As I sit listening to my darling boyfriend play video games and smell the delicious mulled cider candle I just lit, I can't help but be reflective. Life has changed so much in the past two weeks. Change for the better. Change I've been waiting and longing for. Let's start at the beginning...

In case you didn't catch it in the opening sentence I have a boyfriend now. The infamous Bryan Pearce wandered back into my life and this time I've decided to keep him. Haha :) He is a classic nerdy gentleman who is sweet and compassionate and gentle and everything I could possibly want or need in a man. And I do use the term 'man.' He is not a boy as so many of my previous companions have been. He's the real deal. I'm a pretty big fan of him.

I am currently sitting at his house in Odessa. It's not just for a quick visit either. This is where I've come to call home (don't panic everyone! I'm staying with a family friend, not Bryan!) Two weeks ago I was still living in my parent's house wondering when life was going to start. And then out of the blue....it was going.

I have a job here now. It's temp work but hey, it's a job. It's so weird to be away from my family; to not come home and start dinner with my mom; to not fight with my brothers constantly. Last week was difficult, I'll admit. There were a LOT of tears. Homesickness was my middle name. I just didn't feel like I had a place to call my own.

This week is better. Bryan has graciously allowed me to take over his house (hence the new candle) and carry out my domestic desires. It's a win-win for him. He makes his girlfriend happy and simultaneouly gets a clean house, clean laundry and dinner every night. It's a pretty sweet gig. He lets me cook and clean. He shares his home with me so life can carry on with some sense of normality.

So I cleaned the kitchen and went grocery shopping today so I can make dinner for the two of us for the first time tomorrow night. (fingers crossed that it doesn't come out black) I enjoyed it.  It wasn't a chore. I guess somewhere in the past few weeks....I grew up. It's a strange feeling. I'm 24 now and for my birthday I got knives and kitchen towels and measuring cups and decorations for a future home. And I couldn't have been more pleased.

It's strange how you long for life to start - to have a boyfriend to love and a house to make your own and a job to pay your bills. You wait and you pray and sometimes you wonder if it'll ever happen. And then one day you wake up and you're in your boyfriend's living room with a fall-scented candle burning next to you and tears of joy in your eyes.