What Grief is Like

Last night, I had a revelation while chatting with Bryan about grief. This is how I explained what I'm feeling to him.

Imagine you have a box. In this box are several puzzles that contain each part of your life. Your personality. Your memories. Your hopes. Your dreams. Your secrets. Your fears. Anything and everything that makes up who you are.

Now imagine that someone grabs that box and turns it upside down and dumps all of the contents on the floor. Perhaps they even scatter the pieces around. Then they turn to you and say, "Clean this mess up." 

Imagine the devastation and anger and confusion that hits you while you're staring at this mess of puzzle pieces now all mixed together. And they aren't the children's sized puzzles. They're the 5000 piece puzzles. And it's not just one puzzle per life section either. The memories section alone could contain hundreds of different puzzles. Maybe even thousands. And now all of these pieces are on the floor. Mixed together. And you and you alone have to clean it up and reorganize everything.

It's not an easy task. It's frustrating sometimes. And you get mad. And you want to throw the whole thing in the trash. And you cry. And you feel hopeless. And you SWEAR there are pieces missing. Someone must have stolen them because you cannot find that certain piece anywhere. That's because honestly, some pieces are missing now. Or they've been replaced with other pieces. Your "loved" piece now reads "lonely." Your status piece reads something completely different from what it read yesterday. And you have all these new pieces you've never seen before. Pieces from someone else's puzzle. Gardner, cook, breadwinner, mechanic. Where do these pieces fit in? How are you ever going to incorporate all these new pieces into your life? And don't even ask about your relationship puzzle. All those pieces might as well be marked with question marks. Some days you get on a roll and pieces fly back together as if by magic and you think maybe you'll get through this after all. But then you realize you've put together 20 pieces today. Only 20 out of the millions that you still have to sift through. And the whole emotional roller-coaster starts over. 

Some people don't understand that it's time consuming and exhausting. They try to rush you. They try to make you feel like you should already be finished. Their pieces are all still neatly sorted in the boxes they carry. Why can't you just scoop your pieces into the box and keep going? Life goes on. Get over it. But they don't understand what it feels like. They don't understand that you're lashing out because somehow some of your fear pieces got mixed into your dreams puzzle. They don't understand that your personality puzzle adopted some pieces from your memories puzzle. They don't understand that you don't want anyone to see your secrets puzzle. Or your flaws puzzle. Or your self-conscious and insecure puzzle. Those puzzle are personal. So you struggle to keep them separate from everything else. But pieces are weaving their way into your everyday life puzzle, and suddenly you can't make decisions because your security piece is missing and you haven't been able to locate it in the piles and piles and piles of pieces of your life you are forced to sift through. So you're just smashing your nonchalant piece into that hole for now. "Whatever you want. I don't care. Just make a decision." But you do care! You care desperately. But your insecure puzzle has leaked all its stupid questioning and worrying pieces into your hopes puzzle and now you're terrified you'll make the wrong decision. 

Nothing is sure. Nothing is certain. You feel out of sorts because you are! Everything you have ever known and understood has suddenly been thrust into chaos. You're just trying to scrounge enough pieces together to function and you tell yourself you'll somehow manage to get the rest organized in what little spare time you have between work and family and life. Life that keeps chugging onward no matter what. Life that is so vastly overwhelming right now. 

The saying is true: grieving people are literally "just trying to pick up the pieces and move on."  Believe me, it's no small task. 

On Pause

There are things that need to be said. Words that need to be written. Emotions that need to be shared. But it cannot be done now. The time is not right. The wounds too fresh. The hurt still too real. Someday I will return to this blog and say what needs to be said. Reminisce and open up and share. But not today. Probably not tomorrow. Or next week or even next month. Maybe not even this year. But someday...someday my mind will free and I'll be able to release the words again.

Two Become One

This morning around 6:24, I was awake. My body does that sometimes. Especially when the night before I realize that I'm on the other side of 25 - almost 27, which probably explains the graying hair, the need for nail strengthening vitamins and the necessity of putting lotion on my feet every night just like my mother because years of barefootedness have finally caught up to me. But that is another blog for another time.

Anyway, this morning my eyes pop open and I can't seem to find my way back to sleep. Probably because I realized that on Eowyn's Life Plan, I should have just welcomed my third child and be well on my way to completing our family with a fourth in a few very short years. But once again, for another time. So usually when I can't sleep in the middle of the night, I just cuddle Bryan. I snuggle up against him and strive to match my breathing to his. I don't know if it's the slow rhythmic breathing or the intoxicating smell of my husband, but it works every time. I'm out within minutes. So this morning, I just reach a hand over to my softly sleeping husband so I can take comfort in him. (Sidenote: he always sleeps so softly. Honestly, sometimes I check to make sure he's still breathing because he's so quiet.) Then it dawns on me. This is what God intended when He said the two will become one flesh.

He intended for man and wife to be so connected that they even breathe together. (Not all the time obviously - I'm speaking metaphorically here people!) One in mind, body and soul. That's what I have with Bryan. I have absolutely no doubt that he was created with me in mind. He's absolutely perfect for me. From the way my head fits on his shoulder and the way my body fits perfectly in the crook of his arm to his mannerisms and personality. If you've ever read Hunger Games (and if you haven't you TOTALLY should), you know the relationship between Peeta and Katniss. One of my favorite parts in the whole series, is when Katniss compares herself to fire and Peeta to a dandelion. That's describes Bryan and I perfectly. I'm passionate and wild, and he is so soothing and calm. He soothes me when I'm trying to blaze out of control. I create just enough spark in him. We're balanced. 

He is literally my other half. He completes me. (Not more than Jesus, but you get what I'm saying.) When he is gone from me, I feel lost. I can't imagine never having him. He is part of me now. We are one. A unit. Connected. Forever. His heart is so intertwined with mine that if it ever leaves, it will surely ruin me.(Newlyweds...I know) This was God's intention for a husband and wife. For our hearts to be intertwined with each other, that we cannot be separated. Total and complete oneness.

Sometimes I say really weird things when I'm hugging Bryan like: "I love you so much I just want to get in you." which I admit is kind of creepy. But I mean it in a "I love you so much that I was to be as close as absolutely possible to you, even becoming one with you" way, not a Luke Skywalker inside a Tonton way - although when it's super cold I'll admit that sometimes I joke about it. Haha I'm kidding. Sort of. Back to the point. I want to be one with Bryan. I want to have the same goals and dreams as him. I want us to move and act and even breathe as one. Like I love doing things that I like and watching him do things that he likes, but I want us to be united overall. Two people that are one. If you're married, I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say. If not, well...reread this when you're married and you'll probably understand better. It's difficult to explain. 

Needless to say, I did not go back to sleep this morning. The writer's brain in me overtook everything else. All I managed was waking Bryan up before his alarm went off and this blog. Hopefully, one of them is worth it. 

The Tragedy of Robin Williams

At the risk of making the story sadder than it already is, here are my thoughts reading the recent passing of the legend that was Robin Williams.

I was floored when I saw the posts on Facebook. I honestly thought it was a hoax. But it wasn't. I am devastated, but not because another Hollywood star has burned out. But because of how he burned out. The man was comedy gold for years! He was comedian. And he took his own life because of depression (I'm assuming this is the case, even though his publicist won't admit it). We all spent years laughing at his antics. My friends and I still laugh when we quote lines from Mrs. Doubtfire. Yet, he felt so alone and lost that he took his own life.

I can't help but identify with him. During high school, I spent a lot of time laughing and making others laugh, while I was hurting on the inside. The moment the lights were off and I was alone, the tears would come out. But no one knew I was in pain. How could I be? I always seemed so happy. I was always joking around and laughing. It was a very good mask. One that Robin seemed to be wearing as well. 

I can't help but think about the sermon Andrew Youngblood preached on Sunday. To Seek and to Save the Lost. Robin was lost. He was right in front of us all the time, and yet he was lost. Somewhere along the way, things stopped being funny for him. He lost his way and got on a path that lead to his destruction. Why didn't someone invite themselves into his life? Why didn't anyone do something? Surely, someone must have noticed that something was amiss somewhere! Right??? Why didn't anyone do anything? Why did Robin feel like there was no hope? Nowhere to turn. Nothing to live for. Why? Why? Why?

The question beats in my head and my heart. Someone tweeted this about him: Genie, you're free. It's heart-wrenching. One of his most beloved characters is such a clear depiction of what his life must have become. Feeling trapped and chained by circumstances beyond his control. No place to breath, no one to share in his misery. And yes, he's free from all that now. But what unspeakable horrors will he be forced to face in the afterlife? What brief temporary relief did he receive in his last moments? Before he met the Creator. My heart is broken just thinking about it. The tragedy is that he made an eternal decision out of desperation for something more. 

I understand that Robin was a movie star and perhaps out of our reach. But what about the people around you? What about your co-workers? The single moms in your play group? Your neighbors? Your friends? The good church kids who are bleeding on the inside and laughing on the outside? Jesus came to seek and to save the lost. When He left this earth, He passed that task on to us. We've got to better people, myself included. Let's take the tragedy of Robin Williams and turn it into a lesson for all of us. Laughter is a good mask. It covers a lot of things. Let's not be so blind to let someone we love slip away again. Let's not forget our mission on this earth - to seek and to save the lost....whoever they may be and however they found themselves lost.

"Thinspiration" From a "Fat" Girl's Perspective

So I just heard this new song "All About that Bass" by Meghan Trainor. If you haven't heard it yet, you can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk . If you don't want to listen, I'll sum it up for you. Basically the girl is proud of her curves and booty. Her mama told her not to worry about her size because "boys like a little more booty to hold at night." I'm really digging this song and here's why: a) It's super catchy and b) The music video is super cute.

Bet that's not what you expected. I bet you expected me to say I liked it because FINALLY curvy girls are getting some props for being beautiful. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy that it's finally okay to have curves. But at the same time, this song saddens me because it seems to discriminate against women who don't have curves. Like why can't we all just be beautiful? Why do I get to be more beautiful because I have curves or less beautiful for the same reason? It's really rather ridiculous when you think about it.

I have several friends who are super skinny. I also have several friends who are in the middle. And I have several friends who are on the bigger side. They are all beautiful in their own ways. And the funny thing is - no matter what size you are or how good you think you look, the grass always seems greener on the other side. My skinny friends are jealous of my cleavage. I'm jealous of the fact that they can go without a bra. Seriously...they get to wear strapless dresses without suffering the horrors of trying to keep a strapless bra up. But they wish they had the cleavage popping out the top of that same strapless dress that I have. My cousin and I joke all the time about halfing my boobs with her so we could both have the "perfect" amount. (Sorry if that's TMI.)

And it doesn't just go for sizing. It goes for everything!!! We wish we had that girl's eyes, another girl's booty, another girl's legs, her lips, her nose, her hair. Prime example: my friend Brittany recently had several brain surgeries and a stroke, so her head had to be shaved. But she is TOTALLY rockin' the red pixie cut. Man I wish I could pull that off. But the irony of the fact is that she wishes she had my long ponytail. Every woman does it. 

Why can't we just be happy with what we have? I'm not saying don't appreciate the beauty of others, but don't depreciate yourself in the process. I've been doing Blogilates with Cassey Ho this year. If you haven't heard of her, go to blogilates.com and check it out. Seriously, she'll change your life. Like for real. You know why? Because she constantly reaffirms that every woman is beautiful just the way she is, but it's okay to want to change yourself for the better. It's okay to be chesty or have no chest or have a thigh gap or constantly wear tights because your thighs literally love each other so much that they try to smother each other if you don't separate them. It's okay to have some excess tummy fat that you want to lose. It's okay to want to bulk up your arms or lose that jiggle. Everything is okay because ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL IN THEIR OWN WAY!!!  Marilyn Monroe was curvy. Audrey Hepburn was skinny. I adore both of them for their uniqueness and for their just overall awesomeness!!! They are a perfect example of the simple fact that beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes. 

So while I like the song, it's frustrating at the same time. I don't want to be fat-shamed anymore than skinny girls was to be thin-shamed. Is that even a thing? I think it is. "Men love women with curves." "No one wants to cuddle a stick." It's just all so.....unnecessary. And this is coming from a girl who spent most of her life being "fat." It's not fun to be judged based on size. Let's not do it to girls who are thin, just because curves are being recognized as beautiful again. That's counterproductive. Thin girls struggle just as much as big girls. My cousin tries to gain weight all the time so she's not "too skinny" but she has this thing called a metabolism that prevents that. I try to lose weight so I'm not so "chunky" but I have this thing called a sweet tooth. I'm a baker people. And I'm proud of it. I love ice cream and cake!!! (I also like that Bryan now works for a big company so I can pass off all my treats on them. But that's another story for another time. Lol) There's nothing wrong with that. That's the way God made us. My cousin and I are from the same beginning set of genes and we couldn't be more different in size. Does that mean she's better than me or I'm better than her? No!!! She's Audrey and I'm Marilyn. And we're both pretty legit.

Let's all just rebel against the whole thing!!! Thigh gaps. Fat-shaming. Thin-shaming. The whole ridiculous nonsense. Can we do that? Can all women just agree to stop talking about this whole size issue? Then maybe it'll finally die and we can focus on more important things like family and community.

You're beautiful!!! I'm beautiful!!! We're all beautiful!!! So while I'll definitely be jamming to this song, it won't be because I think curvy girls are better than skinny girls. It'll literally be because it is just SO DARN catchy! And it makes me wanna shake my big ole booty. Haha :) 

Thank God for Weddings.

I'm sure all of you have read about my friend Brittany's brain aneurysm last weekend. She's in surgery as I write this. 2 hours into what could be a 5 hour process at the least. It's so strange that all of this happened. It was out of nowhere. I had just talked to her on Friday afternoon. She sent me a picture of her in her bridesmaid dress and she was so excited about everything that was happening and her involvement in such a new adventure for me. Needless to say, I've been pretty reflective of our friendship these last couple days. And all I can say is: thank God for weddings! Not even just because it's my own and I've found my happily ever after, but because it gave me the opportunity to reconnect with one of my best friends. Up until this point, our lives had taken a bit of a different path. She got married and started a family. I finished college and went to work. But now our life paths are starting to cross again and I'm so excited. So please...allow me to express for a few minutes. Express the beauty of an unlikely friendship...

We met my second year of Master's Commission. I had seen Brittany around a few times before this, Fine Arts and events with Dallas Master's. We were told that we wouldn't like each other, that we would never be friends. Funny how wrong people were. We quickly became best buds, almost inseparable. If she wasn't staying the night on my trundle bed, I was making a pallet on her floor. We had so many good times together. We would drive to Killeen, about a 30 minute drive, often just to eat at Rosa's. She had never had it before and I introduced her. She loved it. We would sing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs through the halls of the church. All year, for no reason other than we enjoyed it. She was my partner in mischief. Brittany taught me how to get out of work by simply carrying around a tool and looking busy. She introduced me to High School Musical and Hairspray and Hannah Montana. I'd like to say that I contributed more to our friendship during that time, but it was more like she took me under her wing of protection and laughter. Brittany always makes me laugh. She is so supportive. She made me read her the entire book I wrote in one night while she cleaned her room and threw hangers at me when parts didn't go like she wanted. 

Then Master's ended and we went home. She met Jason and I was overjoyed to be in her wedding. She slept next to me in my hotel bed her last night as a single woman. Then she got pregnant with Jacob and I helped decorate baseball cupcakes for his shower. She's a great mommy and wife! Almost like she was made for it. Then our lives drifted for a bit. But then I got engaged and she is so happy for me! She can't wait to be a bridesmaid.It's given us an excuse to hang out again and talk on the phone more. She came to my bachelorette weekend in Houston and got to meet all of my other best friends. And I got to be surrounded by 5 of the most amazing women on the planet!!! All together to celebrate a new chapter in my life. We had so much fun together! Singing in the car, taking magazine quizzes to find out how self-absorbed we were, dancing and laughing. I'm looking forward to many more girls weekends. Brittany is excited about the lingerie shower the girls are planning for me. We just had a meeting about it last week and her ideas were flowing like always. She has such a knack for those types of things. 

Now I find myself pleading with God to just touch her body. To restore her to full health. To work a miracle on her behalf. Not just for her family, but for me. I wouldn't have made it through that second year of Master's without her. I'm sorry I didn't realize or acknowledge it sooner. She's an amazingly funny and kind person, though she'll do her best to convince you that she's mean. I'm looking forward to swapping stories about underwear on the floor and dirty dishes piling up, about babies that won't sleep. I'm looking forward to hearing about Jacob's adventures on the baseball field. She's going to be a proud mama and I can't wait to celebrate with her and experience more life with her! 

Sunday morning we sang Revelation Song which happens to be the song Brittany did a group human video to the first time I ever saw her. I remember being amazed at her skills. As I sang the wordss, eyes closed, tears streaming down my face, I was instantly transported to the front row of Bethel A/G with Brittany next to me singing her heart out as well. She has a beautiful voice. I can't wait to hear it again - joking, singing, giving advice.

God, bring healing to Brittany's body. Complete restoration and no side effects! She has more to do on this earth! By your stripes we are healed and I claim that for Brittany right now! We rebuke Satan's attacks and claim your will for her life! Work a miracle on her behalf! In Jesus name! 

Thoughts on Cooking

I have been thinking recently about my new family, as one tends to do in the days leading to their wedding. Not only am I gaining a husband but I'm gaining a whole new family as well. A new mother, a new father, a new brother, new grandparents. It's been an interesting endeavor simply because these new family members are different from the family members I've always known.

My soon-to-be mother-in-law is very different from me. Especially in the kitchen. She doesn't bake. She's a healthy person. Her freezer is stocked with vegetables and her counters sport fruit bowls. My cabinets are filled with flour and sugar and chocolate chips. My refrigerator is stocked with butter, all flavors and sizes. So that has gotten me thinking...how do we develop our culinary style?

I think my baking addition is inherited, pasted down in my genes starting with my Sweetheart all the way down through my mother. I come from a long line of bakers. But that can't be the only factor because my mother-in-law's mother loves to bake. So what else influences it? I suppose celebrity chefs do. I have a friend who recently posted a photo of a dinner she prepared with the statement "look at me being like Julia Child. Bon appetit!" There's a whole movie dedicated to Julia Child that I love!!! But I don't own a Julia Child cookbook. I own a Betty Crocker cookbook. I have a pinterest board entitled Just Like Betty Crocker for my cooking tips. I love Paula Deen! Her current (ridiculous) struggle does nothing to affect the deliciousness of her butter-filled dishes or the warmth of her love-made recipes. But what leads us to a certain chef? 

How do we develop the love for the crispness of a perfectly cooked asparagus over the creaminess of a fresh cheesecake? The sweetness of an apple versus the richness of chocolate lava cake? I think a study needs to be done on this subject, because I simply cannot comprehend the lack of desire to pull a tray of fresh baked cookies out of the oven on a cool fall evening. But perhaps, this new woman in my life can introduce me to a whole new side of culinary love. And maybe, just maybe, I can show her the comfort of a good slice of pie a la mode.

A Letter to the Women of the Married Club

To the Members of the Married Club:

For years we've watched you, envied you, longed to be invited to your club. We've watched others younger than ourselves be inducted and welcomed with open arms. We try to be patient and wait for our chance to find a man and be invited to join at last. We've stood on the outskirts of the circle longing to contribute to the conversation about men who leave their socks on the floor. We've done our best to be close enough to call you our friends. We've attended your parties and stood alone on the wall, watching, feeling isolated because love hasn't come our way yet. We've celebrated and tickled your babies, filled with excitement and longing for our own. 

Now the time has finally come for our own weddings and still we wait for our membership to the club we have coveted for years. But it hasn't come yet. We continue to wait with anticipation and wonder when it will come. But more importantly, we are slowly realizing that we know nothing about wedding planning or how to be a wife. All those years of watching from afar have done nothing to actually prepare us for the journey ahead. We have no idea what it takes to run a home or deal with a disappointed husband who has been passed over for a promotion at work or even simply had a rough day. How do you handle burned meals when the in-laws are expected for dinner? How do you express hurt feelings or longing for intimacy? How do you explain disappointment without being accusatory or causing resentment? We can't help but feel ill-equipped and embarrassed at this lack of knowledge. We have no one to talk to about delicate issues of intimacy and romance as our mothers are mortified at the thought of the deflowering of their babies.

So perhaps instead of forcing us to stand on the sidelines, invite us to join the conversation. Take us under your wings and teach us some things before we're standing at the top of the aisle staring at a man we love, but terrified that we're not prepared. Lead us in the right direction and then share in our excitement at this new chapter. Don't make us force our way into the club. Don't force us to figure it out by ourselves. Welcome us to the club and realize we're not little kids anymore. For some of us, it's too late. We've already matured and started down the aisle. But there are others behind us that could benefit from your knowledge and experience. This letter isn't meant to shame or manipulate, solely to raise awareness. You are being watched. You are being envied. You are the ones we long to be like someday. Sure there are others who are older, but they aren't the ones we've been looking up to for years. They aren't the "cool" girls we saw in college while we were struggling through high school. They were the mothers of the cool girls; they were the ones that taught you. It's your turn to teach us, because now we're in college and we don't feel "cool." We still feel overshadowed and behind you - the women of the married club. Maybe someday we'll figure it out on our own and we'll find ourselves finally equal with the women we've always wanted to be. It would sure be a lot easier with your help though. And who knows? Maybe with some direction beforehand, our marriages would be a little bit more successful.

Sincerely,

Hopeful pledges everywhere

The Proposal Story

I'm sure many of you are wondering about The Proposal Story, so I figured I'd put it on my blog so you can all enjoy it! :)

So I had a sneaking suspicion that he was gonna propose that weekend because a) I had already picked out my ring, b) he told me he was taking me out for a fancy date and c) he told me I could get my nails done "if I wanted to." Anyway, he was running late from work and was super upset about it, but I just rolled it with and was ready when he got there.

So we got all dressed up and went to Cheddar's for dinner, which is where we went on our first date. We always play paper football when we're at Cheddar's and he told me before that he had the idea of sliding the ring box across the table instead of the football. So I told him that I wanted to play paper football but I was afraid I'd get a box instead of a football and he just laughed. So then I was teasing him and asking if it was in my food or my drink and of course it wasn't and it was just good silly fun.

So after dinner we get in the truck to go to Baskin Robbins and I see something weird shaped in his pocket. I keep staring at it and trying to figure out what it is. When we get to Baskin Robbins, he goes "You know those are just my keys in my pocket, right?" and starts laughing. So I tell him not to laugh at me because he knows what's going on and I don't. So then I just start being over the top with everything. I kept asking him "Is it in my ice cream?" "Is it at the bottom of this cone?" and other ridiculous type questions.

So we start driving out to the EQ (The Equalization Channel at the Lake) and I find like this shiny hard thing in my ice cream and I'm like "what the heck is this?" It turns out to just be a frozen chunk of ice cream, but I honestly had a mini heart attack for a second. So we get to the EQ and finish eating our ice cream. He starts digging around in the backseat for a water bottle and we were joking around when I decide to get out of the truck for a little bit. So he eventually gets out too and comes over to me and is acting all nervous and weird and I start thinking "Oh my gosh. Is this about to happen?"

Well then this weird creepy dude drives up and parks right across from us and just sits there staring at us. It was super weird. So Bryan suggests we move in front of the truck where that weird dude can't creep on us. We're just standing there chatting and being silly and he calms down so I'm like "Well maybe he isn't doing it tonight."

I get tired of standing on the caliche in my high heels so I go get in the truck. He follows me and is standing in the passenger door while I start cleaning out the middle console so we can cuddle in the truck and watch the sunset. So I'm cleaning and we're joking around and he goes "Babe did you know that I love you?" I can tell that his voice is coming from low to the ground. So I turn towards him....

And he's kneeling on one knee outside the passenger door and I go "Oh my god, WHAT are you doing?" And he goes "Tying my shoe." It was so obvious he wasn't tying his shoe, but it was that little moment we needed to realize this is happening. So then he said "Babe do you know I love you? Do you know there's no one who is more perfect for me? Do you know I want to spend the rest of my life with you?" Then he pulls out the ring and goes "Do you want this?" I of course said yes and put it on and started kissing him and crying and everything.

Then he gets in the truck and I literally scream out of excitement and hurt his ears. Then he pulls a package out of the backseat and hands it to me. Inside is a Dolphins jersey with the number 1 and MRS PEARCE on the back because he always tells me I'm his number one draft pick! :) 

I thought I wanted some grand romantic gesture but it was absolutely perfect just the way he did it. It was so us and he caught me completely off guard and it was amazing. Now it's only a few months till we're together forever!!!

It's Gonna Rain...

You know the old saying "when it rains, it pours." Well I feel like I need to start heading for a life raft. This week has been nothing but one storm after another. Long lasting storms. Not little showers that refresh your faith and move on. Like hurricane force winds affecting every aspect of life. I don't want to go into a lot of detail, just suffice it to say that it seems like every time I've turned around this week something else has tumbled down. Most stemming from one unpleasant event.

So I've been pretty frustrated and annoyed and just generally down this week. It happens when one sustains a week's worth of storms. The gloomy gray sky starts to take its toll on one's soul. I felt the urge to give up. Multiple times. If I didn't have such an amazing man - who let's face it - is practically carrying me right now, I probably would have given up and runaway. Yeah I'm a runner. I'm working on it. 

Needless to say, my Bible devotion this morning focused on perseverance through storms. Of course right? God always has to do things like that. In times like these it's both comforting and slightly irritating. Irritating in that way one gets irritated with the know-it-all in math class. Like we get it! You know everything! Quit rubbing it in my face! But of course, it's comforting at the same time to know that God knew exactly what I was going to be feeling/going through on February 8th and thus directed Tony Dungy to write the perfect devotional for this day over 2 years ago. Makes you feel kinda special when you think about it that way.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Back to the point. I was talking with God and I was like I don't understand why it has to rain right now. Like this is the worst possible time to try and drown me. I have 900 other things to think about. And does it really have to rain this much? It seems excessive. And then He said the most profound thing to me: April showers bring May flowers. Obviously I was confused because 1) it's February and 2) what does that have to do with anything that's going on right now??? Then He explained further. Basically the land is scorched right now. Life has dried us all up. His blessings cannot grow in dry, dead, scorched land. Thus we have to go through some heavy monsoons before blessings can once again abound in our lives. Very plainly and simply: flowers cannot grow in May without the land being prepared through the April showers.

I am oddly comforted by this thought. Mainly by the humanistic thought of "Awesome only a month of this!" Which I have no doubt is not true by any stretch of the imagination for God's timing and storms are often more complicated than that. But it's comforting to think that there's a reason behind these intense showers now. See I'm looking to move into a new chapter in life very soon. My heart must be ready before I can gain the wondrous blessings of that season. Honestly, it totally sucks! It double sucks! It's terrible and I hate it and I want it to be over with already. But I know it'll be worth it. I don't know how or when or why...but I know that God isn't going to take such precious care to water the land and then never allow flowers to grow.

So glory to God - I've got a garden growing soon!!! And it's gonna be magnificient!!!

Rebuild the Temple!

The first part of my devotion today was focused on taking care of your body. The focus verse was 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. "Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God: You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

In the devotional part, Tony Dungy said something that really gripped me. "The truth is, your body is still a temple, whether it's run-down or not." That just hit me as so profound. We always hear in church that our bodies are temples. Over and over and over until it's like yeah we get it. I'm a temple. But it never occurred to me that my body in its current state could still be a temple to God. I immediately thought of the story in the Bible when the Jews were rebuilding the temple of Jerusalem. They were worn out and didn't want to continue. But Nehemiah urged them forward and they rebuilt the temple of Jerusalm. 

Right now I feel like my temple is a bit run-down. I haven't exactly taken awesome care of it. But lately I'm trying to change that and I'm turning it around. Rebuilding the temple God gave me one piece at a time. There are days when I'm discouraged, but then Jesus urges me forward and I know that I can do it! I also kinda feel like Solomon. Building the temple from scratch. I can't imagine the portable temple wasn't a bit worn after being used and moved so many years. But my new temple is going to be glorious. One of splendor and talk for years to come!!! Moving forward....

Encouragement Anew...

Few quick thoughts from my devotion time this more:

1) First of all, check out the beatitudes from the Message:
         "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for. You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family. You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. Now only that - count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens - give a cheer, even! - for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble."

I absolutely love the fresh wording of these verses. We've all heard these a bazillion and one times. Thought I would share a new perspective on them.

2) Apparently it is the year of the wedding. One of my closest friends recently got engaged, along with 4 other people I know. This my dear friends makes me terribly impatient and annoyed! I want it to be MY turn already! Yes, I am selfish and greedy in this area! However some encouragement came from Romans 8 this morning. Again from the Message:
           "This is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along."

Granted I have never experienced the waiting of pregnancy, but I can imagine what it's like. No I've never felt it, but I've been around plenty of pregnant women and listened to their sighs and groans for the baby to hurry up and get outta there and into their arms. So I can identify with the metaphor. However, the longer the wait, the more joyful the expectancy. It's been a long journey for Bryan and I. One that began and exhausted me long before I ever met him. However, I know that God understands my "pregnant" condition, and is working out all the details into something amazing that I will be able to cherish and hold close in due time. He understands my groans and sighs and isn't frustrated with me. But I imagine he smiles a bit while I'm throwing a mental tantrum.....because he knows the awesomeness that is just over the horizon. That I will soon call my own! Ahhh I CANNOT WAIT! Haha :)

PS God is totally amazingly awesome!!!

A New Year

So like everyone else in the entire world, I made some New Year's resolutions. Some goals to work towards in this fresh start of 2013. They were pretty typical too: 1) Have a daily devotion time with God everyday. 2) Get in shape and finally lose some serious weight. 3) Dedicate at least 1 hour to writing daily.

Nothing big or fancy right? But that doesn't make them any less important. So in typical Eowyn fashion, I started a little late. Apparently the new year doesn't start until the 8th for me. What can I say - change is terrifying for me. Even little changes. Nevertheless, I woke up this morning with a dedicated mind and decided today was the day to begin.

So I pulled out my copy of "The One Year Uncommon Life: daily challenge" by Tony Dungy. Yes the old head coach of the Indianapolis Colts. The man is amazing and loves God and has awesome character. One reason I initially fell in love with the Colts, and one reason why I became disenchanted last season. But that's another story for another time. Anyway, since I started a week late I'm having to do two daily challenges until I get caught up. No big deal. So my plan is to read the one-page devotional by Mr. Dungy, then read the chapter that the core verse is taken from in the Message. (I have to read the whole chapter mainly because in maddening fashion the Message has no verse numbers. Thus it's quite difficult to find the single verse.) Then having done that, I read the verses in my Women of Faith Study Bible and any little side devotion related to the original passage. Seems complicated but it's really not and trust me, I NEEDED an outline. Otherwise I sit and stare and drool and accomplish nothing. After reading, Jesus and I spend some time in conversation. Simple. Easy. Great for habit forming.

So I started today and the first devotional dealt with self-discipline. 1 Corinthians 9:24-27. Verses I've heard and memorized a bazillion times, yet today they seemed new and fresh and just for me. I need some serious self-discipline people - physically and spiritually. That is my challenge for today. Run from self-indulgence! So that was pretty cool that the first thing was directly aimed at my new year's goals. 

Then day two. Focus on God's promises for a good future. Revelation 21:1-5. My favorite parts of these verses come from the Message. I actually highlighted them in my Bible. Yes people! Understand what just happened! I wrote in a book! It's utter craziness I know, but I really couldn't help myself. Here are my favorite parts: "God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women....He'll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good - tears gone, crying gone, pain gone - all the first order of things gone...I'm making everything new. Write it all down - each word dependable and accurate." He's making all things new! I can't accurately express the excitement these words brought me. It's a season of change for me. A new chapter is just on the horizon. I can see glimpses of it in my dreams. I cannot wait! 

God spoke directly to my heart about the two things that I needed to hear the most. He's with me on the journey and he's taking me toward the new great things he has been planning for me before I was born. He knows the desires of my heart and is moving to fulfill them. He's completely awesome and totally amazing!!!

Be prepared people! He said to write it all down! Which happens to be resolution number 3. So this blog should be overflowing. :)

Let's Just Be Honest...

I struggle with my weight. Big surprise, right? Honestly what girl on this planet doesn't anymore? We're all either too fat or too skinny or too muscular. I recently did Lysa TerKeurst's Made to Crave bible study with some ladies at church. It was quite good and for some crazy reason that can only be God, I've decided to open up and let it all spill out. (Lord help me!)

I'm sure many of you reading this are thinking one of two things: "My dear you are by no means 'fat'." or "Well she could stand to lose a few pounds, but she's not so bad as she is really." If you are quite convinced that I am in fact obese, then please discontinue reading. Frankly, discontinue being my friend as well. For if anyone thinks I am in a state of pure obesity and doesn't care enough to bring it to my attention in a loving manner, then they are by no means my friend. No one needs friends like that. Anyway here's what it boils down to: as so eloquently stated by Lysa "This wasn't really about the scale or what clothing size I was; it was about this battle that raged in my heart."

While I would love to be a microscopic little thing that could get away without wearing a bra sometimes, that will never happen. Let's face it. I'm one of those curvy chicks that are finally receiving some recognition for their beauty lately. I have never been a size 2. I will never be a size 2. If I am ever a size 2, I will look deathly. That's not the issue. The issue is that when I look in a mirror at myself everyday, I am (dare I say) unequivocally unhappy with the reflection that stares back at me. Granted, I have good days like every other woman on the planet. But the majority of the time, I am disgusted. Because when I look in the mirror I don't see a few love handles and sexy curves and good birthing hips. I don't see a soft bosom for snuggling sweet babies. I see years and years of hurt and hatred and empty desire. That's what lead to this build up of fat around my body. Layers and layers of chubbiness packed on in a distinct effort to extinguish the burning pain within my heart. See if I was chubby (as I was so often described) then it made sense why boys didn't want to hang out with me, why I didn't have a date to the dance, why I didn't make the volleyball team. Simply....why I wasn't good enough. But in high school when I blossomed as all girls do and lost all that "baby" fat, the drowning hurt and sorrow that washed over my delicate frame was too much to bear. It was overwhelming. Thus, I packed back on the pounds and didn't care for it was safer within this thick exterior. In college, I once again lost weight and thought myself pretty and was once again slapped in the face by people I should never have put stock in.

Nevertheless, the pounds have returned. And to be quite honest, I absolutely abhor them! Every reflection is an intense reminder of all that I have suffered. I find it difficult to move past and be myself  and live the life I want because the remnant of the hurt remains. Am I telling you this to make you feel sorry for me? No. Am I telling you this to try and justify an unhealthy lifestyle? No. I am telling you this because I am tired of carrying around 50 pounds of hurt all the time. It's exhausting. Talk about baggage. I am not asking for contradictions to what I have said, for they will fall on deaf ears. Would I appreciate prayers and encouragement and understanding? Of course! Now as I look into the face of a new year, of a new chapter in life, I shall work to turn the page. To shed the weight that has been holding me down and robbing me of joy and my own sense of beauty and self-worth. It's going to be a rough road ahead, but you know what? I've got a great workout buddy. He's with me all the time and he loves me deeply and he understands how I feel even if I can't imagine how. And with him.......anything is possible..........and absolutely nothing is impossible either (which I feel is just as important to remember).

Dear Me...

On the Women's Retreat this year, we were all encouraged to write a letter to ourselves in the past. Here is mine.

Dear Me…

                You’re 13 now and you’re about to go through the swamp in the forest for the first time. You won’t know this of course until 12 years later when God graces you with the chance to go through it again. See in the next few years, you will lose a lot of things in the swamp – things that are beautiful and precious to you. Things like your beauty, your trust and your love. Those are only the beginning I’m sure. I've only just entered the swamp myself and haven’t uncovered all its treasures. There will be much wandering through cobwebs and skeletons that you try to shove into the already bursting closet. Think a kind of Snow-White-running-through-the-forest terror. You’ll face some of your darkest days. But listen to the ancient whispers of Sis. Farmer. They will save your life.

Don’t fret though – not every experience is bad. You’ll love and care for the first of many babies in your life – John David. He’ll break your favorite sunglasses but you’ll find a new favorite pair (which you will sit on and break yourself). But he’ll also teach you a lot about love and how to care for a baby. Quick tip – Lori is weird and cooks her rice in a bag. Just go with it and whatever you do, don’t open the bag! Trust me on this; I’m saving you some serious embarrassment. There will be times when you laugh until you literally vomit. You’ll still smile when you think about those times.

Now if I may, allow me to give you some advice if I can. If nothing else, allow me to warn you of some of the blows you are about to be dealt. There will be a Bible Quiz trip with John where you will be tempted to ask him about your beauty. I beg you with all my heart and soul – DO NOT ASK THAT QUESTION!!! His answer will crush your soul and taint your self-worth for years. His answer is misguided and inaccurate and it’s better if you never hear it. Someday a boy will tell you, “Everything about you is hot except your face. It’s so ugly.” He’s wrong. Your face is actually your best feature. Your emerald eyes and button nose will be the favorite of a very special man soon and they will be drowned in kisses. You will learn that you’re fat, your teeth are crooked, and you’ll think character shirts are cool. You’re not, braces work magic and they are not….at all! You’ll be told to settle. That’s terrible advice. Don’t take it! Your flaws will be drug out of you and thrown in your face to embarrass and humiliate you. Repeatedly. You will be given mortifying nicknames of which you’ll never know the origin. Just do your best to manage a smile and pretend it doesn’t sting. You’re tough. Later when you allow your tears to fall silently in the dark, your brain will work to twist such things into positives. Grasp hold of these necessary deceptions. That’s honestly the best advice I can give you as years later I still struggle to understand the necessity of such blatant cruelty and abuse of a young girl’s heart. For some people, you will just never be good enough. Please learn this now and don't let it plague you. You are perfect just the way you are darling. Hear me - you are just right. Stop trying to be someone else to please others. It's not worth the pain as you will never be successful. 

There will be a night when dad will drive you home from church and you will be upset. When you pull into the garage, Dad will smack you on the back out of frustration. Don’t hold it against him. Forgive him. He didn’t mean it and had a momentary lapse in judgment. Treasure your time with him. It may be short. Speaking of which, if you get a chance to visit Pawpaw’s grave, don’t be afraid to lay face down on the grass and tell him goodbye. It’s important. Jesse will always stand up for you and Brian will eventually find you less lame. Mom gets way cooler if you let her and she’ll be your best friend soon. The two of you will have the best adventures. Embrace her company and give her the opportunity to wipe your tears every once in a while. She understands more than you think. You and Brittany will go your separate ways over a tragic misunderstanding. She will hurt you, but you’ll find a new best friend. Fall and winter will be hard and lonely times. You will be sick. Grandpa will go to be with Jesus. Jesse will find love and then lose it. But keep that quiet Christmas mystery flame alive deep inside. It will come to burn brightly again. Believe it or not dearest, you will look forward to Christmas day again. Be patient.

Don’t get frustrated or discouraged with the “poems” you write behind the youth stage while running words. They’re good practice and I’m sure good things will come of them someday. Honestly…we’re still waiting for that as of 25, but who knows what’s around the corner? Faith and dreams are key. You won’t be good at Athletics. Band is more fun anyway. You will miss Senior Prom and John will never make it up to you. It’s not a big deal. Just let it go. There will be floods. Literal floods! Quit leaving your bag on the floor! You will never have a boyfriend at camp. Be grateful for this. They all turn out to be complete tool bags anyway. Don’t waste your tears or your time.

There will be boys. Oh lord, will there be boys!  You’ll make some questionable choices down the road. Some people are best avoided. If a guy named Matt contacts you on Myspace, don’t respond! He’s creepy and an enabler. Don't even go there. You’ll think you’ve found the one. You haven’t. He will betray you in the most intimate way – in the way only you understand the full burn of. But you don’t mishear God. That boy is a major part of your life as he sets in motion the events that will lead you to the man you will soon marry….I think. I hope. I pray. I wish! This man is the most amazing person you have ever met and he was created solely for you down to the way you fit in the crook of his arm. He will care for you so deeply that it will hurt at times. Precious one, hear me when I tell you that you have no clue what love is. But he will help you understand. He’ll find your love handles sexy! Not just tolerable, not just a part of you but  S E X Y! I know – he’s perfect. He even likes the gross Skittles and lets you eat all the good ones. Don’t give up on him. Trust me, you will want to at times. But he’s worth the work. You’ll mess things up and run away, but he’ll always come after you. He is sweet and kind and the biggest nerd you will ever meet! Embrace it as he’s only going to draw out your inner nerd anyway. On that note, sneak into Brian and Jesse’s room and play video games more often. You’ll wish you had better skills down the road. And quit sleeping through football games! Pay attention and learn something!

You’re a late bloomer in all regards, but it’s not so bad I promise! It keeps you young. Stay childlike. Play Barbies till you’re 16. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Dream big dreams. Don’t forget what you love. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Be loud! Be adventurous! Be creative! Protect you heart! Battle for what/who you love! And remind mom about “na’kin time” every once in a while. She might need the laugh.

Weather the storm my darling. Keep swimming through that muck. Take tantrum breaks when you feel the need to. Just don’t sit too long in the mud. It smells and there are more important things down the road. You will long for the end of this time. You’ll pray for it to flash by, and with good reason for these times are heavy and painful. But things will get better. Don’t lose hope sweet one! And on days you do, take refuge in things you love. There’s a Disney Princess coloring book that is particularly soothing. On that note, don’t be so strict – color Jasmine purple for goodness’ sakes! Have fun with it! You might not believe me, but you will survive this time. Just breathe…

Love,

Your older and wiser self

PS For the love of all things holy, STOP RUNNING AT MCDONALDS! You would think after the gash in your knee in elementary school, you would have learned your lesson. Running through McDonalds never ends well for you. If you don’t stop, you’re going to end up with a nagging knee injury that will ache when the weather changes and make you old before your time. So just knock it off!

Just like Betty....

There are so many things I want to say right now. So many thoughts I want to write down and record here. So so many thoughts that I long to tell someone. About my passion for baking. About my cookbook addiction. About my love for Paula Deen. About the first cake I ever baked on my own and the tragic beauty that it was. About my recent adventures in bread baking. About my longing for pastry school.

But these things seem stupid and petty and too little too late. So I'll keep quiet about it and hope these feelings drift away with time. Because these things aren't important right now. The time for such grandiose dreams are long gone. Now is the time to be an adult and put away dabbling in the flour until I'm a happy homemaker. Sigh........

Homemaker in Training

So recently I have taken the task of honing my happy homemaker skills. This included a project for Grayson's birthday that I discovered on Pinterest. It was a fort kit. I saw it online in April or May and thought it was such a perfect present for Grayson that I actually programmed a reminder in my phone so I wouldn't forget. Haha. It was super simple. I just sewed to fat quarters together and made a loop for the rope. Then cut out a bat symbol out of felt and glued it on. Then I sewed some loops of ribbon onto some twin sheets with buttons for easy hanging and looping. Add a couple flashlights, clamps, rope and glowsticks and you've got the perfect recipe for little boy joy. Thus Grayson's "Portable BatCave" came together. Honestly I kinda wanted to keep it for myself. :) Here's the link to the website where I got the idea: http://megandandymade.blogspot.com/2011/05/super-hero-fort-kit.html

Here are some pictures:

Loops on all the corners and in the middle of the sheet

Finished sheet

Clamps for helping hang the sheet

Drawstring bag for storing all the supplies

Tag with list of included supplies

All the goodies (the sheets are refolded nicely into the original bags
though I know they'll probably never end up back in there. haha)

Behold: Portable BatCave!!!

In the Meantime...

Life is an interesting thing. Everyone knows it's a journey, but we don't always realize that sometimes you have to drive across West Texas. For those of you who have never driven across West Texas, allow me to enlighten you: It takes FOREVER and there is absolutely NOTHING to look at it. It's just miles and miles of dirt and shrubs. It's probably similar to driving across Oklahoma or Kansas. After making this drive, I understand why pioneers suffered from prairie madness. It's enough to drive anyone crazy. 

That's the road I'm on currently. I'm just in-between cities on this long journey. I'm halfway between young adult and adult, halfway between college and married life. It's a long trip. I have to just keep on going and be patient. I'll get there soon enough.

But the drive is agonizing!!! I'm beginning to suffer from prairie madness. What do you do in the meantime? What do you do while you're waiting to arrive at the next destination of the journey? What do you do to make the time pass quicker? 

I suppose this is the time of my life when I should be settling into a career and beginning life on my own before I join to another for my happily ever after. There's only one slight problem with that....I don't want a career. I've never wanted a career. Since I was a child, I've dreamed of nothing more than being a happy homemaker, to raise a family and care for my husband. I don't want to climb the corporate ladder. The thought seems quite drab. I'm quite happy at the bottom of the totem pole because I have no intentions of staying there forever.

So this time must be when I figure out who I am in life right? Well I've already done that. I figured out who I was in the year long break I took from men while I was finding myself and waiting for Bryan to find himself so that we were two complete people instead of pieces trying to mesh together in a construction paper collage. Now we are beautiful art that compliment each other just right when hung next to the other. So I'm happy with who I am. Just not where I am.......

In the meantime....what do you do in the meantime?

Reflective Time

Bryan surprised me this weekend and came to town. Everyone was going out of town except me (I had to stay here and care for Skipper, our recovering puppy), so we got to spend the weekend alone together. Not that we haven't done that recently, but this is the first time we've spent any alone time together in San Angelo. I'm sure that doesn't seem like that big of a deal but this is the first weekend we spent in a house. Not an apartment. Not the townhouse we shared with a roommate. An actual house that we could make a mess in and be ourselves and leave dishes unwashed and coke cans on the coffee table.


Last night we went to dinner at Cheddar's and then came home and sat on the couch together. I rested my legs across his lap and watched the Olympics while he played games on his computer. When the Olympics were finally winding down for the night, I let the dog out and put him in his bed. I came back and curled onto the couch where Bryan had reclined in my absence. I leaned against him and sighed. My imagination started to run and I said "Someday we'll be in our house like this after I just put the kids to bed and I'll tell you that we need to start putting the kids Christmas presents together." I don't know why my mind went to Christmas but it did. Bryan just went with it and responded "Yeah we probably do." 


"You put together James' bike and I'll get Ariella's Barbie house."
"Oh man. I meant to get some WD40 to help with that and I forgot."
"Oh babe. You were supposed to pick that up."
"I know. I just forgot."
"Well I should have text you and reminded you. I'm sorry."
"It'll be fine. I'll get it done."
"Yeah let's get started. You know the kids will be up at 4."
"Yeah. Man tomorrow is Christmas already?"
"Haha yeah. And we have to get everything done early because you have to be at work at 3."
"Yeah."

And then he kissed my cheek and we laughed. Then we got up and started getting ready for bed, continuing our conversation about the future. Someday we'll have a nice house like this. And someday we'll be putting the kids and the dogs to bed. And someday this and that.


And we are SO READY for it! Even now I'm looking at recipes on Pinterest and dreaming about tying on my apron every night in my 1950s themed kitchen and cooking dinner. There will be a pie in the oven and my daughter will be beside me "helping." My son will be playing in the other room until I call him to help set the table. And then my husband will come home. And we'll be a family. I have an entire board on Pinterest dedicated to the decoration on my future home. I have dishes picked out and themes in mind. I have a wedding book that is beginning to take form in my mind. A scrapbook of sorts.


I'm ready for the wedding, and that week in Hawaii. I'm ready for those babies and running a home. And I'll have to run it because as much as I hate it: my husband will have to work weekends and holidays. He's going to have an important job and I have to come to terms with that. It's an odd thing for me to deal with because holidays have always been so important to me. But I know that I'll adjust to it even though there will be times when I'm frustrated and unhappy with the situation. 


Bryan made an interesting point. We're in the in-between. We're not kids, but we're not really adults yet either. We kind of are, but not real adults. We don't have jobs and house payments and a family. We're in between. And frankly......we hate it. Oh well. In the meantime, I'll prepare for the future. I'll practice being a happy homemaker. And I'll start with Grayson's birthday present.....which I'll shall post about soon. Until then.....

Guess I'll Go Home Now....

Well that was fun. And by that, I mean the 9 month adventure in Midland/Odessa. If you haven't already heard, I have resigned my position at Laredo Petroleum simply because I CANNOT find anywhere to live. At all. Period. In any way, shape or form. Prices here are outrageous!!! A tiny one bedroom apartment with no washer/dryer is running close to $1000 PLUS utilities. My boyfriend has a 2 bedroom, 2 full bathroom, wood floors with washer/dryer in Waco for like $850. I tried to buy a mobile home but there is no land to put it on.


So I shall reset and go home.


Am I happy about this? Sort of. Honestly, Midland/Odessa was not my favorite place on the earth, especially not during an oil boom. People are greedy right now because they can be. And I guess it's understandable to want to get as much money as possible before the town goes bust again. I'm not really a fan of the whole 'bust' idea either. The people I work with are great and super nice, but I don't have any friends outside of work. Or family. Or housing. So I have a job. That's it. Not really worth all the stress and loneliness that comes with. 


Do I regret being here? No way! It was a good time here. I learned a lot. I lived pretty much on my own for the first time in my life. I dabbled in the real world. And I'll be honest - it is terrifying! Definitely don't want to venture into that whole scene unprepared again. Goodness sakes! Plus I got my wonderful man out of the whole experience. And that, in and of itself, has made this whole thing 100% worth it. He's the best man I've ever had in my life! And one day (hopefully in the next year-ish) I will be his wife. And then we can venture out into the real world together. Then maybe it'll be less scary. Because then I'll at least have someone next to me in all these major life decisions that must be made. 


So my last day at this job is June 29th. My last actual day in Midland will be July 1st. Then I will take refuge in my parents' house and start again. At the beginning. Looking for a decent job. I seriously doubt that it will be anywhere near as awesome as my current job has been, but let's face it. There are more important things in life than a glorious paycheck. Security, relationships, and stability are just a few.


Here's to starting over....again.....